A sacred union, twisted

KARACHI:

The Holy Quran describes the relationship between a husband and wife as one of protection, comfort, and mutual intimacy: "They are your garments, and you are their garments." (2:187).

Meanwhile, culturally in Pakistan both husband and wife are referred to as two wheels of a moving vehicle, which means they share equal responsibility and status. However, these cultural and religious standards are not upheld in a conservative, patriarchal society such as ours.

In January the Legal Aid Society brought a case forward, where a husband was punished for sodomising his wife. The decision in the case sparked a discourse about marital rape, which has largely been a shrugged-off topic among society.

According to the United Nations Population Fund Pakistan, physical violence has affected 28% of women aged 15 to 49, while sexual violence has affected 6% of the same age group. A quarter of all married women have suffered physical, sexual, or emotional abuse at the hands of their spouse. A fifth of women report that their spouse have sexually abused them, according to the Pakistan Demographic and Health Survey, 2017–18. 56% of women who have been the victims of physical or sexual abuse do not report the abuse to anybody or seek assistance. The main causes of this are sociocultural obstacles, economic reliance, informational gaps, accessibility issues, and the absence of support networks like mental and medical support services.

24-year-old, Sabiha*, who has a Bachelor’s degree in Chemistry, got married in an arranged setup in 2018. Like every other girl she looked forward to a life full of love, laughter, and respect with her husband who was an engineer by profession. Sabiha’s dreams were shattered on the very first night of her marriage when she met her husband for the first time.

He sexually assaulted her, choked her until she passed out, and when she gained consciousness, she had to be rushed to a hospital emergency because of loss of blood.

Sabiha's troubles had only begun. Her husband would ask her to do things that are prohibited religiously and even after complaining to her mother-in-law, the only thing she was told was to be patient and that he would be fine once she was carrying his child. For two years, Sabiha tried to suffered emotional and sexual abuse at the hands of her husband. Finally, she realised that she was not being abused because she was ugly or overweight or less qualified but her husband was the one who was not normal.

“Luckily, I had a friend from university who knocked sense into me. She made me realise what I was doing to myself as I started losing weight, I had dark circles under my eyes, my face grew pale due to depression and trauma, I had bruises all over my body,” said Sabiha. Her friend helped her file a case against her husband and the court granted her a divorce from him in 2022.

Stories like Sabiha's are not rare in our society but the issue is society's acceptance of the existence of these cases. Parents and families must support their daughters when they raise any complaints and not dismiss them. Neither should victims of abuse be told to stick it out. ‘Have patience’, ‘compromise’, or ‘things will be fine with time’ are commonly heard and unhelpful responses when women flag problems in their marriage.

It took Noreen Khalid 12 years and three children to understand she was being abused since the very first month of her marriage.

“One day when my husband dragged me by pulling me by my hair from the kitchen to the bedroom in front of my 10-year-old daughter, I decided I can’t take this anymore,” narrated Noreen, who teaches at a school in her residential area. “I can’t normalise it for her. “

Noreen, an orphan, was married off to a man 10 years older than her by her uncle and because she didn’t have any family to go back to, she kept the sexual abuse, physical, and emotional abuse on herself.

“First it was like I was not pretty enough and then I kept quiet for my kids that at least they have a father but despite all that I suffered, many distant relatives didn’t like the idea of me leaving my husband after all these years. They say who will take care of your children and how will you manage without a man in this society. Sometimes I don’t even have answers to such heartless comments,” she said adding that, she is happy that she made that decision and is now living a peaceful life with her children. “We may eat less and have fewer facilities but at least I have dignity and my children will learn to raise their voice against any wrong that will happen to them in the future as they didn’t see their mother being a sacrificial lamb,” Noreen said.

Legality of marital rape

Since the inception of the country cases of domestic violence or sexual abuse against women have been reported but the numbers were far from reality. Cases for non-consensual intercourse between husband and wife, forceful sexual favours, wrong and prohibited sexual favours and any such cases are hard to report. But earlier this year where the first conviction for marital rape in Sindh Province and a groundbreaking ruling were the results of the legislation amendment. On January 15, 2024, a Karachi sessions court found a man guilty of having non-consensual intercourse with his wife and sentenced him to three years in jail.
The man was found guilty of forced sexual acts and sodomy, as defined by Section 377 of the Pakistan Penal Code (PPC), which forbids "unnatural offenses," according to the man's wife. Even though the decision was based on "unnatural offenses," it establishes a new standard for the prosecution and conviction of those who commit marital rape, especially in light of the recent legislative changes to the Pakistan Penal Code.

In Pakistan, there has not been a single incidence of marital rape reported or convicted until September 2018. The amendment is a major turning point in the fight against marital sexual assault and the establishment of informed consent. “This case not only established a standard and open ways for women who have been suffering in silence under the name of honour but also gave the victims faith that there is hope in the country’s judicial system,” said Sara Wahid, a lawyer. She also added that the reasons such cases go unreported are family pressure and that women are to be taught from very early stages in life that their husbands have every right to their bodies.

Another major problem that the cases are not reported is the system doesn’t support such incidents where women are discouraged on every step to give up or step back, “Statements such as who will re-marry you, you will bring disgrace to the family, and mostly mothers of such victims making them understand that marriage is also about sacrifice, compromise, and patience, your love will make him right one day,” Wahid shared narrating the reasons she hears from victims, but mostly women end up either having mental health issue or worse they commit suicide.

In its 2020–2021 report, the non-governmental organisation War Against Rape (WAR) detailed how, in Pakistan, over 22,037 rape cases were reported to the police nationwide in the previous six years. Of those cases, 4,060 are still pending in court, and only 77 of the accused have been found guilty, or 0.3% of the total. Merely 18% of cases have progressed to the point of prosecution. Due to social pressures, other procedural barriers, and flaws in the legal system, the NGO claimed that only 41% of rape cases get reported to the police.

Although Pakistan's judicial system has developed throughout time to address domestic abuse and marital rape, several laws protect women’s rights but there are still many obstacles in the way of fully resolving these problems.

“Pakistani law does not specifically make marital rape a crime. Since the Pakistani Penal Code (PPC) does not consider non-consensual sexual interactions between spouses a criminal offense, the idea of marital rape is largely missing from the legal system. This indicates a serious weakness in the way that women's rights are safeguarded in marriage,” shared the lawyer who has been practicing for the last 10 years and dealing with cases of violence against women. She also mentioned that the PPC's Section 375 defines rape, but it also contains an exception that says a man's sexual relations with his wife who is not under 16 does not qualify as rape. This essentially removes marital rape from the definition of rape, giving women in these circumstances little legal protection.

On the other hand, women are protected by laws in the domain of domestic violence, and several laws are there provincially and even on the federal level. Domestic Violence (Prevention and Protection) Act, 2012 (Federal) shields women, children, and other family members who are more susceptible to domestic abuse. It encompasses verbal, financial, psychological, emotional, and physical abuse as well as harassment. The law enables victims to form protection committees and shelter homes, as well as to obtain protection orders against the abuser. Protection order violators may be fined, imprisoned for up to six months, or both. However, because of problems with enforcement and implementation, the law's efficacy is frequently called into question. Other than that, each province has its separate law for violence against women.

Having a law is one thing but the implementation challenges is another elephant in the room, there have been cases where victims take back the case after pressure from family and social isolation. “Strong societal and cultural conventions frequently prohibit women from reporting or requesting assistance in cases of domestic abuse because speaking out against marital rape or domestic violence has a heavy stigma, which might discourage victims from coming forward,” Wahid explained adding that, there are laws, but they are frequently not enforced. Judges and police officers may be untrained or unwilling to deal with domestic abuse situations in the right way. Additionally, there is a deep-rooted idea to promote reconciliation as an alternative to taking legal action. For victims, the legal process can be frightening because many cases are dropped or resolved out-of-court. “It is also very difficult for the victim to prove their case, which makes obtaining justice challenging,” she added.

Psychological impact

Marital rape is linked to depression, anxiety, and mental health issue because it can result in feelings of devaluation, a poor self-image, and the well-known risk factors for depression—shame, guilt, and fear. Years after the abuse, some women who have experienced sexual abuse by their partners in the past describe experiencing emotional distress, sexual dysfunction, and flashbacks.
“Because victims of marital rape may also feel betrayed by their partner, the act may be even more dismal than rape by a stranger. There is a strong correlation between intimate sexual violence and worsening physical and mental health. Pre-traumatic paralysis and/or dissociation are states that many victims experience before a trauma that prevents them from protesting or resisting,” told clinical psychologist Syeda Masooma Zehra. Shedding some light on why such incidents happen and what the mental condition of men who commit such acts, she shared that men since childhood are taught that they have to earn and rule the house while women are taught to be home-makers and someone who will compromise more in the marriage which eventually puts one partner in a more powerful position. “Men are taught from their homes, friends, and even the society standards to conduct themselves powerful physically, strong and one step above women, that makes their ego very fragile and they cannot take a woman who denies them anything,” the psychologist explains adding that in specifically Pakistani society where the system is so flawed that men are deprived of basic understandings and teaching and have kept under an impression of taboo topics where sex-education and awareness is a far-fetched idea, there understanding of marriage or women revolves around sexual needs mainly.

The second major factor that plays a vital role here is the idea of slavery, such as when a woman gets married, she is to be responsible for providing her man with food to clothes, and from clean house everything in place, and in return, men provide shelter and food to the women. “This concept has been misused where women are taken just as slaves to manage the house and no partnership and companionship between the partners,” Zehra explained adding that in a society where we have a joint family system in place and the wife is expected to serve everyone hot piping food and also to entertain her husband when he comes all tired and frustrated from his workplace, where is the identity of that woman and what escape does she have and in that out of any reason if she denies any sexual favours, the husband bring religious connotations and force her into something she wasn’t willing to.

Women who come out and speak about such incidents in their lives don’t do it right away but on average, they take at least 2-3 years to speak up because the first time when they administer non-consensual intercourse from their husband they go into trauma and almost it takes a year for them to understand what went wrong. “The topic is also a taboo to talk to when such victims share their stories with their mother, sister, or any other women in the family the only thing they hear is there is no such thing as marital rape, he is your husband and he has every right on you, have patience things will get better with time,” Zehra narrated the most common answers she hears from her patients.

In 90 percent of the cases when men and women both come for therapy, they have few sentences when asked what they want and what they plan next, women have to say (I don’t know what to do, I am shattered, I am a nobody/nothing, I am done with everything) while men mostly say (I don’t know what is next in life). “When someone is so helpless in their life and mostly receives no support from their family, they start having anxiety, palpitations and difficulty in breathing or talking. Depression comes much later,” she shared.

Most men when they come along with their wives in such cases have a vengeful attitude because for him she is not honouring him and with women they hardly have any other option. If the husband is not treating them well, sexually assaulting them, beating them, or even having extramarital affairs the only option a woman has is to leave the partner because lawfully nothing else can be done. “Women have only two options depending upon her financial stability, one if she is qualified and has means to earn then she leaves the husband but the majority in Pakistan do not have education on the said topic even so they give up on the idea and adjust to the toxicity,” Zehra added.

Religious perspective

Islamic beliefs are against injustice and damage. "Do not cause harm or return harm" is what the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) reportedly said (Hadith). This universal rule applies to marriage as well as to other partnerships. Islam forbids the use of force or compulsion in any way that results in injury.
Islamic scholars interpret the rights and obligations of marriage differently. Even if certain traditional interpretations might not specifically acknowledge the idea of marital rape, many modern scholars contend that coerced sexual encounters are against Islamic moral and ethical precepts, which demand respect and dignity for both parties.

Many verses from the Quran and hadith prove how to treat your wives and what kind of a relationship one should have as the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) himself has shown through his relationships how to treat your partners.

It was well known that the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) showed his wives the highest regard and consideration. He never mistreated or hit any of them. "Those who are the best to their wives are the best among you," he declared (Hadith). According to the Holy Book, husbands should treat their wives with respect and kindness. It says, "Live with them in kindness; for if you dislike them, perhaps you dislike a thing and Allah makes therein much good" (Qur'an 4:19). This order is violated by any kind of abuse or violence.

“Things have changed a lot in recent years when the definition of rape and criminal offense has been redefined which eventually has reformed criminal procedures,” said Safia Lakho, the Programme Manager and Assistant Litigation Manager M&E at Legal Aid Society. She also told that after such legislation more female advocates are coming forward and fighting for such cases which before were not that common.

“We have laws for marital rape as well in Pakistan Penal Code but the problem is implementation and many other factors because of which either the cases aren’t reported or even if reported backed off due to family pressures and other societal issues,” she explained adding that many cases face delays due to investigations, witnesses, and evidence but with time things have gone better in Sindh and we have seen more prosecution and punishments.