Ask Asad: Will my jealous lover always be like this?

He expects me to give him an explanation for every second that we don't spend together


Asad Shafi May 15, 2017

Dear Asad,

I am a 23-year-old woman living in Dubai for the last 20 years with my parents. I am a graduate from a local university and have recently started my professional career. When I was in the third year, I fell in love with a guy. He belongs to a decent family and my parents have no issues seeing him as my life partner. His parents have also approved me as a member of their family.

I know, this sounds perfect, but there is a serious issue in our relationship. The guy I am in love with is an extremely jealous and possessive being. He does not let me interact with any other person and gets annoyed if I do so. Initially, I was under this illusion that because he loves me madly, he cannot let me talk to or spend time with anyone else. But over the years, now I realise that his behaviour is not normal. 

Ask Asad: How can I marry after being sexually assaulted?

He expects me to give him an explanation for every second that we do not spend together. He wants me to give him details about my entire day like, How I spent it? With whom I spent it? Where did I go? What clothes did I wear? Who did I speak to on the phone and for how long? ... and even, What did I do the internet? I used to answer all his queries, thinking it is just a phase but his condition never improved. He made sure to check my messages and calls on my cell phone during the university. I remember him getting upset for all the messages and calls coming from unknown numbers. He took my Facebook account and email passwords so that he could daily trawl through them.

We fought several times because of his attitude. One day, he was angry at me because I changed my passwords and refused to give him the new ones. He yelled at me and I broke down in tears. Later, he tried to make up by saying how much he loved me. I now work but, he repeatedly calls me, just to know what I am doing. When I overlook his calls, he blackmails me through emotional messages. I often keep my cell phone on silent and call him when I am free, to find him in anger. He only calms down when he hears me crying. I am now confused. What kind of a love is this that depresses me? Will he be always like this? He claims that he will change, but I doubt. What should I do?

In love with a jealous guy

 

Dear in love with a jealous guy,

You are wrong if you still believe that things between you two will be OK, that he will change with the passage of time, that his behaviour will improve, that one day he will start trusting you and most importantly, that he will stop being a jealous and possessive lover. He will not and neither does it seem like he is planning to or even trying to improve. In fact, he cannot change because his attitude is a part of his personality.

Different types of people live in this world and you happen to be in love with a person who, as you mentioned, is extremely jealous and possessive. This absolutely does not mean that he is some kind of a monster or that he cannot be a good human being. No! This means that he most probably will be like this, who will always let his strong love emotions get the better of him. It is not impossible but the chances are slim that someone can change him or herself so drastically that they totally destroy the strong feelings that once controlled them.

Ask Asad: My father is a compulsive gambler – how do I help him quit?

Jealousy is such a powerful emotion that seldom does anyone, who possesses it, is able to overcome it or come out of its spell. You already have seen and experienced this fact and that too, on several occasions. Some of the women who encounter such situation might be able to handle such persons. Few others might even like it to everyone’s surprise. Are you also one of them? Do you think that you will be able to put up with his jealous and possessive nature for your entire life as his life partner? You have to decide for yourself.

As far the guy is concerned, I think he might find counselling sessions with an experienced psychologist helpful. Someone who is trained to guide him overcome his negative emotions and tendencies for a happy life. This definitely will take time but, do you think that he is ready to help himself?

Now the decision time! It should be your call before it is too late. You have to decide before you eventually end up marrying him. Decide now, what is important for you, what brings a smile on your face and what gives you a peace of mind.

Look! Although you love him but right now, you two are not an engaged or a married couple. Once you marry him, I believe, he will continue to make your life miserable. Then it will not be a simple task for you to leave him, especially if kids are involved. So, I suggest you, to think about your relationship thoroughly now after weighing all the pros and cons and then make a decision.

And, do not forget to speak to your parents and take their opinion.

Asad

 

Asad is a counsellor, life coach, inspirational speaker and a personal-development expert. He advises on social, personal and emotional issues. You can send him your questions for this weekly column at [email protected].pk with “Ask Asad” mentioned in the subject line and provide as many details as possible.

Note: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of The Express Tribune.

COMMENTS (6)

Nouradin | 4 years ago | Reply My dear, I'd advise you to leave the relationship whilst you don't share any material stuff with the guy. You get married to him and have babies,it won't be easy to move out. I knw you love him and I can promise you that he loves you also but your lives will always be miserable because he does not know how to make himself happy.
utg | 4 years ago | Reply I know families destroyed by someone invading privacy in the name of love. My recommendation : look else where, my suggestion : have a serious talk with him about his behavior, his response will let you know whether you want to be with him or not. An intelligent man will realize what you are saying, but a child may not. Funny thing is, if you break up with him there is far better chance that he will learn from his mistakes.
VIEW MORE COMMENTS
Replying to X

Comments are moderated and generally will be posted if they are on-topic and not abusive.

For more information, please see our Comments FAQ

E-Publications

Most Read