Don’t kidnap me. I'm not a liberal

I was corrupted by liberal values such as free speech and basic human dignity but I have realised that my desire to not be abducted is much stronger than my desire to speak my mind. I have finally seen the light and I now realise that there is no state in Pakistan but the ‘one true state’. I have even sold all my real estate as to not anger the state.

I would like to issue a full public apology for espousing liberal values. I fully realise that these apologies only work when they are issued by political leaders but it is still worth a shot. Maybe I should grow out my beard first before issuing this apology to give my words more meaning but then again Imran Khan is still alive so maybe it is not the beard that matters.



It was a mistake to walk out of Plato’s cave – the sun is a lie and I wish to run to the dark underworld. I fully believe the shadows I see are the complete reality and there is no reality beyond the one you show us.

Forget about civil liberties, I do not even want to protect Lahore’s Liberty Roundabout anymore. Please go ahead and build your Orange Line over any heritage site you want. Build a metro bus that runs through Badshahi Mosque. Who needs culture, history and breathable air when you can sit in a metal container to go serve the capitalist system each day?

I suddenly see the value in the government’s economic plan. I do not want to talk about all the farmers you are exploiting and all the land you are grabbing to make Pakistan a better product for your international friends. The only people affected by those are Pakistanis and we are the most dispensable people on earth. Success comes at a cost and as long as I am not paying the price I will start looking the other way.

Millions sacrificed themselves for the creation of this great nation – what are a few more thousand sacrifices to make this nation even greater? You can even say our new state policy is to make Pakistan great again, and I am now fully on board with this plan. I have even bought a big load of duct tape to shut my mouth every time I have an opinion.



Opinions are overrated anyway. They are not worth being kidnapped over. I do not know when my other stupid liberal friends will realise that. It is ironic that these people speak out for the basic human rights of oppressed communities and now they are the ones being denied those fundamental human rights. There is the flaw in the liberal plan – if they go missing, nobody will speak out for them because they were the ones fighting this lost cause.

I, for one, am a winner and I know a losing cause when I see one so I am jumping ship. I am not going down with this liberal Titanic. I will no longer read Habib Jalib against the text and truly believe that “Cheen apna yaar hai, us pe jaan nisaar hai”. I will even start loving all our leaders and write my own poetry – “Noon league apna yaar hai, us may Chaudhry Nisar hai”.

If you still do not believe in my loyalties I can even make cartoons on MS Paint to show you how much I love this nation. I will go on all Indian Facebook pages and abuse them for being Indian. I will not even appreciate how good a batsman Virat Kohli is anymore. Shahid Afridi has better technique than Virat Kohli.

Equality is a lie; the world is unequal. Liberalism is a lie; human rights have all left. All you have is yourself. Welcome to this Hobbesian nightmare.

In this dog-eat-dog-world, even the actual dogs are not safe. The holocaust of the dogs in Karachi’s DHA is just a rehearsal and now we are in the real Ender’s Game. You can either have an opinion or a life – at least you have the freedom to decide.



If I am to be kidnapped, remember me with these completely original uninspired words:

First they came for the dogs, and I did not speak out because I was not a dog (my ex -girlfriend disagrees)

Then they came for the minorities, and I did not speak out because I was privileged,

Then they came for the liberals, and I spoke out against liberals because I was a traitor,

Then they came for the human beings, and I got rid of my spine and became a prawn

Don’t kidnap me, I am a prawn

This article is a work of satire.