Say what you mean, mean what you say

If everyone misunderstands you then the chances of you giving the wrong message are pretty high

Have you noticed that sometimes what you say is completely different from what others understand? You think you are being very positive, clear and specific about what you are saying but somehow you manage to upset and enrage the other person.

The problem is that most people don’t ask what you meant and our false ego gets in the way of doing the ‘right’ thing, which is to ask for a clarification or explanation of whatever has been said. Instead, people come up with their own conclusions regarding what someone said to them. The core reason why most relationships, whether personal or work related, fall apart, is through misunderstandings.

Employer and employee dynamics often suffer because instead of hearing what the employer says, the employee tries to read between the lines. If the employer gets angry one too many times, the employee presumes he is about to be fired. This leads to panic and eventually he gets fired for making blunders, or worse, he resigns so that he doesn’t have to deal with the humiliation of being fired. Quite often this is not because it was pre-planned but instead, because of his misconduct and reactive behaviour. Honestly, if your boss wants to fire you, he will and not come up with schemes to fire an employee.

We start projecting our internal complexes on to situations. If a discussion on working women being way too busy comes up, a working mother involved in this discussion gets angry because she feels that she is being attacked for not being an involved parent but that’s not the case.

Actions speak louder than words. But actions are judged by intentions and the problem is who can physically see our intentions?

Parents work hard every day to give their children a bright future. That means they have less time than a stay-at-home parent. Kids in these situations might think their parents don’t love them and start misbehaving. Parents interpret their kids’ behaviour as disobedience, teen hormones, problems of the growing stage, etc. The never-ending cycle of parent-child disagreements and sulking continues… Wouldn’t it be easier to communicate and just apologise?

Miscommunication is common when people interact through writing, such as text messages, emails and more recently, through the social media. It is almost impossible to gauge a person’s tone, mood and frame of mind by merely reading what has been written. People either immediately react negatively or they over-analyse what they have read until they drive themselves completely nuts. It’s better to say whatever you have to say in person, especially if it’s important.

The main reason for lack of communication is that we tend to induce fear in our children, domestic staff and even spouses without realising it, either by getting irritated when asked a question or by being vague and irritable. This kind of negative reinforcement leads them to lie, retract and misunderstand our actions.

The only entity that can judge us fairly and on the basis of intentions is God. So why not try to be more clear, precise and kind so that there is no confusion or misunderstanding? Modifying one’s own behaviour is always easier than trying to modify the world. If everyone misunderstands you or people keep getting upset with you, then the chances of you giving the wrong message are pretty high.

Published in The Express Tribune, March  30^th,  2015.

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