Ask Asad: My husband divorced me, but I still love him. What should I do?

I really wish he had not divorced me and instead had tried working things out

Dear Asad,

I am a 27-year-old working woman. I got divorced a year ago and my daughter is only a year-and-a-half old. My marriage was arranged and I fell in love with my husband from the day it began. I was happy to be his wife. Sadly, my husband didn't feel the same way.

He was always emotionally detached and I don't think he ever really loved me. I tried my best to make him realise how much I loved him, but it never worked. My husband was extremely irresponsible towards his family’s basic needs. After marriage, we lived in a joint family and I thought my husband’s parents would be sympathetic towards me and their granddaughter, and would insist that their son, as a husband and father, looked after his family. But they blamed me instead, they told me I was not a good wife or mother. 



Living with him and his family became increasingly difficult, but I ignored all unfounded blame and abuse because I loved my husband and still had faith in our relationship. One day, I discovered that my husband was taking drugs. I was devastated. Unable to bear the idea, I grabbed my daughter, left his house and went to stay at my parents’ house. I thought he would realise his mistakes and would come to take us back home. But I was wrong. I contacted him many times after that to try and resolve our differences, but he never seemed interested. Instead, he and his family blamed me for everything before finally, he divorced me.

It has been a year now and he married someone else. During all this time, he never inquired about me or his daughter. I don't think he ever loved his own daughter. He never even helped me financially or otherwise to raise her. For my husband, we never mattered, we never existed. Despite all his unfairness, I loved him and still do. I remember the very few times we did have happy, loving moments together. I often stalk him online, just to know what is happening in his new life. There are days when I cry uncontrollably just thinking about him. I miss him. I really wish he had not divorced me and had instead tried working things out between us. But, I know that is no longer possible. What should I do? Please help.

A heartbroken ex-wife

Dear heartbroken ex-wife,

I am really sorry to hear about the way you had been treated by your ex-husband and in-laws. You have gone through a very traumatic experience in your life. You went into marriage with an open and sincere heart, genuinely loved your husband and wanted to make the relationship work. Sadly, your ex-husband did not reciprocate with the same feelings. Being a coward, he probably gave in to the pressure from his family and society to agree to an arranged marriage but could not ever accept it. And you ended up paying the price for it.



You have to realise that your ex-husband never loved you; he never had feelings for you. In fact, he was also not interested in the baby girl that you both had together. He is not coming back to you. Yes, it is painful but, sadly, this is the harsh truth. Although you may not find much respite right now if I tell you that you are better off without a husband like him, with time you will realise that he does not deserve your love or respect. Even if he had not divorced you, he would have kept you under constant emotional and mental stress. I believe, it is for your own good that things worked out like this.

It is completely natural and understandable that you are inquisitive about his new life and in that sense are looking him up online from time to time. But this is only alright it is does not continue for an extended period of time. It is okay for us to be emotionally attached to people who have left us. This exercise actually helps in the healing process. But it becomes a problem when this emotional attachment lingers on for too long because it stops us from moving on, leaving us in a state of limbo. That is not healthy. We have to dedicate some time – which differs from person to person and situation to situation – to process our emotions and get over the trauma that we have had to endure in life.

I think you have created a comfort zone for yourself in which you have allowed yourself to be locked in self-pity and low self-esteem. This is an unfavourable situation for you, particularly, if you are stuck there for too long. Please move on. You will have to work hard on yourself, your emotions, your moods, your thoughts and even your actions. It is highly unlikely that you will get out of this situation just like that, without making any effort. Counselling will assist you, as it will give you the opportunity to talk about the emotional burden you are carrying.



You are lucky that you have your daughter and your ex-husband did not fight a legal battle for her custody. Move on in your life – for your own sake and for that of your daughter. It is not easy but, trust me; it is possible and very much required. Do not waste your life on your ex-husband. He is not worth it.

My prayers are with you in this turbulent time of your life.

Take care!

Asad

Asad is a counsellor, life coach, inspirational speaker and a personal-development expert. He advises on social, personal and emotional issues. You can send him your questions for this weekly column at [e-mail] with “Ask Asad” mentioned in the subject line and provide as many details as possible.

Note: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of The Express Tribune.