Our man on the moon
It wasn’t easy. There were serious visa issues. Also, the launch failed several times, prompting a thorough overhaul of the spacecraft by a team of mechanics from Lalookhet. In addition, repeated onboard power failures meant the craft was adrift in space often, losing all course and direction.
Eventually, it did land rather safely, losing only part of its landing gear and a single tyre, and narrowly but successfully avoiding a group of panicked passersby in the process. CNN’s Anderson Blooper caught up with Pakistan’s first astronaut, Qamaruzzaman Moonis, soon after the historic touchdown. Some excerpts:
QM: Where is camera, I look in camera, yes?
AB: Yes, it’s here. You’re on air, sir.
QM: No! I not on air. I already landed. I think. Yes?
AB: I mean you’re live on camera, sir. The whole world is watching you.
QM: Yes yes, thank you. Here I am. Hello people.
AB: I’m sure your family and friends back home are watching. This is a proud moment for …
QM: No, they not watch. Sadly. This is load-shedding year in Pakistan. Electric-city come next year. For two month.
AB: Oh yes, I understand the power crisis in your country, sir. But I’m sure they must have heard about the landing. Maybe celebrating right now, distributing sweets, throwing meals, as I understand is the custom …
QM: No, no food-cooking. Sadly. This is gas shortage month. Gas come next month. For two week.
AB: Well at least there must be wild cheers and dances and …
QM: No, no dance. Sadly. Dance banned in Punjab. Assembly pass law. CM Maulvi Nimaz Sharif himself ban it.
AB: Well sir … I think people must be happy to hear the news anyways …
QM: Yes of course. Pakistani people always happy. Government say so.
AB: Sir, given the troubled times in the country, I can imagine how hard it must be to run a space programme. Could you tell us …
QM: Yes yes. Pakistan have many space programme. I see one on Disco Very Channel myself. That why I want to come here.
AB: Uh, I’m not talking about TV programmes …
QM: Yes, I love TV. Talk show. All politician insulting each other. Also science show on Very Disco Channel. But I not watch much. Load-shedding, you know.
AB: Sir, um, I was wondering how were you selected for this prestigious trip. I mean, you don’t seem to …
QM: Of course I was selected, all-proper. You see, PM’s wife’s makeup artist’s nephew my close friend. I told him: I want to be country’s first spaceman. He said: not easy. So I pay him Rs50,000 and two gas cylinder. So here I am.
AB: But sir, your qualifications, experience …
QM: Of course I has qualification. Degree. Astrophysical. From University of Lasbela. Cheapest in country. I only pay Rs15,000 for it. Degree is degree you know, real or political. That how I become astronut.
AB: You mean astronaut.
QM: Yes, astronut.
AB: Sir, I was hoping you’d give us your personal angle on this momentous journey. I mean …
QM: No problem. My personal angle: about 75 degrees. Same angle all through flight. Back hurt so much now. But Lalookhet mechanic say: you change angle, whole rocket break up. So I very careful. All the time 75 degrees.
AB: Sir ... what’s that noise coming from your craft: banging, shouting…!
QM: Oh no! I forget. Ten people in cargo compartment. Illegal you see, no visa. I go check. More Inter View later. I love TV!
Published in The Express Tribune, Sunday Magazine, June 3rd, 2012.
COMMENTS (34)
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Last punch was ultimate.. :-)
This was supposed be Humor section? Seriously. Publish some real stories that are really funny and not this kind of retarted stuff!
@enger, Eng Rehman malik is leading sciencist is not it??
If you don't want to be picked on, don't act like jokes.
Nice article...but this will happen before 2040 InshaAllah....World will c a Pakistani on Moon very soon...Pak is working to achieve this goal too..its a big challenge but one should't under estimate the talented nation. "Qamar zaman" is preparing for LIFTOFF.
And finally found OBL on the north west corner of moon pluto...haha
sad how people find this funny
To all those Pakistanis abusing ET
What the author has done is called satire...Presenting our inablities in a humorous manner.... When we laugh at ourselves...We give a headstart to ourselves to rectify it before others start laughing at us....
Looks like Pakistanis dont have the stomach for humor and get into defensive mode... However in India,the satire spoof "The Week that wasnt" is a big hit when it ridicules each and every part of our nation.....
hahahahaha :) Very Funny but sad too that no Pakistani has set his foot on Moon
Very funny yet packs a punch! Good job author!
Nice, unpolished humour. When you lose the ability to laugh at yourself ...... you lose a bit of yourself.
@Uzair Javaid: Failed States Index. Whoops...
Let's not try to hide bitter reality and instead work on trying to make things better.
Rubishhh - Absolute rubbish and again an effort by ET to show Pakistan a backward and failed nation. Shame on you ET for publishing this article
i don't know what u want to prove???.......without gas and electricity running a space is illogical.....this u want prove??
Just loved it. Looking at the above posts, we cannot take 'truth' in its form.
Unfortunately, many things said here is some true. Landi is suffering a brutal 18 hour daily powercut on average. Education standards, too low. People get degrees, go to Canada & become Taxi Drivers/Dubai/Saudi. Despite having huge resources like Sui Gas & coal mines, there is scarcity of gas/water & corrupt politicians loot billions.
But people's are fed up & a revolution is coming like Tsunami which will change Pakistan in 90 days.
Disgraced ET
Waste of speace :( Come on ET, you can do better than that.
to create a speculative light read for the readers .. one still needs to work hard ... and respect the reader's common sense. you just cant have a space program with Laloo khet "engineering", low quality education/skills/IQ and energy crisis. even how can v as country exist till 2112 with these issues.. just a thought
Was this supposed to be funny? :P
Funny but not LOL funny :P
This is an insult to the pakistani nation.
The first Pakistani on the moon? Seriously? In 2112? If the current pace of the country continues all I can imagine is a post-apocalyptic environment.
haha A A Shaikh. Dude this is one of the funniest articles I've read in ages and am hitting myself for not writing it first! BRILLIANT! Of course a few people don't get the humor. The comments are almost as funny as the article! Well done and so well written. Ingenious.
Rubbish! Total rubbish! It's 2012 and ET has won the art of degrading a whole country.
It is almost funny!
4 years back we(Zaid Hamid) guaranteed that Pakistanis will be on moon in 5 years. This article fulfills that prophecy.
ufff, people have so much hate against lalookhet that they always make it a center of their jokes.
Why not they use "Karachi" instead
Rubbish...