Why are breakups harder on some people than others

Don't let ghosts of relationships past leave you hurtin'

Breakups can take a toll on people in a number of ways. Some celebrate their independence and move on, while others carry the trauma of heartbreak for years -- a song, or name can make an individual experience the pain of loss all over again.

Which begs the question, why do some people hurt more from a breakup than others?

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Research done by Lauren Howe and Carol Dweck, PhD students at Stanford University, found that rejection makes some people redefine themselves and their future romantic prospects.

"A number of respondents thought the rejection unmasked a basic negative truth about themselves – one that would also sabotage their future relationships. Some said they’d realised that they were too 'clingy.' Other thought they’d been “too sensitive” or “bad at communicating,” wrote Howe.

The difference, Howe explained, is how people view their personalities. While some people have a "growth mindset" believing personalities are changeable and fluid, others have a "fixed mindset" which means they believe their personality is unchangeable.

When people have a fixed mindset, they link rejection to an aspect of their core identity, thus finding it harder to move on from the experience.

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"Some said they 'put up walls' and became warier about new relationships. Others were afraid to disclose the rejection to a new partner, fearing that this person would change their opinion of them, thinking they had 'baggage.'"

In one study, Howe and Dweck divided people into two groups: those with a fixed mindset and those with a growth mindset. The participants read one of two stories. In one, they were asked to imagine being left, out of the blue, by a long-term partner. In the other, they were asked to imagine meeting someone at a party, feeling a spark and then later overhearing that person telling a friend that they would never be romantically interested in her or him.

For people with a fixed view of personality, Howe explained, "we found that even a rejection from a relative stranger could prompt them to wonder what this rejection unveiled about their core self. These people might worry that there was something so obviously undesirable about them that a person would reject them outright – without even getting to know them."

The solution Howe then suggests, is to change people's beliefs about personality. This will, in turn, change their negative reactions to rejection.



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In a final study, the colleagues created articles that described personality as something that can evolve throughout the course of a lifetime, rather than as something that’s predetermined. When they then asked people with a fixed mindset to read these articles, they became less likely to interpret rejections as an indication of a permanent, fatal deficiency.

"By encouraging the belief that personality can change and develop over time, we may be able to help people exorcise the ghosts of their romantic pasts – and move on to satisfying relationships in the future."

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