Bollywood walked, so Indian TV could scream: The night my popcorn filed a noise complaint

KARACHI:

On the night of May 8, I sat in my house, having some fantastic tea and doom-scrolling when I encountered news posted by several Indian media channels. Apparently, Karachi Port had been destroyed. Moreover, 100 missiles had been launched towards Pakistan, the Army Chief had been arrested, and the Indian Navy was rapidly advancing towards us too.

Hearing the commotion in my area, I also believed that Indian soldiers had arrived outside my house. I savoured every sip of what I believed was going to be my last cup of tea in this life and went out to check what was going on. It was a couple of kids fighting over whose dad will buy them a bigger goat this Eidul Azha.

Little did they know that the biggest bakra this Eid were the Indian media who were reporting fake news like their lives depended on it (it probably did) and endorsing and celebrating war between two nuclear countries.

Interdimensional TV

Watching Indian media is quite literally akin to watching a blind goat run amok in the neighbourhood and cause havoc for absolutely no reason. It's like watching interdimensional cable from Rick and Morty in which programs from infinite alternative realities are available. Because what the neighbouring countries' channels were reporting was definitely not from this universe.

But then Bollywood is an alternate reality in itself where Hindi-speaking stars conquer the world with their dance moves. I was half expecting Akshay Kumar to fly over Karachi and drop DVDs of Bade Miyan Chote Miyan, since the 2024 film had a proven record of successfully bombing at the box office.

None of that happened, thankfully, despite what the Indian media reported.

If I were to believe the reports, Modi had developed a bagel-shaped blackhole and Pakistan was about to be swallowed by it. Does he not know our lives are already depressing enough that we wouldn't even know the difference?

The world has underestimated our nihilistic tendencies. We have constantly lived through wars, terrorist attacks, fascism, dictatorships, and whatnot for decades. This is perhaps why Pakistani social media users resort to humour to cope with tragedies.

Either that, or they don't understand the consequences of war. Either way, while the social media reactions did create endless entertainment out of it, war is not meant to be fodder for entertainment. Nobody can 'meme' their way out of a war.

The same channels which use AI-generated images to show Indian military decimating Pakistan have created consent for their country to start a war based on unproven allegations. It's a move copied word to word from Israel's playbook, which is unsurprising since the drones launched towards Pakistan were also made by Israel.

But this isn't new. The Butcher of Gujarat has long been radicalising India for over a decade and pushing a Hindu vs Muslim narrative to cause further division. With the military and media on his side, one can see the constant brainwashing show its effects via the vitriol spewed by Indian celebrities.

While the government, media and militaries of the countries attempt to one-up each other, it's the people who suffer — Indians, Pakistanis and especially Kashmiris who are always collateral damage in this pointless conflict.

Three nights in a row, India has attempted to attack Pakistan under the cover of darkness, with the most recent being the intercepted missile strike in the capital city of Islamabad and what looked like drone attacks in residential areas of Karachi. Once the Indian media was caught blatantly lying, and became the punchline of an unfunny joke, another attack looks not just like a provocation but rather a desperate attempt to save face after the Rafales failed them.

It's astonishing that an investigation into the Pahalgam attack has become an afterthought and the focus on igniting a war with Pakistan. Forcing a country to retaliate, which Pakistan did, in order to start a regional war when both states have nuclear arms is undoubtedly the most foolish step. While the politicians on either side may have the luxury of hiding in bunkers, 1.5 billion Indians and 250 million Pakistanis do not.

Stink wars

It would have been better if we fought wars like South and North Korea where the latter attaches stinky garbage bags to balloons and sends them to Seoul. Similarly, Pakistan could tie its TikTokers to a balloon and send them to India while they drop Arjun Kapoor and Kangana Ranaut on us. That would be the end of it. Shake hands, go home. Live in peace.

Among the few voices of reason that I have come across so far includes Sonakshi Sinha's who called the news channels a joke with their "screaming and shouting" and for "sensationalising war". While Pakistanis rightly criticise local media for their silence on certain issues, Indian media is the exact opposite. At times, one can hardly tell the difference between news and Star Plus dramas that our mothers made us watch as kids.

It won't be far-fetched to imagine Arnab Goswami putting a laptop he got from Pakistan government's student laptop scheme in the laundry, provoking further conflict between the two countries. Or maybe he's just mad he didn't get one.

That explains the incessant shouting packaged as news by the likes of him. It's no wonder that Indian media channels have been criticised by their very own people who see through the charade. The news anchors are treating war like it's an Olympic sport, unbothered by the real-life consequences and potential loss of human lives.

Regardless, all the propaganda campaigns and provocations have been nothing but an absurd live theatre performance directed by Swedish director Roy Andersson, where comedy is replaced with utter hatred. In his 2000 film Songs from the Second Floor, a character walks into a restaurant and the woman at the counter asks him, "How are you?". He responds, "What can I say? It's not easy being human."

It definitely is not easy being human, especially in times of war. But we must remain so.

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