Ask Asad: What should I do about my cheating husband?

Dear Asad,

I'm a mother of a one-year-old girl and I suspect my jobless husband is having an affair.

He has saved his girlfriend’s number with a guy’s name but the racy conversation between them makes it clear he's talking to a woman. I have screenshots saved with me as proof.

No one in his family is willing to help me and in fact, they blame me for his affair.

I just want to get away from him and live alone but I'm afraid he will take me to court for slander and get custody of my daughter if I file for divorce.

Please tell me what I should to do?

Wife of Cheating Husband

 

Dear Wife of Cheating Husband,

I'm sorry to hear about the unfortunate situation that you are in. Dealing with a cheating spouse is one of the hardest things that you can go through in life. Not only must it be emotionally tough being with a husband who is cheating on you but it also must be a harrowing experience to have his family blame you for it.

Ask Asad: Should I divorce my cruel husband after 16 years of marriage?

I had many unanswered questions in my mind when I read your letter and also when I was writing my response to it. I wish you had mentioned more details in your letter. That would have helped me better in advising you because everybody’s situation is unique and the more I know about it the better I am able to offer advice.

Using the details provided by you, I suggest:

Decide if you want to try to fix it

Once you start talking about the cheating, you have to make an important decision: do you think you can eventually forgive your husband and have a healthy relationship again, or do you just think there’s no chance it will ever work? It’s important to be honest with yourself and to think about whether or not your relationship is worth saving. The most important thing is to take the time and space you need to really reflect before making any rash decisions.

Confront your husband

Let your husband know what you're feeling. Tell him about the anger, the hurt, the betrayal, and the pain he has put your through. Don’t keep your guard up; let him really see your pain and to hear how you're feeling. Though you may feel shy or scared to reveal your true feelings, it’s important that you do so.

Listen to your spouse

Though you will be feeling hurt, overwhelmed, betrayed, angry, and any number of other emotions that you want to let out, it’s important to also sit and listen to your husband. You may feel as if hearing him out is the last thing you want to do, but if you want to get some clarity, then you have to hear his side of the story.

Seek marriage counselling

If possible then go for marriage counselling with your husband. It might be too hard for you and your husband to work through this process on your own, therefore seeking the help of a marriage counsellor would be beneficial. A marriage counsellor can help you to deal with your emotions and have more constructive conversations.

Seek support of loved ones

The pain of what you are going through will be much more manageable if you have the support and love of the people who care about you the most.

When you're dealing with a relationship crisis, it's crucial to lean on people who you trust. Seek support from close friends and family. Having the support of loved ones can help you feel that you have some control over your life and actions when the current situation may cause you to feel helpless and out of control.

Don’t take major steps before reflecting

Though you may think that you want to pack up your things and leave, you need to take more time to think this through. You can certainly spend some time away from your spouse, but avoid saying you want a divorce or taking any drastic measures right away. Give yourself time to reflect about what happened and what’s best for you and your relationship instead of doing something you may regret later.

Ask Asad: Am I unfit for marriage because I am fat?


Consider separation

Try to take stock of the situation and see if there is still a way to make this relationship work.

Perhaps separation could be an option. Give yourself some cooling-off time first. You should not decide to leave your husband in the heat of the moment, but after you have had some time to really think it over. Give yourself some mental space before you take any action. This can be difficult, but it might be helpful.

Don’t blame yourself

It's easy for people to start looking at themselves for reasons why their spouse cheated. Nothing good will come of that. Your husband’s reasons for cheating may not always be obvious, and you may feel that the natural thing to do is to blame yourself. But you need to know that nothing you do can ever cause your husband to cheat and you shouldn’t ever blame yourself for his mistakes. Your husband has broken your trust and violated your relationship. You are not responsible for your husband’s behaviour. Even if you feel you could have been a better wife, your husband still made the decision to cheat.

Don’t try to rationalise it

Though you may think that you'll be able to move forward if you can just find a logical explanation for why the cheating happened, such as the fact that your husband has been feeling powerless ever since he lost his job, or that the other woman came on to your husband so much that he couldn’t possibly resist, there’s no use in trying to make sense out of nonsense. Accept that you are hurt and that you need to find a way to move on, but don’t think that making excuses for your spouse is the way to get there.

What went through your spouse’s mind when he decided to cheat may defy logic. Don’t spend too much time trying to come up with a perfect reason for why it happened. Work on moving forward instead.

Don’t obsess over the other woman

If you want to drive yourself crazy as quickly as possible, then you can ask a million questions about the other woman, spend hours stalking her online, or even try to catch a glimpse of her in person. You may think that knowing everything about her can help you figure out what went wrong with your relationship, but in reality, this won’t give you any more answers, though it will cause you plenty of pain.

When a spouse is having an affair, it’s rarely about the third person. Unless that spouse thinks he’s truly started a meaningful relationship with a third party, most of the time, it’s really an expression of the cheater’s dissatisfaction with himself or the marriage. If you focus too much on the other woman, then you won’t be thinking about yourself.

Though knowing some things about the affair can bring you comfort, you may not want to know too much about what she looks like, what she does for a living, or any other details that are likely to distract you or to make you feel bad about yourself. It’s just not worth it.

Take care of yourself

When you're dealing with a cheating spouse, you may feel like your last priority is to take care of yourself. You may be too busy feeling a whirlwind of complicated emotions to think about things like eating three meals a day, exercising and making sure to get enough rest. To stay strong during this difficult time that is exactly what you have to do.

Start a new activity

Although it might seem peculiar to plunge into a new activity, you might need to do so. By filling your time with a new experience, you will be less likely to ruminate on your husband's cheating. Instead, you will have to use your physical and mental energy to master your new subject. You also are likely to meet some new people who will know you as you without your husband.

Get tested

As embarrassing as it may sound, but if you know that your husband has cheated on you by being in a physical relationship with someone else, you should get tested immediately. You don’t know what diseases the other woman might have had and you won’t know whether or not this was passed on to you. Getting tested is what you need to do to make sure you are safe.

Ask Asad: I am in an illicit relationship with my uncle’s wife – how do I end it?

Ending the relationship

Making the decision to leave your husband will be a life-changing experience. If you're trying to make this difficult decision, it's important to know that this is not a decision that should be taken lightly, and it's important to consider your current state as well as your future before you make a move.

Having said that, if you're convinced that divorce is the only, and the best, option then make sure you keep the evidence of your husband’s cheating safely; get a good lawyer with a winning track record specially in custody cases; don’t let anyone use your child as a bargaining chip; don’t worry about what others will think about your decision and most importantly, seek counselling to process the anger, sadness, and hurt you will experience.

This is definitely a trying time for you. I hope you are able to come out of it fine. My prayers are with you.

All the best!

Asad

Asad is a counsellor, life coach, inspirational speaker and a personal-development expert. He advises on social, personal and emotional issues. You can send him your questions for this weekly column at advice@tribune.com.pk with “Ask Asad” mentioned in the subject line and provide as many details as possible.

Note: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of The Express Tribune.