5 things to consider if you think your friend's marrying the wrong person
Studies have shown that our friends actually have better judgement about our choice of partners than we do ourselves
Maya Ali and Osman Khalid Butt. PHOTO: FILE
We’ve all been through the awful dilemma, where your best friend is so excited to make you meet their new significant other, but the first meeting doesn’t go as expected. You really didn’t like the person for your bestie and you feel they deserve way better. On the contrary, your friend is dying to hear about how much you liked their new love interest, so you grit your teeth and say, “I’m happy that you’re happy.”
You might even assume they will breakup eventually but sometimes they don’t. And, you start feeling you cannot let them tie the knot, because your friend is not respected in the relationship nor treated well.
5 ways to sustain marital bliss
As friends, when is it our responsibility to intervene? And when should we accept our friends' decisions and just back off? Compiled from Cosmopolitan magazine, relationship therapist Aimee Hartstein shares her advice on how to handle this kind of situation.
1. When in doubt, do nothing
We know, it’s tough. But sometimes you just have to chill. “My overarching piece of advice is that most of the time, you should do nothing,” Aimee explains. “Intimate relationships and sexual attraction are very personal subjects. People have complicated relationships and one never knows what goes on privately between two people.” If it’s a borderline situation, you often just have to keep your mouth shut.
2. Think about your own relationship to the person
Where is the dislike coming from? A lot of us are so protective of our friends— I mean, they’re obviously the best people ever — so we don’t feel like anyone is good enough. “Firstly you should give them a bit of a chance and get to know them,” she says. “Some people are not as personable and appealing until they are really integrated into a group. If you give the person time they may grow on you.”
6 tips to make an arranged marriage work
3. Know the signs if something is really wrong
Sometimes, you will have to say something. “If you feel that your friend is being hurt, abused, berated, or shamed by their partner then you absolutely need to reach out to your friend and tell them. This still may cause some discomfort and hurt feelings, but that price is worth it if you truly feel that your friend is getting themselves into a bad or dangerous situation,” adds Aimee. “A big red flag to look out for, in addition to rude or nasty behaviour right in front of you, are people who try to isolate their partners. If your friend tells you that their partner hates their friends and family and tries to get them to cut ties, this is a very bad sign.”
4. Be aware of the consequences of saying something
Whether you have a good reason to or not, know that saying something might upset your friend— and, ultimately, isolate them. “In addition, you should realise that ‘no good deed goes unpunished!’” Aimee explains. “Expressing dislike or disapproval of your friends’ fiance is rarely going to go well! You need to have a very significant reason for doing so and it needs to be well thought out.” Even then, the risks are high.
5 marriage blunders even smart couples make
5. You may be right, but so what?
Look, just because you shouldn’t say anything doesn’t mean you’re wrong. “Studies have shown that our friends actually have better judgement about our choice of partners than we do ourselves,” she says. But, ultimately, is it worth losing a friend over? And, if it is the wrong person, they’re going to need your support down the line, so there’s no point in pushing them away now. You should know the signs of a toxic relationship and never let that slide. But, if it’s just a case of someone being kind of an ass, so what? It’s not your choice. Your job is to be a good friend, no matter how hard that is.
Have something to add to the story? Share it in the comments below.
You might even assume they will breakup eventually but sometimes they don’t. And, you start feeling you cannot let them tie the knot, because your friend is not respected in the relationship nor treated well.
5 ways to sustain marital bliss
As friends, when is it our responsibility to intervene? And when should we accept our friends' decisions and just back off? Compiled from Cosmopolitan magazine, relationship therapist Aimee Hartstein shares her advice on how to handle this kind of situation.
1. When in doubt, do nothing
We know, it’s tough. But sometimes you just have to chill. “My overarching piece of advice is that most of the time, you should do nothing,” Aimee explains. “Intimate relationships and sexual attraction are very personal subjects. People have complicated relationships and one never knows what goes on privately between two people.” If it’s a borderline situation, you often just have to keep your mouth shut.
2. Think about your own relationship to the person
Where is the dislike coming from? A lot of us are so protective of our friends— I mean, they’re obviously the best people ever — so we don’t feel like anyone is good enough. “Firstly you should give them a bit of a chance and get to know them,” she says. “Some people are not as personable and appealing until they are really integrated into a group. If you give the person time they may grow on you.”
6 tips to make an arranged marriage work
3. Know the signs if something is really wrong
Sometimes, you will have to say something. “If you feel that your friend is being hurt, abused, berated, or shamed by their partner then you absolutely need to reach out to your friend and tell them. This still may cause some discomfort and hurt feelings, but that price is worth it if you truly feel that your friend is getting themselves into a bad or dangerous situation,” adds Aimee. “A big red flag to look out for, in addition to rude or nasty behaviour right in front of you, are people who try to isolate their partners. If your friend tells you that their partner hates their friends and family and tries to get them to cut ties, this is a very bad sign.”
4. Be aware of the consequences of saying something
Whether you have a good reason to or not, know that saying something might upset your friend— and, ultimately, isolate them. “In addition, you should realise that ‘no good deed goes unpunished!’” Aimee explains. “Expressing dislike or disapproval of your friends’ fiance is rarely going to go well! You need to have a very significant reason for doing so and it needs to be well thought out.” Even then, the risks are high.
5 marriage blunders even smart couples make
5. You may be right, but so what?
Look, just because you shouldn’t say anything doesn’t mean you’re wrong. “Studies have shown that our friends actually have better judgement about our choice of partners than we do ourselves,” she says. But, ultimately, is it worth losing a friend over? And, if it is the wrong person, they’re going to need your support down the line, so there’s no point in pushing them away now. You should know the signs of a toxic relationship and never let that slide. But, if it’s just a case of someone being kind of an ass, so what? It’s not your choice. Your job is to be a good friend, no matter how hard that is.
Have something to add to the story? Share it in the comments below.