Say nothing at all

Apparently the army is now arresting officers who have contacts with militant organisations. It’s going to be difficult to avoid the obvious jokes about the entire ISI being rounded up for questioning. To be fair though, that difficulty is eased greatly by reminding oneself that if there is one thing the military tolerates less than senior officers cavorting with extremist groups, it’s civilians who dare to criticise it. You can pay their increasing salaries with your decreasing income and suffer the explosive results of their short-term plans repeatedly collapsing under the weight of long-term realities, but do not question their greatness. Self-declared greatness though it is, it has been so compromised by continued failures that we are actually advocating control being handed over to the civilian government! Let’s repeat that thought, because it bears greater analysis. We trust the military leadership so little at this point that we would rather the government that is run by President Asif Ali Zardari be in charge. Again, for those who might not understand the gravity of our situation: We prefer the leadership in-capabilities of the PPP government over those of the armed forces. Yes, that government. The one that is currently focusing all its resources on Babar Awan’s honour. Not on getting us out of the top 20 in the Failed States Index or the list of Deadliest Places for Journalists or even Most Dangerous Country for Women shortlists. In fact, the only list we aren’t currently ranking highly on is Funniest Home Videos and that’s because all our clips are of people being shot to death.

Fear of being punished also prevents me from pointing out that common sense would dictate the military take this time to reconsider its life choices. Sit down with some close friends and ask them their honest, open opinions about what it can do differently. Then maybe go backpacking through Europe (avoid the Afghan shortcut, it always ends with a few decades wandering through the wrong mountain ranges and a heroin problem) before coming back with a changed perspective, a ponytail and a love of folk music. We would be more than happy to give it the time it needed to sort out its internal turmoil, if the end result would be a more focused, ethical and respectful institution. After all, it’s not like India is going to attack us. That was the whole point of getting nuclear weapons wasn’t it? Mutually assured destruction also means mutually assured existence. It’s better than forcing us to demand the civilian government be given authority. We don’t doubt for a second that if they are actually put in charge, the defence of the country and all its strategic decisions would be auctioned off to some Dubai-based firm that would hire a conference room full of hideously overpriced MBAs that would spend all our money on a logo redesign. Or worse, they would decide to actually try running things themselves and soon Rehman Malik would be making statements about how we are 200 per cent not being invaded by every country in the region because the boundary walls for Bilawal House were extended a little too far.


Neither do I dare suggest that it isn’t even like we are asking for a lot. Maybe a decrease in kidnapping, torture and murder of innocent civilians. A genuine appreciation of the fact that ‘extremist militant organisations’ aren’t called that because it’s catchy and maybe giving them continued patronage isn’t the smartest of manoeuvres would be nice. How about increasing transparency in the budget allocation while you are at it. When Nawaz Sharif is making rational, reasonable demands like that and organisations that kidnapped a little girl and forced her to wear a suicide vest are seen as less threatening to us than your decisions, it’s time to take a pause and reconsider.

These are the things I wish I could say, but won’t. Or can’t.

Published in The Express Tribune, June 23^rd, 2011.