Ask Asad: Should I divorce my cruel husband after 16 years of marriage?

Dear Asad,

I have been married for 16 long years and have two beautiful children.

My husband belongs to that category of men who don’t believe in spending on their wives. I have been working for the past 10 years now to support myself even though we both live under the same roof. Sometimes, I have to buy something as basic as food for myself.

Recently, I fell seriously ill for the first time in life and the way my husband left me alone during this trying period made me realise I am nothing more than a convenience available to him.

After 16 years of marriage, I am considering divorce.



The only issue that's haunting me is the past. I have given my husband the best time of my life; my youth, my prime years.

I don’t know how to move forward or what to do? I don't know if I am making any sense but please if you can help me, I would be obliged.

Sincerely,

Confused Wife

Dear Confused Wife,

You are making perfect sense and what you are feeling is quite natural. So don’t worry about that.

To be honest with you, after reading your query I am in two minds about what to advise you. On one hand is your problem, which is genuine and requires that some serious action on your part must be taken. This action, according to you, should be divorce. This is understandable and given your situation it makes sense if you are contemplating it.



On the other hand, there is the absolute finality of divorce. Once taken, it cannot be undone. This is why I believe it should only ever be considered as a last resort and wherever possible couples should try to exhaust all other options first, such as marriage counselling, involvement of family elders, separation, a temporary break in a relationship, frank heart-to-heart communication, etc. Divorce should only be the last option.

Please do understand the grave and full consequences of a divorce. It’s something not to be taken lightly. That is why I am extremely hesitant when am asked about it, especially so when I have heard only one side of the story – in this case, with all due respect, I only know your version. I don’t know what your husband has to say about all this. I don’t know the full picture.

Also, as is in your case too, divorce usually just doesn’t affect the couple taking it but also many other people attached to their lives such as children, family, etc. It targets everyone and ends many other relationships too.

Therefore, before you take any step, fully understand the consequences a divorce will have on your children. They will immediately go from being part of a complete family to being part of a broken home. Consider this factor too please.

Having written above what I believe about divorce and how serious a thing it is, now I will answer your query.



Yes, you have given some of the best time of your life; your youth and your prime years to him in this marriage. But based on that, are you willing to sacrifice the rest of your years for a man who believes you are nothing more than a convenience available to him? Do you really believe that your best years are over? I don’t think so! True happiness, at whatever age we receive it, is always welcome and is what makes our time the best time of our life. For you hopefully that time is in the future.

If your husband didn’t buy you luxuries or took you on holidays, that would have been one thing. But when he is even unwilling to buy basic necessities for you such as food then what sort of a relationship is it? Does he believe that you are there only to take care of his needs and that of his household?

You are lucky or rather blessed in one sense. Most of the emails that I get from someone considering divorce usually have to do with the fear of the future – fear of the unknown.
You, on the other hand, have the fear of the past when you contemplate divorce. In this sense, I believe you are better off than the others because fear of the past – because it’s known – can be let go easier as compared with the fear of the future – which is unknown.  Past is the past. Happy or sad, it’s gone and will never ever come back. We can revisit it but we can’t change it. Let the past go! Let the unhappiness associated with it go! Move on with your life and try to get the happiness that you deserve, which you didn’t get in the past.

The way I see it there is no love in this relationship, from him. Neither is there care or warmth. There isn’t even basic security. You have been experiencing this daily for the past 16 years and recently experienced it in a big way when he left you uncared for during a serious illness. You are young and therefore recovered from your illness. What will happen when you are old and might suffer from an illness that (God-forbid) might be of a permanent nature? Who will look after you then? Him? I don’t think so!



I am sure you must have spoken to your husband many times about these issues. What does he say? What are his reasons? Does he not love you? Is he stingy by nature or is he stingy only with you? Does he also not spend on the children? Who does he expect to take care of you when you are ill? Who does he expect to take care of him if he falls ill? These are some of the questions, answers to which would have helped me better in answering your query.

Also what about your family members, such as your parents and in-laws? Have you tried involving them in making your husband see some sense in what he’s doing?

I can only point out the different aspects of this situation as I see them based on your email. In the end it’s only you who can take the right decision. May God help you in doing that!

All the best!

Asad

Asad is a counsellor, life coach, inspirational speaker and a personal-development expert. He advises on social, personal and emotional issues. You can send him your questions for this weekly column at [e-mail] with “Ask Asad” mentioned in the subject line and provide as many details as possible.

Note: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of The Express Tribune.