1. People with zero body fat. I mean, how is it that all you do in the gym is sip water and gossip but you still have extremely toned muscles? Isn’t your life filled with pizza cravings and doughnuts like the rest of us? And to top it off, you make it look effortless.
2. Weight training. Hello! I am a female — I’m not supposed to be doing weight-training. I’m supposed to be sitting pretty while steroid-induced guys busy themselves with the military press. And besides it’s not like I actually want Hulk biceps… eww.
3. The lady on the treadmill next to me who has spent the last 40 minutes running at a speed of 12 (a very high speed, especially if you are at 5.6). You make me feel bad. Hmm... maybe that treadmill is magical, let’s try it. Nope! MAYDAY, MAYDAY!
4. The thin, well-toned trainers who just keep pushing you to try harder. Granted it’s their job, but can’t you just slack off once in a while like the rest of the nation? “This is how you do an oblique sit up, breathe in, breath out, 12-15 times, each side. Stretch and repeat twice!” Fine, I’ll try. 1...2...3...nope, can’t. Stitch in side!
5. The diet plan attached to the work out plan. I think it’s just there to make you feel bad. It’s not like anyone follows it, right? Please agree with me here...
6. Squats. Squats make you look awkward, feel self-conscious and be uncomfortable all at the same time. Do I need to say more?
7. The horrors of learning that the ratio of sweat to weight loss is directly proportional. Isn’t there any other way? I mean can’t I just donate an organ instead? I am sure my kidneys weigh a couple of pounds....
8. The guilt rationalisation. I just ate a big slice of chocolate fudge cake. It’s okay, I’ll spend twenty minutes extra in the gym to burn it off. No really, it’s okay to treat yourself once in a while (read every third day).
9. The smell of human sweat. Use anti-perspirants and deodorants before I spray the air-freshener on you! I mean it!
10. The “weighing” scale. It never changes — even if you balance yourself on it with one foot. Believe me, I’ve tried. Besides it’s not like I let a stupid machine dictate my self-worth. So anyone know where you can get self-esteem points from? Just ran out...need to stock up on those again.
Published in The Express Tribune, Sunday Magazine May 22nd, 2011.
Comments are moderated and generally will be posted if they are on-topic and not abusive.
For more information, please see our Comments FAQ