Goat-Spy Letters — X

In which Jassasa proposes a platform for intercultural slippering tournaments and introduces a new ideal for chivalry

 

Ahem! So my Master on whose hairy shoulders was placed the responsibility to make strife for ushering in the End of Times has been abdicating in its exercise!

Oh I jest, Master, I only jest!

Master’s continuing need for occultation has been unavoidable (as discussed in earlier missives), and therefore, I, Jassasa, have decided on an alternative course: I have for Master’s approval the blueprint of a proposal which fully and squarely meets the need for a thickly bubbling soup of strife that will, in a spicy way, fully satiate the appetite of time.

Master knows I follow the current events closely, and assiduously apply myself to the study of the world’s cultures and nations. I have often had the occasion to remark that in every nation and culture spread out on Earth’s face, there is invariably to be found a small but dedicated body of people with a burning desire to gut people from dissimilar nations and cultures; which nations and cultures, too, unfailingly, harbour people possessed by identical, unrequited wishes.

In the olden days the Devil did not hold dominion on Earth; there was a free mixing and matching of such groups. But the growing severity of the visa regimes now keeps in check such movements. As a result there is no matchmaking opportunity for these groups. The lack thereof wastefully leaks into ether many giga tons of unexpressed energy that could be exploited through cacophonous and martial enterprises for which a mass audience can be cultivated and a sponsor found. This is where Jassasa’s plan comes in.

On a visit to the Wagah village a few days back, I demarcated with the mind’s eye a piece of land measuring two square kilometres of which one half lies in the Designated Land, and the other half within its Eastern neighbour. I propose to build there a number of arenas.

The first arena will have a corridor bounded closely by steel bars across which teams from the two neighbourly nations could stand in rows and freely hiss at each other. The barred corridor will be wide enough to not allow any bodily contact through an outstretched arm or leg, but not so wide that a ball of spit could not overfly it. The team that deafens and douses its rival with its greater frothiness would be declared the winner.

The second arena would be made for participants willing to engage with each other on slapping terms. Hopping on one leg with one hand tied behind their backs, they would be able to deal slaps until the rival drops to the ground red, black or blue in the face.

In a third arena will be allowed much greater freedom with the proviso that only footwear can be employed in addressing the rival. The winner would be the one who deals the most slipper-slaps in the given time.

As mixed gender teams are known to perform better always, no gender discrimination in their composition will be allowed.

I would also hate to ban liberals from both sides as their recent performances give one hope that in them lie untapped reserves of natural talent which might soon make them stars of the arenas.

To begin the process, I will register in Master’s name two cyber properties, matchafanatic.com and its proposed media wing fanaticrolemodel.tv. I am already sounding out paan, snuff and garlic traders to sponsor the spitting match. A number of footwear companies from both sides of the border should potentially be interested in supplying the official footwear to their teams.

This plan would not only rejuvenate the ingredients of the strife pot without annihilating them, it would also introduce a fresh ideal of chivalry. For I believe that chivalry’s old ideal was nothing but a whorish coquetry that allowed those involved in murderous enterprises to maintain a pretence of nobility.

Jassasa would like to think that if the conquest of one’s self is the ultimate test of strength, allowing all its ugliness, free play must surely be the greatest act of chivalry.

Ever reflective (and waiting for Master’s speedy approval of the plan),

Jassasa

Published in The Express Tribune, July 27^th,  2011.