A painful path doesn’t always have to lead to more pain, there are ways to cope with or break free of domestic abuse.
Between July and September this year, 1650 domestic violence cases were reported by the Aurat Foundation in Pakistan. Nearly 37% of those had been abused by their husbands. In accordance with the theme for this year ‘From Peace in the Home to Peace in the World’, we have compiled a survival guide for women who have come face-to-face with domestic abuse.
Mend, don’t end
Separation or divorce is not an easy decision and should not be taken in haste. Never assume that things will not work out unless you have tried the proposed solutions at least once.
Try to make things work
If you have decided to give your marriage a second chance, there is a set of things you will have to do:
• Don’t be confused. If you have decided to give your marriage a try, do it with whole heartedness.
• Don’t self-blame. It’s not your fault if your partner uses force and abuse.
• Speak up. Talk to your parents, family and friends.
• Seek professional counseling. Violence occurs when discussions among partners fail to improve situations.
• Plan your family. It’s a myth that having children will create a bond with your partner.
• Talk to your partner when you feel he will truly listen and respond, instead of trying to get his attention when he is busy watching TV. Decide on a time that works for both of you.
Stay safe
If you choose to stay, you should always be ready for a violent attack. You never know what triggers your abuser and he might find an excuse to attack you.
• Keep a fully charged cell phone round the clock.
• Identify a safe place inside your house where you can lock yourself in case of an emergency.
• Use a code to inform your family, friends or neighbours, so you don’t have to make long calls or type lengthy texts in an emergency.
• Always keep a set of house keys and some cash with you.
• You can also file a harassment complain under the Domestic Violence (Prevention and Protection) law that was passed in March this year. According to the law, anybody who inflicts physical or mental damage on another can face up to two years in prison.
Don’t let broken relationships break you
It’s only human for relationships to fail. Once you know you gave it your best shot and it still didn’t work, you should not endure abuse of any kind. You should:
• Not give your partner more than one chance. He will never change if he denies how serious his abuse is.
• Tell him clearly that you have decided to break up due to the violence. Don’t announce breakups when you actually don’t mean them.
• Don’t melt if he begs for forgiveness and asks for another chance. Just leave.
• Don’t think about what people will say.
• Move, if you can, to a more peaceful society. Move to a new place, look for a job or continue your education.
• Meditate and give time to yourself.
• If you decide to leave and have nowhere to go, you can go to the Panah shelter in Karachi, Dastak shelter in Lahore,The Women Shelter Organisation in Faislabad or the Star Welfare Organisation in Sargodha.
Ayesha Hasan is part of the Lahore editorial team at
The Express Tribune. She tweets @ayeshahasan08
Published in The Express Tribune, Sunday Magazine, December 15th, 2013.
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