Workplace matters: The over-sharing boss
My boss, who is not much older than me, makes me uncomfortable by telling me far too much about her personal life.
My boss, who is not much older than me, makes me uncomfortable by telling me far too much about her personal life. A big part of my day is spent listening to her troubles with her husband, her maid and her baby. I don’t have any choice but to listen because she’s my boss though obviously I would never reciprocate and confide in her. I feel used — being a personal therapist isn’t part of my job description so why should I be bound to do it? Can I put a stop to this without hurting my boss’ feelings and jeopardising my career? Or am I doomed to play my boss’s therapist?
Uncomfortable employee
This is a classic case of ‘boundary management’ or at least the lack of it. When your boss first began to confide in you, you were probably flattered to be considered her confidante which is perfectly understandable. Now that the confidences have grown, you feel the need to assert boundaries. This situation can arise in any relationship but when it involves the boss, it gets complicated.
First, assess how much this is worrying you. Remember, if you bluntly bring up this issue with your boss, you are likely to hurt her feelings and, by extension, your career. In the long run, you might have to face more than a little over-sharing from the different people you’ll likely work with, so as a first step, try not to let this bother you so much, and respond to your boss’ sharing with cheerful indifference — much as she likely expects you to.
However, if you feel that you really must out a stop to it, remember that you can’t make your boss change her behaviour overnight; you have to discourage her through subtle hints that get the message across over time without ever offending her. One strategy could be to listen but not respond. Instead, change the subject to a work-related issue. After you have done this a few times, your boss will probably be less inclined to share with you.
If you want to be more aggressive still, you could listen to her the next time she starts to share and then politely let her know that this discussion makes you feel uncomfortable. Ask her if she could consult with any of her other friends who are in similar situations, are closer to her age or who can otherwise relate to her problem as your inexperience is not very helpful. Follow up the conversation with chit-chat so that she doesn’t feel snubbed. You are looking to preserve the ‘professional’ part of the relationship while seeking to distance yourself from the role of a therapist.
The critical thing to remember is this: when you start to draw the line around your relationship, her ego will be hurt. How prepared are you to deal with the fall out to that? Once you’ve answered that question, you’ll know how best to deal with your problem.
Published in The Express Tribune, December 19th, 2010.
Uncomfortable employee
This is a classic case of ‘boundary management’ or at least the lack of it. When your boss first began to confide in you, you were probably flattered to be considered her confidante which is perfectly understandable. Now that the confidences have grown, you feel the need to assert boundaries. This situation can arise in any relationship but when it involves the boss, it gets complicated.
First, assess how much this is worrying you. Remember, if you bluntly bring up this issue with your boss, you are likely to hurt her feelings and, by extension, your career. In the long run, you might have to face more than a little over-sharing from the different people you’ll likely work with, so as a first step, try not to let this bother you so much, and respond to your boss’ sharing with cheerful indifference — much as she likely expects you to.
However, if you feel that you really must out a stop to it, remember that you can’t make your boss change her behaviour overnight; you have to discourage her through subtle hints that get the message across over time without ever offending her. One strategy could be to listen but not respond. Instead, change the subject to a work-related issue. After you have done this a few times, your boss will probably be less inclined to share with you.
If you want to be more aggressive still, you could listen to her the next time she starts to share and then politely let her know that this discussion makes you feel uncomfortable. Ask her if she could consult with any of her other friends who are in similar situations, are closer to her age or who can otherwise relate to her problem as your inexperience is not very helpful. Follow up the conversation with chit-chat so that she doesn’t feel snubbed. You are looking to preserve the ‘professional’ part of the relationship while seeking to distance yourself from the role of a therapist.
The critical thing to remember is this: when you start to draw the line around your relationship, her ego will be hurt. How prepared are you to deal with the fall out to that? Once you’ve answered that question, you’ll know how best to deal with your problem.
Published in The Express Tribune, December 19th, 2010.