Surviving as a single parent

The trials and tribulations of being a single parent in Pakistan

As a specialist in child psychology, Dr Nargis Asad has much to say about children that hail from single-parent families. “If it is the mother raising them alone, her situation may take a psychological toll on the children as they might grow up feeling the absence of a father figure in their lives and vice versa,” she explains. “A child’s social circle, schooling and overall self-esteem are at risk within single-parent families.”

According to Dr Nargis, who works as an assistant professor of psychiatry at the Aga Khan University Hospital in Karachi, the typical Pakistani joint-family set-up can aggravate the effects on these children. “Joint-families offer the child substitute role models of both genders to look up to, such as grandparents or cousins. Despite this, surrogate guardians are not an ideal replacement for parents,” she adds.

But the children are not the only ones who suffer within the single-parent family. In a society that is ready with a disparaging comment or two upon a mere moment’s notice, it becomes extremely difficult for certain groups of people to escape the unwanted attention that comes their way. Since Pakistan still operates from a relatively conservative mindset, anything that goes beyond the norm of a nuclear family – i.e. father, mother and a child – is deemed ‘different’ and worthy of censure.

Under such circumstances, it is hardly surprisingly that being a single parent in our part of the world becomes all the more daunting for the parent in question. There is much debate over the children but minimal consideration is given to what their single parent might be going through whilst trying to provide for their offspring. “Loneliness is the predominant feeling, especially amongst single mothers,” says Dr Nargis. She attributes this to the fact that single mothers are less likely to remarry than their male counterparts, who are more respected and find new partners quickly. Nonetheless, research suggests that whichever of them chooses to remain single faces a multitude of other problems. In a nutshell, the exact situations might differ but both single mothers and fathers go through similar psychological processes whilst raising their families.

Dealing with cultural differences

In many countries, there exist social structures that support single parenting and offer financial assistance to those who are doing it. On the flip side, the lack of a joint-family system makes raising children even harder. Ayesha Rizwan, for instance, is a single mother who raised a daughter all alone in the US after divorcing her husband. She recently returned to Pakistan and although the child now attends university, Ayesha still feels a great cultural shift. “In America you have to do everything on your own, from cleaning to cooking to driving. There is a certain degree of independence in raising your child,” she explains. “And yet, having a support system really helps. I am staying with my brother and his family in Pakistan. Had it not been for their backing, it would have been really hard for me,” admits Ayesha.

Widowed or divorced: The great divide

Sad as it may be, there is a great disparity between how people regard single parents who lost their spouses and single parents who experienced a divorce. This disparity frequently manifests itself in society’s attitude towards single mothers in particular. In the case of Saba Shahid, a widower with two sons, people were very forgiving and as a result she didn’t have to deal with much negativity. “I haven’t had to face many problems in terms of my status as a single mother because my family has always been by my side,” shares Saba, who has been looking after her sons since her husband passed away in 2013. “They spoke on my behalf every time there was a need,” she adds.

The sole bread-earner

One of the main issues single parents across the world face is financial constraints, as they are the sole breadwinners of their family. “In a country like Pakistan, where jobs are hard to come by, money issues can be a real problem,” stresses Ayesha, who teaches kindergarten and Montessori level classes at a school near her home.  “I had to get a job to support my child and myself. I have to admit that having to deal with these things without a husband is pretty hard,” she adds.

Interestingly, the burden of financial instability isn’t restricted to single mothers. Many fathers in similar situations also worry about fulfilling their children’s needs and often have to work twice as hard for it. Adnan Kabir* is one such single father who works a full-time job, despite sharing custody with his former wife. “There is a system in place for taking care of the kids at home,” shares Adnan, adding that the convenience of his children is given top priority.

Putting the children first

According to research, single parents can also suffer from feelings of guilt for the lack of a proper father/mother figure in their children’s lives, leading to mental imbalances. In many cases, it is not just the reality of one’s own status as a single parent but the sheer responsibility they feel to fulfil the needs of their children and maintain their lifestyle.

For Ayesha, answering her daughter’s inquiries regarding her estranged father is always a point of contention. “I know her feelings are affected but so are mine,” confesses Ayesha. “I can feel lonely, especially when I see my sisters happily married or other women with their husbands. But still, I worry about the effect my divorce has had on my daughter more than anything else. There are lots of small challenges that have to be faced daily,” she adds.

Adnan has suffered as a single father too. According to him, some people assume that it’s easier for a man to be a single parent but this could not be further from the truth. Male parental figures are usually left figuring things out on their own too, much like single mothers. Since the easy option for most of them is to let their ex-wives take the children, there is no support system in place for single fathers to help cope with the stress.

Juggling two lives

Where mothers are considered to be the sole caretakers of the home, one can conclude that our social system is geared towards female control over the lives of the young ones - a fact Adnan is well aware of.  He points at how schools assume that a child’s mother will take care of their homework or joint studies plans with other kids. Not to mention, women can resort to social systems like ‘kitty parties’ to discuss their experiences and learn from one another while men are much more reluctant to open up with others. Besides schooling, there are the everyday issues of keeping the children fit and healthy – a pertinent issue when the single parent is raising a child of the different gender.

Saba, who leaves her kids with their grandparents while she is at work, does not believe that women are incapable of raising children alone, even when they have to work. “It is actually easier for us because women can both work and emotionally connect with their children,” she says. “Most fathers concentrate more on financials factors and lack a woman’s natural nurturing capabilities.”

Making it through

As a single parent, Saba stresses the importance of time given to one’s children. “Even though our expenses have risen and things are steadily becoming less affordable, parents need to start concentrating on spending quality time with their children instead of working all the time,” she suggests. Full and part-time nannies are available to take care of children but these services can be costly and destroy the bond between the children and parents. General advice includes patience and control over anger, making sure to not use children as a ploy in troubled marriages.

We must also realise that even a family with both the parents present is not always a happy one. Dr Nargis explains how some families with both parents are actually quite dysfunctional, disrupting the lives of the children and parents alike. In such a situation, it might be better for the parents to separate and the children to be raised by one of them. Sometimes thwe parent might find it hard to remove doubt or mistrust from other relationships following a bad breakup but as Dr Nargis professes, focusing on positive parenting is important.

In this day and age, where children can easily be humoured by something as trivial as an electronic gadget, it is imperative for us to nurture their self-esteem and make them feel loved. Because parents have a natural, biological connection with their children, they should act upon this connection whilst accepting themselves as humans. It is crucial for single parents in particular to forgive themselves for any mistake they might have made and remember there are others out there, struggling to figure things out too.

*Name has been changed to protect privacy.

Anum Shaharyar is a freelance writer. She is currently pursuing a Master’s degree in Mass Communication.

Published in The Express Tribune, Ms T, August 30^th, 2015.