Coping with an empty nest
How to avoid becoming an empty nester when your child flies the coop
When 52-year-old Neelofar Qasim* dropped off her youngest daughter Aliza to college, she never expected to be reduced to tears. “My first and second born were educated abroad too but somehow, that didn’t quite prepare me for Aliza’s departure.” On the eve of Aliza’s orientation ceremony, Neelofar found herself sobbing in a corner outside the reception hall. “At that moment, it suddenly dawned on me that my little baby girl would be 13,000 miles away from me,” she says. “Of course, Aliza was extremely embarrassed by my behaviour but I couldn’t stop! The thought of her living in a new country with new people made me nauseous!”
And now — nearly a year after Aliza began college — Neelofar is only slightly better. “While I was with Aliza, I assumed things would feel better once I returned to Pakistan but I was wrong,” says Neelofar. “Worrying about your child and missing them never leaves you. My heart is still in America, where Aliza will be for the next three years at least.”
Much like Neelofar, 40-year-old Zainab Kazmi* already shudders at the possibility that her daughter Zuha might be moving away for college next year. “I have always been a very private person and ever since my husband passed away, my children have been my life,” shares Zainab. “My older daughter Zara got married two years ago, leaving me all alone with Zuha. Now Zuha has completed her AS-Level and wants to apply to foreign universities. She’s a gifted student so I try as I might, I would never stop her from leaving.”
Unfortunately, Neelofar and Zainab are amongst millions of parents across the world who face what once seemed inconceivable to them — their child flying the coop and leaving them alone in a big, empty house. “After spending 18 or 19 years of one’s life catering to a child and that child suddenly leaving creates a void, not just in your house but your heart,” says Neelofar. This feeling of sadness, ennui and lack of structure which stems from a child’s coming of age and leaving home is known as the empty nest syndrome. Parents in such situations often experience an inner conundrum wherein they are happy about their children’s improved career opportunities but also slightly resentful because of having to live without them. Typically, women are more likely to be affected than men as many of them are undergoing other significant life events while they are coping with other major changes, such as menopause.
While this apprehension felt by both Neelofar and Zainab can be attributed to separation anxiety and maternal love, it is obvious that there is a certain degree of fear attached to it as well. “I must say I am not fearful something might happen to Aliza but to me,” shares Neelofar. “There is a strange dread in my heart all the time. I fear being home alone but want to come back when I am out. All I really want to do is Skype with my daughter. Even my husband is of no help!”
Of course, it isn’t just parents whose children leave for college suffer from depression when their teenagers leave home. Another classic manifestation of the empty nest syndrome occurs when a son or daughter gets married and their focus shifts from parents to spouses inevitably. 52-year-old Sadia Mumtaz* has been feeling down ever since her son Jamil got married and moved out last month to live independently with his wife. “My husband still has a couple of more years of employment so I am home alone most of the time,” says Sadia. “The pain of not having Jamil around is excruciating, especially since we parted on bad terms.” Although it hasn’t been too long since Jamil left, Sadia has already resorted to anti-depressants to curb her temperament. “As my husband has to travel frequently, it used to be Jamil and me in the house,” shares Sadia. “We ate and watched TV together. My life feels so purposeless now that he’s gone. Before, it revolved around him completely.” This form of empty nest withdrawals is exacerbated in situations wherein the parents are dependent on the child financially or when the parents have entered old-age and are unable to fend for themselves, financially or otherwise. Not to mention, being left alone at a time when you are physically and emotionally incapable of looking after yourself will only make things worse.
The empty nest syndrome isn’t just a problem for the elderly or those nearing the late stages of their lives. Many young parents go through a mild form of it during their lives, such as when their toddler starts school. “You can’t imagine how bad Zaviar’s first day at school was — not for him, but for me! I cried when I had to leave him there,” says 24-year-old mother Zahabiya Karim* of her son’s first complete school day. “I felt bad that he didn’t even ask me to stop once and I felt worse when his teacher informed me he had made many friends and enjoyed his day. It made me realise how quickly children grow up!”
Zahabiya’s reaction is not unusual as many parents experience separation anxiety when their child has been away for a few hours. As time passes and the child grows older, the anxiety also increases and manifests itself in the form of well-intentioned attempts to control the child. Unfortunately, excessive telephone calls and worrying tends to take a toll on the relationship between the parent and the child. Such is the case of 16-year-old Sidra Farooque* who feels her mother is too paranoid. “I get that it isn’t safe for girls to be out late and all that. I also understand that mummy is very attached to me as I was conceived after seven years of trying,” says Sidra. “But she gets upset every time I am out with my friends! Last time I went to the beach, she called me six times and when my signals died, she began calling my friends and their parents! It was so embarrassing!”
Although it drives Sidra crazy, the frequent calling may simply be her mother’s mantra to keep from paranoia. Anecdotal evidence suggests that this may be the most practical way for parents suffering from empty nest syndrome to alleviate their stress, albeit for a short time. In today’s world where the internet and communication technology has rendered geographic distance virtually immaterial, many parents try talking to their children as much as possible. Online communication platforms like Skype, Viber and WhatsApp also make way for bonds that would otherwise be impossible to develop, such as when a child starts a family in another city.
Another great method of keeping separation anxiety at bay would be to acquire a job or indulge in social work — anything that keeps you busy and gives a sense of purpose. “When I first moved to London, my mother, Nayab* would be alone at home after my dad went to work,” says 27-year-old Saad Qayyum*. “The highlight of her day was video-chatting with me and my baby.” Sadly, things soon took a turn for the worse as Nayab began skipping meals and developing random aches every time Saad missed a daily chat. “She was becoming unhealthy so I asked her to visit local charity institutions and help out there. Working with the children there really made a difference!”
As with any other psychological issue, it is advisable to seek professional assistance before turning to self-medication. Unfortunately, visiting a psychologist in Pakistan is considered to be something for the mentally unstable which prevents many empty nesters from getting the support they need. Instead of developing a potentially lethal addiction to anti-depressants or sleeping aids, it is better to consult a mental health specialist who can understand the predicament and recommend the best course of action.
*Names have been changed to protect privacy.
Books to help you cope with empty nest syndrome
Want to keep yourself busy and take your mind off warrying thoughts? Curl up in bed with these books written specifically for empty nesters like you. We promise you won’t regret it!
• The Empty Nest Chronicles: How to Have Fun (And Stop Annoying Your Spouse) After the Kids Move Out by Jerry Zezima: In this hilarious and heart-warming read, Jerry Zezima guides you through the process of your child’s departure and makes you recall your life was before you became a parent. The book is highly relatable and encourages you to ask yourself ‘Am I having fun yet?’
• The Empty Nest by Fiona Palmer: A beautiful short story about maternal love and importance of family, this book is likely to make you tear up! Take inspiration from Sandi, the protagonist of the story, and how she redefines her purposeless after her children are sent to boarding school.
Help your parents deal with your departure
Here are some easy ways for children to help their parents through empty nest syndrome.
• Let them know you still need them: You may feel like a grown up and responsible enough to look after yourself but for your parents, you will always remain a baby and they will never stop worrying about you. Therefore, keep your parents involved in your personal life and seek their advice before making major decisions to make them feel they are still just as important to you as before.
• Don’t forget about them: When you are living alone, there are a thousand things you must take care of, from your own cooking and laundry to studying, etc. In this hustle-bustle, you may forget to call your parents which might seem like no big deal to you but can depress a lonely parent further. Therefore, it is important for children to call their parents at least once or twice a week. If you can’t call frequently, a quick text message or email will also suffice, so long as you don’t make your parents feel forgotten.
• Visit them on special occasions: Some occasions like Eid and anniversaries are meant to be spent with family. Try and plan you visits around important festivals so that your parents can share the happiness and enjoyment for you!
• Tell them you love them: Don’t hesitate to let your parents know that you miss and love them. They will need the reassurance from time to time.
• Don’t be embarrassed by their actions: Remember that parents are people too. They might call you unnecessarily or take up strange activities in your absence but you must be patient with them and encourage them to go on, so long as they keep themselves busy.
Published in The Express Tribune, Ms T, November 2nd, 2014
And now — nearly a year after Aliza began college — Neelofar is only slightly better. “While I was with Aliza, I assumed things would feel better once I returned to Pakistan but I was wrong,” says Neelofar. “Worrying about your child and missing them never leaves you. My heart is still in America, where Aliza will be for the next three years at least.”
Much like Neelofar, 40-year-old Zainab Kazmi* already shudders at the possibility that her daughter Zuha might be moving away for college next year. “I have always been a very private person and ever since my husband passed away, my children have been my life,” shares Zainab. “My older daughter Zara got married two years ago, leaving me all alone with Zuha. Now Zuha has completed her AS-Level and wants to apply to foreign universities. She’s a gifted student so I try as I might, I would never stop her from leaving.”
Unfortunately, Neelofar and Zainab are amongst millions of parents across the world who face what once seemed inconceivable to them — their child flying the coop and leaving them alone in a big, empty house. “After spending 18 or 19 years of one’s life catering to a child and that child suddenly leaving creates a void, not just in your house but your heart,” says Neelofar. This feeling of sadness, ennui and lack of structure which stems from a child’s coming of age and leaving home is known as the empty nest syndrome. Parents in such situations often experience an inner conundrum wherein they are happy about their children’s improved career opportunities but also slightly resentful because of having to live without them. Typically, women are more likely to be affected than men as many of them are undergoing other significant life events while they are coping with other major changes, such as menopause.
While this apprehension felt by both Neelofar and Zainab can be attributed to separation anxiety and maternal love, it is obvious that there is a certain degree of fear attached to it as well. “I must say I am not fearful something might happen to Aliza but to me,” shares Neelofar. “There is a strange dread in my heart all the time. I fear being home alone but want to come back when I am out. All I really want to do is Skype with my daughter. Even my husband is of no help!”
Of course, it isn’t just parents whose children leave for college suffer from depression when their teenagers leave home. Another classic manifestation of the empty nest syndrome occurs when a son or daughter gets married and their focus shifts from parents to spouses inevitably. 52-year-old Sadia Mumtaz* has been feeling down ever since her son Jamil got married and moved out last month to live independently with his wife. “My husband still has a couple of more years of employment so I am home alone most of the time,” says Sadia. “The pain of not having Jamil around is excruciating, especially since we parted on bad terms.” Although it hasn’t been too long since Jamil left, Sadia has already resorted to anti-depressants to curb her temperament. “As my husband has to travel frequently, it used to be Jamil and me in the house,” shares Sadia. “We ate and watched TV together. My life feels so purposeless now that he’s gone. Before, it revolved around him completely.” This form of empty nest withdrawals is exacerbated in situations wherein the parents are dependent on the child financially or when the parents have entered old-age and are unable to fend for themselves, financially or otherwise. Not to mention, being left alone at a time when you are physically and emotionally incapable of looking after yourself will only make things worse.
The empty nest syndrome isn’t just a problem for the elderly or those nearing the late stages of their lives. Many young parents go through a mild form of it during their lives, such as when their toddler starts school. “You can’t imagine how bad Zaviar’s first day at school was — not for him, but for me! I cried when I had to leave him there,” says 24-year-old mother Zahabiya Karim* of her son’s first complete school day. “I felt bad that he didn’t even ask me to stop once and I felt worse when his teacher informed me he had made many friends and enjoyed his day. It made me realise how quickly children grow up!”
Zahabiya’s reaction is not unusual as many parents experience separation anxiety when their child has been away for a few hours. As time passes and the child grows older, the anxiety also increases and manifests itself in the form of well-intentioned attempts to control the child. Unfortunately, excessive telephone calls and worrying tends to take a toll on the relationship between the parent and the child. Such is the case of 16-year-old Sidra Farooque* who feels her mother is too paranoid. “I get that it isn’t safe for girls to be out late and all that. I also understand that mummy is very attached to me as I was conceived after seven years of trying,” says Sidra. “But she gets upset every time I am out with my friends! Last time I went to the beach, she called me six times and when my signals died, she began calling my friends and their parents! It was so embarrassing!”
Although it drives Sidra crazy, the frequent calling may simply be her mother’s mantra to keep from paranoia. Anecdotal evidence suggests that this may be the most practical way for parents suffering from empty nest syndrome to alleviate their stress, albeit for a short time. In today’s world where the internet and communication technology has rendered geographic distance virtually immaterial, many parents try talking to their children as much as possible. Online communication platforms like Skype, Viber and WhatsApp also make way for bonds that would otherwise be impossible to develop, such as when a child starts a family in another city.
Another great method of keeping separation anxiety at bay would be to acquire a job or indulge in social work — anything that keeps you busy and gives a sense of purpose. “When I first moved to London, my mother, Nayab* would be alone at home after my dad went to work,” says 27-year-old Saad Qayyum*. “The highlight of her day was video-chatting with me and my baby.” Sadly, things soon took a turn for the worse as Nayab began skipping meals and developing random aches every time Saad missed a daily chat. “She was becoming unhealthy so I asked her to visit local charity institutions and help out there. Working with the children there really made a difference!”
As with any other psychological issue, it is advisable to seek professional assistance before turning to self-medication. Unfortunately, visiting a psychologist in Pakistan is considered to be something for the mentally unstable which prevents many empty nesters from getting the support they need. Instead of developing a potentially lethal addiction to anti-depressants or sleeping aids, it is better to consult a mental health specialist who can understand the predicament and recommend the best course of action.
*Names have been changed to protect privacy.
Books to help you cope with empty nest syndrome
Want to keep yourself busy and take your mind off warrying thoughts? Curl up in bed with these books written specifically for empty nesters like you. We promise you won’t regret it!
• The Empty Nest Chronicles: How to Have Fun (And Stop Annoying Your Spouse) After the Kids Move Out by Jerry Zezima: In this hilarious and heart-warming read, Jerry Zezima guides you through the process of your child’s departure and makes you recall your life was before you became a parent. The book is highly relatable and encourages you to ask yourself ‘Am I having fun yet?’
• The Empty Nest by Fiona Palmer: A beautiful short story about maternal love and importance of family, this book is likely to make you tear up! Take inspiration from Sandi, the protagonist of the story, and how she redefines her purposeless after her children are sent to boarding school.
Help your parents deal with your departure
Here are some easy ways for children to help their parents through empty nest syndrome.
• Let them know you still need them: You may feel like a grown up and responsible enough to look after yourself but for your parents, you will always remain a baby and they will never stop worrying about you. Therefore, keep your parents involved in your personal life and seek their advice before making major decisions to make them feel they are still just as important to you as before.
• Don’t forget about them: When you are living alone, there are a thousand things you must take care of, from your own cooking and laundry to studying, etc. In this hustle-bustle, you may forget to call your parents which might seem like no big deal to you but can depress a lonely parent further. Therefore, it is important for children to call their parents at least once or twice a week. If you can’t call frequently, a quick text message or email will also suffice, so long as you don’t make your parents feel forgotten.
• Visit them on special occasions: Some occasions like Eid and anniversaries are meant to be spent with family. Try and plan you visits around important festivals so that your parents can share the happiness and enjoyment for you!
• Tell them you love them: Don’t hesitate to let your parents know that you miss and love them. They will need the reassurance from time to time.
• Don’t be embarrassed by their actions: Remember that parents are people too. They might call you unnecessarily or take up strange activities in your absence but you must be patient with them and encourage them to go on, so long as they keep themselves busy.
Published in The Express Tribune, Ms T, November 2nd, 2014