Ask Asad: I pay women for sex - how do I stop?
The first time I paid a sex worker was in 2014 when I broke up with my girlfriend
Hello Asad,
I hope you doing well.
I am a 24-year-old man and I want you to help me quit hiring prostitutes.
The first time I paid a sex worker was in 2014 when I broke up with my girlfriend. Since then, I have been spending most of my earnings on call girls. It is the first thing I do when I get my salary and this habit of mine has destroyed me as I am no longer able to financially support my family.
I tried getting married once but due to our economic situation – my siblings are still studying and need financial assistance – I did not pursue it further.
Please help me!
Ashamed Sex Buyer
Dear Ashamed Sex Buyer,
Reading your letter, I got the impression that the only reason you want to give up hiring prostitutes is because it’s causing you financial difficulties. Is that it? Is that really the only reason? If so, then it’s quite sad.
Ask Asad: I fell for a man from a different sect - how do I move on?
The real reason for leaving a habit should be because one believes it to be something bad and wrong – which one shouldn’t be doing in the first place – and that’s why one wants to leave it and repent. Leaving it because you believe it’s wrong will be far more effective in quitting it than trying to quit it only because it causes a big dent in your pocket.
I blame you and our society for your situation. You, because you have given in to the temptation of having sex before marriage. And our society because of its pretentious and hollow norms; it has made it difficult for many men and women to get married who don’t have enough money to pay for all the useless and unnecessary expenses wrongly associated with marriage. There are so many people who are of marriageable age but are unable to get married only because of the unrealistic costs of marriages. It’s us and our society who have burdened ourselves by taking a simple act like marriage and blowing it out of proportion with all the extra traditions, events, acts, etc. As expected this has led to causing a great financial burden on all involved.
I would advise you to get married. The reason you have given for not getting married, i.e. financial constraints, is a valid one but it’s not something that can’t be worked out.
Ask Asad: How can I marry after being sexually assaulted?
Why don’t you get married in a simple way? You don’t need to go for an ostentatious wedding in which you spend extravagantly. Do it simply. And look for a girl who is willing to accept a simple marriage and lead a simple life after getting married – at least for the time till your siblings finish their studies, get employed and don’t need your financial assistance anymore.
I do understand that you might have the wish and dream of having a great big wedding as is the wish and dream of the majority of people and you might also have the fear of being ridiculed or thought less of by your relatives and friends for getting married in a simple way but please believe me when I tell you this that it’s much better to get married in a simple way than hire prostitutes.
If you can’t get married, then try the following:
There are a few things about prostitution that you should understand. Having sex with prostitutes gives you instant gratification or pleasure that lasts for a few seconds or minutes but the negative effects of this act will most probably last you a lifetime, whether they be physical, emotional or spiritual effects.
Ask Asad: Should I divorce my cruel husband after 16 years of marriage?
Emotionally, when you have sex with a prostitute you are not having a happy or positive experience. There is no joy or fulfillment in it. It’s just a business deal where the other party acts as if they are crazy about you and you are the best thing that ever happened to them. They do this for money and have no real emotions for you. Having sex with a wife on the other hand involves love, joy, happiness and fulfillment. It gives you a feeling of being loved and cared that you can’t have with a prostitute.
Physically, using condoms during your interaction with prostitutes is not a foolproof way to stay safe. This is because prostitutes might be, actually usually are, silent carriers of different diseases that cannot be prevented by using condoms during sex. In fact, if you acquire any of these diseases such as Hepatitis C, CMV infection, HIV, etc. – through oral sex or even through kissing, i.e. basically through saliva, – they will stay with you for the rest of your life. You are only 24 years old now. Imagine living the rest of your life with a life-threatening disease which won’t go away no matter what you do.
Spiritually, not only is fornication a major sin but there is no barkat left in our life when we commit an act like that. And its negative effects on your life might not go away immediately as soon as you stop. They might last a long time. It depends on how sincere you are in your repentance with God.
Ask Asad: Should I marry a stranger just because my parents want me to?
Another factor to consider is your future wife! How fair are you being to your future wife when you have sex with prostitutes? When the time comes for you to get married you most probably will look for a simple girl who has looked after her chastity her entire life. You on the other hand have already had sexual encounters with multiple women. Basically you will want to marry someone who is everything you are not. Is that fair to her?
Unknowingly, your future wife will also have another challenge to deal with. When having sex with you, she will indirectly be competing with all the prostitutes that you have had sex with. You will be comparing and rating her performance in bed with that of all the prostitutes that you slept with. Poor her, she will be starting one of the most important journeys of her life with the odds already stacked against her. Basically she will be fighting a losing battle. And believe me, she will not be the only one who will be suffering because of this situation, you will too. In fact, you will suffer a lot more than her.
One very important thing: before you get married please get your complete medical checkup done to ensure that you are not suffering from any sexually transmitted diseases. And marry only if you are completely clean. You owe that much to your future wife.
Ask Asad: I am addicted to porn - how do I quit?
What has happened has happened. You can’t change it. You cannot reverse the things that you have done. But what you can do is try to make your present and your future a better one. Seek forgiveness with genuineness and let go of your indecent ways. No matter how much pleasure you get out of them, they are not worth the price (and I don’t mean just financially) they extract from you. I hope you understand.
All the best!
Asad
Asad is a counsellor, life coach, inspirational speaker and a personal-development expert. He advises on social, personal and emotional issues. You can send him your questions for this weekly column at advice@tribune.com.pk with “Ask Asad” mentioned in the subject line and provide as many details as possible.
Note: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of The Express Tribune.
I hope you doing well.
I am a 24-year-old man and I want you to help me quit hiring prostitutes.
The first time I paid a sex worker was in 2014 when I broke up with my girlfriend. Since then, I have been spending most of my earnings on call girls. It is the first thing I do when I get my salary and this habit of mine has destroyed me as I am no longer able to financially support my family.
I tried getting married once but due to our economic situation – my siblings are still studying and need financial assistance – I did not pursue it further.
Please help me!
Ashamed Sex Buyer
Dear Ashamed Sex Buyer,
Reading your letter, I got the impression that the only reason you want to give up hiring prostitutes is because it’s causing you financial difficulties. Is that it? Is that really the only reason? If so, then it’s quite sad.
Ask Asad: I fell for a man from a different sect - how do I move on?
The real reason for leaving a habit should be because one believes it to be something bad and wrong – which one shouldn’t be doing in the first place – and that’s why one wants to leave it and repent. Leaving it because you believe it’s wrong will be far more effective in quitting it than trying to quit it only because it causes a big dent in your pocket.
I blame you and our society for your situation. You, because you have given in to the temptation of having sex before marriage. And our society because of its pretentious and hollow norms; it has made it difficult for many men and women to get married who don’t have enough money to pay for all the useless and unnecessary expenses wrongly associated with marriage. There are so many people who are of marriageable age but are unable to get married only because of the unrealistic costs of marriages. It’s us and our society who have burdened ourselves by taking a simple act like marriage and blowing it out of proportion with all the extra traditions, events, acts, etc. As expected this has led to causing a great financial burden on all involved.
I would advise you to get married. The reason you have given for not getting married, i.e. financial constraints, is a valid one but it’s not something that can’t be worked out.
Ask Asad: How can I marry after being sexually assaulted?
Why don’t you get married in a simple way? You don’t need to go for an ostentatious wedding in which you spend extravagantly. Do it simply. And look for a girl who is willing to accept a simple marriage and lead a simple life after getting married – at least for the time till your siblings finish their studies, get employed and don’t need your financial assistance anymore.
I do understand that you might have the wish and dream of having a great big wedding as is the wish and dream of the majority of people and you might also have the fear of being ridiculed or thought less of by your relatives and friends for getting married in a simple way but please believe me when I tell you this that it’s much better to get married in a simple way than hire prostitutes.
If you can’t get married, then try the following:
- Be regular with your prayers and do it with the intention of becoming a better person.
- Fasting on a regular basis will help, if done with the pure intention of getting help in giving up bad habits.
- Try to keep in the company of pious people. They will be able to steer you away from bad habits.
There are a few things about prostitution that you should understand. Having sex with prostitutes gives you instant gratification or pleasure that lasts for a few seconds or minutes but the negative effects of this act will most probably last you a lifetime, whether they be physical, emotional or spiritual effects.
Ask Asad: Should I divorce my cruel husband after 16 years of marriage?
Emotionally, when you have sex with a prostitute you are not having a happy or positive experience. There is no joy or fulfillment in it. It’s just a business deal where the other party acts as if they are crazy about you and you are the best thing that ever happened to them. They do this for money and have no real emotions for you. Having sex with a wife on the other hand involves love, joy, happiness and fulfillment. It gives you a feeling of being loved and cared that you can’t have with a prostitute.
Physically, using condoms during your interaction with prostitutes is not a foolproof way to stay safe. This is because prostitutes might be, actually usually are, silent carriers of different diseases that cannot be prevented by using condoms during sex. In fact, if you acquire any of these diseases such as Hepatitis C, CMV infection, HIV, etc. – through oral sex or even through kissing, i.e. basically through saliva, – they will stay with you for the rest of your life. You are only 24 years old now. Imagine living the rest of your life with a life-threatening disease which won’t go away no matter what you do.
Spiritually, not only is fornication a major sin but there is no barkat left in our life when we commit an act like that. And its negative effects on your life might not go away immediately as soon as you stop. They might last a long time. It depends on how sincere you are in your repentance with God.
Ask Asad: Should I marry a stranger just because my parents want me to?
Another factor to consider is your future wife! How fair are you being to your future wife when you have sex with prostitutes? When the time comes for you to get married you most probably will look for a simple girl who has looked after her chastity her entire life. You on the other hand have already had sexual encounters with multiple women. Basically you will want to marry someone who is everything you are not. Is that fair to her?
Unknowingly, your future wife will also have another challenge to deal with. When having sex with you, she will indirectly be competing with all the prostitutes that you have had sex with. You will be comparing and rating her performance in bed with that of all the prostitutes that you slept with. Poor her, she will be starting one of the most important journeys of her life with the odds already stacked against her. Basically she will be fighting a losing battle. And believe me, she will not be the only one who will be suffering because of this situation, you will too. In fact, you will suffer a lot more than her.
One very important thing: before you get married please get your complete medical checkup done to ensure that you are not suffering from any sexually transmitted diseases. And marry only if you are completely clean. You owe that much to your future wife.
Ask Asad: I am addicted to porn - how do I quit?
What has happened has happened. You can’t change it. You cannot reverse the things that you have done. But what you can do is try to make your present and your future a better one. Seek forgiveness with genuineness and let go of your indecent ways. No matter how much pleasure you get out of them, they are not worth the price (and I don’t mean just financially) they extract from you. I hope you understand.
All the best!
Asad
Asad is a counsellor, life coach, inspirational speaker and a personal-development expert. He advises on social, personal and emotional issues. You can send him your questions for this weekly column at advice@tribune.com.pk with “Ask Asad” mentioned in the subject line and provide as many details as possible.
Note: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of The Express Tribune.