6 tips to make an arranged marriage work

Published: March 9, 2015
Common in Pakistan, an arranged shaadi is coming together of individuals from different backgrounds to engineer a life. STOCK IMAGE

Common in Pakistan, an arranged shaadi is coming together of individuals from different backgrounds to engineer a life. STOCK IMAGE

Match, set, go. It’s easier said than done.

Extremely common in Pakistan, an arranged shaadi is the coming together of two individuals from different backgrounds to engineer a life. While couples in love marriages have the benefit of spending a lot of one-on-one time together before the wedding, couples in arranged marriages usually don’t have that privilege.

As compiled by Daily Marriage BuilderDaily Mail and Times of India, here are tips on ways to comprehend your partner better.

Be optimistic

Superior things can germinate no matter how dreadfully wrong the situation appears. You may think and feel that it is the end of your happily ever after dream of falling in love, but in reality, that’s not the case. Keep your mind open and practice sanguinity. You must see the bright side of things instead of focusing on the negatives and drowning yourself in sorrow. As for the facts – according to research conducted by Harvard academic Dr Robert Epstein, couples in arranged marriages or those who have had their partner selected for them by a parent or matchmaker, tend to feel more in love as time grows, whereas those in love marriages feel less affection for each other over time.

Befriend your partner

Getting to know your partner, whether it’s their food preferences or temperament, is essential and that can only be achieved when you spend time alone, instead of with your respective families. Without families scrutinising your every move, alone-time helps better your understanding and develop compatibility. As a married couple, you are entitled to a lifetime of harmony. Therefore, do not haste in making the marriage work. Just live one day at a time and savour the growth in your relationship. Take one step at a time and you might even be surprised to look back one day and find how amazing your journey as a couple was.

Attune your mind

It’s more than likely that a confused individual will also have a perplexed relationship. Sync your heart and mind into one so you can have clearer goals of what you want to accomplish in your arranged partnership. Do not be deceived into believing that you can be married to one person and love another. That is how unwise people think and it always ends up in bedlam. If you want to make your marriage work, make sure you enter it without any past baggage and preconceived notions.

Lay down your expectations

Any individual entering a romantic relationship has expectations. If you think you don’t, then you’re lying to yourself. While compromise and mutual adjustment is vital in any marriage, going in thinking that you’re not allowed to have any expectations from your arranged marriage is wrong, and frankly, unrealistic and impractical. Whatever expectations you have regarding your personal life going forward, or your professional life, in terms of career growth, let your partner know about them. Also, listen to their expectations too. These pragmatic expectations will ground you and let you move forward together in harmony.

Be an individual

Just because you’re in an arranged marital relationship with your other half, there is no need to let your individuality go. You are still the same person you were before you got married or engaged. There is no regulation that states that you need to spend all of your time pleasing your partner. Continue to go out with your friends and follow your passions and hobbies even after your marriage. If your spouse wants in on it, all the more fun, but if you feel you need the space and time away from the relationship to pursue your own interests, then let them know politely and you’ll be surprised he easily they’ll understand. That way, they’ll be comfortable pursuing their own interests without feeling uneasy.

Fall in love, eventually

Love is a vital element that’ll help both of you conquer hurdles. If love at first sight hasn’t happened, don’t worry. It may take time, but you will grow to love each other. Even if you’re in love already, don’t expect your partner to instantly reciprocate the feelings. Give him/her time and work on how you can earn his/her love. Be patient and don’t get frustrated every time your partner says or does something off beam. According to a study titled How Love Emerges in Arranged Marriages by American psychologist Dr Robert Epstein, within 10 years, the connection felt by those in an arranged marriage setup is said to be almost twice as strong as compared to love marriages. Epstein discovered that the one key to a strong arranged marriage is the amount of parental involvement. This gives you another motivation to always be on good terms with the in-laws!

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Reader Comments (7)

  • Stranger
    Mar 9, 2015 - 3:42PM

    More num of arranged marriages work successfully than love marriages . Recommend

  • Aviator
    Mar 9, 2015 - 5:46PM

    Do you have any statistics to back up your statement?Recommend

  • besharam
    Mar 9, 2015 - 6:05PM

    compare desi couples seperation ratio with western countries. moreover the divorce in Pakistan amongst couples who flee homes to get married is extremely high as compared to other casesRecommend

  • Stranger
    Mar 9, 2015 - 6:51PM

    Err dont want to sound like an old hag but in AM , the family relations are closeknit . Couples in LM too work hard for their relationships but in some cases the family is not with them. So they drift apart when the number of common binding things reduce. The extended family can be a powerful bonding glue in any marriage. Recommend

  • The realist
    Mar 10, 2015 - 3:03PM

    Dear the reason the family is not with them, is what is the fault. South Asian families want their kids to marry someone the family approves of, and nobody cares if the boy/girl want that same person for marriage. The families usually select a bride or groom for their child based on external factors like money and power connections. When somebody marries for love, they should be supported as well. Don’t live in dream world where AM bride/groom selection is based on factors like personality and good heart. Recommend

  • The Middleman
    Mar 11, 2015 - 5:28PM

    These points are very true which the author pointed out.

    Personally I favor a psuedo form of marriage between arranged and love. In this case scenario it involves both parents and their children. If only one side approves it will lead to some sense of failure – sure the rate of failure when it comes to the physical marriage bond itself is higher when children choose BUT the failures WITHIN marriage are higher in a parental choice at times which due to societal taboos doesn’t allow a break of the marriage bond itself – rather it forms what I call a ‘broken marriage’.

    IF both sides can agree to a party this is the best setup – parents shouldn’t just say yes and neither should children only say yes. BOTH sides should be comfortable and agree – only then will you find an appropriate solution. Initiation can be done by both sides but in the end everyone should agree. As marriage is an individual and familial bond – not one and not the other.Recommend

  • Stranger
    Mar 12, 2015 - 4:39PM

    @The realist:
    Sweety mine was an AM and I am now in my 20th year . AMs are not bonded marriages . No one is forcing any one to marry. Not all can have LMs you see. So its a way of introducing eligible young boys and girls . In many cases the boy and girl are given time alone to talk / go around / have some time together / share their thoughts . Both sides have the option of saying ‘No’. If LMs work, then fine . I am not begruding . After all said and done the final thing is all should be happy . Today even AMs too are having a rising divorce rate.Think of the children is all I can say .Recommend

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