Film review: Drive Angry - better off dead

“What the hell?” would be a more appropriate title for this action/fantasy/horror film, which tries its hellacious best to further accelerate the nose-diving career of its leading man, Nicholas Cage. The story, which seems to have been inspired by Vertigo comics, is some haphazardly concocted nonsense about a man, John Milton (Nicholas Cage), who has risen from the dead to seek out a Satanic cultist leader, who murdered Milton’s daughter and kidnapped her baby to use in some evil ritual. Along the way, our hero is tracked by a mysterious and powerful person, who calls himself “The Accountant” (William Fichtner), and befriends a waitress named Piper (played convincingly by the very pretty, Amber Heard, who reminds me a lot of Megan Fox, except, you know, with talent).

The screenplay isn’t particularly well written but, if there is anything good about the narrative, it is that it features some interesting plot points. For example, we are told that Milton was granted resurrection by Satan himself, who apparently doesn’t like these silly cultists much either.

And for those into that sort of thing, the movie features plenty of gratuitous nudity, as well as sex and violence — all of which, unfortunately, has the excitement of an empty cardboard box. If you are going to treat narrative like a stepson, and make a mindless film full of elements that cater to the rawness of the human soul, at least make them impactful enough to make a clergyman blush! Then there is the leading man, Nicholas Cage, who after performing in the wonderful Matchstick Men (2003), seems to have taken career advice from a Lollywood agent and decided it was time to do as many poor movies for the rest of his career as possible. Here, in his dark leather clothing, he broods, shows as many sour looks as humanly possible, kicks ass, and walks in slow motion as explosions go off in the background. His character comes off as nearly invincible, which is just boring with a capital ‘B’.

None of this wouldn’t have been such a punch to the cerebral cortex, had any of this been tongue-in-cheek, but the film is simply unaware of how ludicrous it is. Yes, there are times, when a piece of fiction is so bad, it is good, but Drive Angry is just bad.

This attempt at grindhouse cinema has plenty of 3D effects, which are surprisingly good. To enjoy them, you obviously need your 3D glasses, though personally, I feel that to truly enjoy this film, you should bring the bong pipe as well.

Published in The Express Tribune, Sunday Magazine, November 6^th,  2011.