Lights, camera, traction!

It’s the launch of PSL — country’s first cricket tournament to feature international cricketers, which has to be...

KARACHI:

Camera flashes, red carpet, scurrying reporters, people without passes ringing up those who lie about knowing the event organisers to secure an entry into the venue.

It’s the launch of the Pakistan Super League — the country’s first cricket tournament to feature international cricketers, which has to be epic! Excitement is in the air as a limo pulls up, fans scream and the extremely well known chief guest steps out and walks up to the gate. Who is this young man? Pakistan’s most popular… singer. He walks past cricketers who are struggling to get inside and positions himself on one of the seats on the front table in the huddle of all the other celebrities.

I did that. That’s exactly what my job is. I am the PR manager of this singer and I get paid for making every event about him and his friends. Who watches cricket anyway?! But it’s not like the players weren’t invited, they were informed. We ensured their seats remain closer to the food counter at the back, just so that they get hold of their naan boti in time and leave.

Read: Pakistan Super League: Kevin Pietersen confirms participation in video message

As for celebrities, well they don’t exactly eat. They snort, I mean smell the food and satisfy their appetite so that they can stay skinny. Plus no celeb likes to eat with commoners. By commoners I mean you people who are reading this and the cricketers in the instant case. I heard some cricketers got angry because they weren’t allowed to enter the venue and also because none of them was considered good enough to be invited to the after party. Such attention seekers I tell you! They need to find their own scene.

I am sure the point is made by now. If you want to be a star in Pakistan, you need me. I will ensure you ‘entertain’ less producers, attend lame parties where you can play the social maven and get tons of pictures taken that get pasted on hip magazines on the very next day and satisfy your ego. And if you are actually talented then I will make it a point that even before you reach the age worthy enough for a tribute, several tributes are showered upon your insecure self by struggling singers who won’t just hum to your tunes but sway to them because who else can be a better dancer than a singer! Well, creativity has always been one of my strengths, as you can see.

I also happen to know all the eight people who decide the winners at these shows. They are my best buddies you see. We can just go out for a few din dins (dinner in the cool lingo you obviously wouldn’t know of) and you’ll have your award in no time. The first choices for awards and accolades are certainly our own friends. But that doesn’t mean we don’t carry out ‘pugum’ to decide the winners. Obviously ‘burger’ female singers who perform at private elitist events have a clear edge over those who studied music theory at Berkeley or are trained in Eastern classical.

And when all of that laborious work is done, we flock to places of some big stars and attend the mandatory after parties. We wear extra skimpy clothes, get wasted, hit on anything that moves, talk bad of the host and dance like there’s no tomorrow! The exclusivity and extravagance of these parties! Ah! They’re magical!

Essentially you will find four kinds of celebrities at these events: the mega stars, the mediocre ones who married the former to stay relevant, sleazy directors and producers (the “I’ll make you a star if you …” kind) and the have-been celebrities who are trying tooth and nail to remain afloat. So in a nutshell, “Hum karain tou after party, tum karo tou maila scene.”

You’d be interested to know that my next venture is going to be a funeral and I will once again make it all about my client, just to go the extra mile to validate my credentials further.

Published in The Express Tribune, October 11^th, 2015.

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