Mr know it all

A colleague at work has been getting very chummy with me. What should I do?

Q. Dear Mr Know It all

A colleague at work has been getting very chummy with me. My colleague always takes a smoke break whenever I take one, goes to the bathroom with me when I’m on my way there, and has started copying the way I dress. You may think otherwise ... but I am a man, and so is my colleague. Is this just a case of a little hero worship? Does he just want to be my friend, or is something more sinister in the offing? How do I get him to stop?

Stalked

A. While most of us spend a lifetime waiting and hoping that one day we’ll become cool enough to have our own stalker, some of us are actually dissing the one they’ve been blessed with on a silver platter. How vain! Of course, I agree it would be better to have a hot chick stalk you instead of a hairy ape, but still, dude, a stalker is a stalker. Stop thinking too much and revel in all the attention!

 

Q. Dear Mr Know It All,

I found myself in a bit of a sticky situation following my wife’s 30th birthday. A few weeks before the birthday, she kept saying she didn’t want to celebrate the day because she didn’t want to be reminded of the fact that she had turned THIRTY. She told me, and all her friends, to treat the day just like any other day and not give her any presents, etc. So naturally, I didn’t buy her anything. The night of her birthday, then, was a bit like what I would imagine the apocalypse to be — full of wailing, screaming, and things hurtling through the air. I’m just so confused.  Was I supposed to know that ‘Don’t buy me anything’ means ‘Push the boat out for a huge birthday bash?’ And after my oversight, how do I make it up to her?

Befuddled birthday basher

A. I’m afraid you’ve made the same mistake many a naïve husband has made in the past: believe (wrongly, of course) that you’ve got your wife all figured out! Guys keep forgetting that the complex genetics of the female kind make it impossible for them to have straight-up conversations and be readily comprehensible to an average male. Remember how you had to be ever-prepared for a surprise test back in grade school? Well, I hate to break this to you but that phase of your life isn’t over yet; only the subject has changed. Women love mind games, and the sooner you learn the warped rules, the better you’ll be able to play along … and with time and tons of practice, maybe even start winning.

By not buying wifey at least a pair of diamond studs on her milestone birthday, you blatantly let her know that you agree with her when she thinks she’s getting old … and women associate old with useless and ugly and whatnot. There are some instances when you are better off telling a little white lie, because a good husband never agrees with his wife when she’s in a self-deprecating mood. And that includes her suggesting you ignore her birthday, when on the inside she wants you to go all out and make her feel like the centre of your universe, where she belongs.

As far as making it up to her is concerned, I suggest you give her a call from the office one day and tell her to be ready by the time you get home. Don’t answer any questions and be as vague and assertive as possible. Take her to dinner, choose the food, and then bring her home and put a candle on a cupcake and sing her happy birthday. No asking her what she wants, no telling her where you’re going and definitely no seeking her approval. Top all of this with a decent present and you won’t have to spend the night on the couch for a few months at least!



Q. Dear Mr Know It All,

I’m a teenager who’s come to ‘that’ point in life where one has to decide what they want to do with their lives. I’ll just cut to the chase. My folks want me to be a doctor. And I don’t want to be one. I have absolutely no interest in the profession and have made that clear to my parents. Unfortunately, anything I say falls on deaf ears. I want to pursue a career in law. And no, I’m not desperately clinging to a childhood dream. I’ve given it a lot of thought and I want to be a lawyer. I’ve got a year left to make my decision. And quite frankly, I don’t know what to do about it.

Unheard

A. Welcome to the real world, kiddo. Believe it or not, your problem hits home for every sub-continental kid out there. Up until a few years ago, every well-meaning parent on this side of the globe wanted their child to become an engineer or a doctor; today, they want their kids to become, well, a doctor apparently, or a morning show host. (Seriously, do you have any idea just how much money those guys make?)

The rest of the world may have evolved to let teenagers like you make their own decisions, but we’re still way behind. That’s not to say you should give up hope altogether, no, just that there are some things you should accept and try to work your way around. I personally don’t approve of parents pre-planning their children’s lives for them; especially when it comes to aspects as material as what they’ll be spending their days doing for the next 50 or so years. But then I also admit that a parent’s insight about these things is usually invaluable. This may sound like a stretch but they can recognise your limitations better than you yourself at this age, and can thus provide excellent career advice. So, instead of prodding you to have a full-blown confrontation with the wet blankets, I’m going to turn caveman on you and ask you to make a good old fashioned pros and cons list for both the careers in question; make presentations if you have to, and then have a peaceful, adult-like discussion with them. Make them understand your point of view instead of trashing theirs. And then, if they’re still being adamant, you can always try the no-fail divide and rule approach, which is a known strategy to work on difficult parents!

P.S. Just an afterthought: If you can’t sweet-talk your parents into letting you live your life the way you want to live it, are you absolutely sure you’re cut out to become a good lawyer?

Published in The Express Tribune, Sunday Magazine, June 26^th,  2011.