Headlines etc
Musharraf government behind BB murder: New York, April 15:
A commission investigating the assassination of Pakistan’s ex- Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto held the government of former President Pervez Musharraf responsible for the murder, saying the security provided to her during her last election campaign had been ‘inadequate’. Interior minister Rehman Malik, in charge of her security at the time it lapsed, along with other members of the establishment, nodded sadly at the report pointing out security provided to the slain Mohtarma had been less than that provided to other candidates. An aide to the once popular Pakistani leader, now in exile, immediately denounced the commission’s findings as ‘a pack of lies’.
Musharraf government behind spending of RS117 million of taxpayers’ money on VIP security in Sindh every month: Karachi, April 16:
Politicians and bureaucrats interviewed by a reporter investigating spending such an astronomical sum on protecting people who probably aren’t worth it, held the government of former President Pervez Musharraf responsible for the allocation, saying ‘he started it!’. An aide to the once popular Pakistani leader, now in exile, immediately denounced the representatives’ statements as ‘a pack of lies’.
Musharraf government behind blast at Quetta hospital: Quetta, April 17:
An inquiry into the tragic incident in which eight people were killed when extremists struck a hospital where members of a particular sect had gathered to mourn, held the government of former President Pervez Musharraf responsible for the explosion. “If he hadn’t made it illegal for us to openly name the sects behind the sectarian violence in our country”, one police officer said to the press, “we wouldn’t have such a hard time distinguishing between investigative skills and a pancreas now would we?” An aide to the once popular Pakistani leader, now in exile, immediately denounced the investigation’s findings as ‘a pack of lies’.
Musharraf government behind accidental army air strike in Khyber Agency: Peshawar, April 18:
In an unprecedented move the ISPR today, sharing the findings of an inquiry into the strike on a ‘friendly’ village last week that killed 72 civilians, held the government of former President Pervez Musharraf responsible for the tragedy. “Our ex commander in chief once brushed against their storage cases as he did a photo-op in an arms depot”, said the spokesman as he read from a brief, “we have reason to believe that is why these particular missiles were misguided”. An aide to the once popular Pakistani leader, now in exile, immediately denounced the inquiry’s findings as ‘a pack of lies’.
Musharraf government behind drying up of aid for IDPs in the northern areas: Peshawar, April 19:
A spokesman for a relief agency caring for people displaced by ongoing army operations in Pakistan’s northern areas, pointing out that only 20 per cent of the $550 million needed this year had been pledged, held the government of former President Pervez Musharraf responsible for donors’ lukewarm contributions. “If he hadn’t been so good at leveraging our importance in the international game and arm twisting people into giving us money”, she said on condition of anonymity because her own NGO employer was downsizing and eager to find reasons to fire people, “PM Gilani wouldn’t have preemptively thrown in the towel about addressing the human cost of this war and decide to trot around the globe trying to sell people nuclear fuel instead”. An aide to the once popular Pakistani leader, now in exile, immediately denounced the humanitarian aid worker’s comments as ‘a pack of lies’.
Musharraf government behind reigning champions ignominious exit in T20 world cup: Guyana, May 8:
Talking to a hostile crowd of reporters and former fans after the Pakistani team suffered a shock defeat at the hands of 11 little girls who generally don’t play cricket because it makes their dresses dirty, captain Shahid Afridi held the government of former President Pervez Musharraf responsible for the debacle. “Our batsmen first lost heart when it became clear he preferred golf”, Afridi said, “How do you recover from something like that?” An aide to the once popular Pakistani leader, now in exile, immediately denounced the captain’s explanation as ‘a pack of lies’.
He then went on to say ‘WTF is wrong with everyone!’
But the papers the next day didn’t carry that quote because, here in Pakistan, we continue to stand by our rather literal interpretations of events.
Shandana Minhas
A commission investigating the assassination of Pakistan’s ex- Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto held the government of former President Pervez Musharraf responsible for the murder, saying the security provided to her during her last election campaign had been ‘inadequate’. Interior minister Rehman Malik, in charge of her security at the time it lapsed, along with other members of the establishment, nodded sadly at the report pointing out security provided to the slain Mohtarma had been less than that provided to other candidates. An aide to the once popular Pakistani leader, now in exile, immediately denounced the commission’s findings as ‘a pack of lies’.
Musharraf government behind spending of RS117 million of taxpayers’ money on VIP security in Sindh every month: Karachi, April 16:
Politicians and bureaucrats interviewed by a reporter investigating spending such an astronomical sum on protecting people who probably aren’t worth it, held the government of former President Pervez Musharraf responsible for the allocation, saying ‘he started it!’. An aide to the once popular Pakistani leader, now in exile, immediately denounced the representatives’ statements as ‘a pack of lies’.
Musharraf government behind blast at Quetta hospital: Quetta, April 17:
An inquiry into the tragic incident in which eight people were killed when extremists struck a hospital where members of a particular sect had gathered to mourn, held the government of former President Pervez Musharraf responsible for the explosion. “If he hadn’t made it illegal for us to openly name the sects behind the sectarian violence in our country”, one police officer said to the press, “we wouldn’t have such a hard time distinguishing between investigative skills and a pancreas now would we?” An aide to the once popular Pakistani leader, now in exile, immediately denounced the investigation’s findings as ‘a pack of lies’.
Musharraf government behind accidental army air strike in Khyber Agency: Peshawar, April 18:
In an unprecedented move the ISPR today, sharing the findings of an inquiry into the strike on a ‘friendly’ village last week that killed 72 civilians, held the government of former President Pervez Musharraf responsible for the tragedy. “Our ex commander in chief once brushed against their storage cases as he did a photo-op in an arms depot”, said the spokesman as he read from a brief, “we have reason to believe that is why these particular missiles were misguided”. An aide to the once popular Pakistani leader, now in exile, immediately denounced the inquiry’s findings as ‘a pack of lies’.
Musharraf government behind drying up of aid for IDPs in the northern areas: Peshawar, April 19:
A spokesman for a relief agency caring for people displaced by ongoing army operations in Pakistan’s northern areas, pointing out that only 20 per cent of the $550 million needed this year had been pledged, held the government of former President Pervez Musharraf responsible for donors’ lukewarm contributions. “If he hadn’t been so good at leveraging our importance in the international game and arm twisting people into giving us money”, she said on condition of anonymity because her own NGO employer was downsizing and eager to find reasons to fire people, “PM Gilani wouldn’t have preemptively thrown in the towel about addressing the human cost of this war and decide to trot around the globe trying to sell people nuclear fuel instead”. An aide to the once popular Pakistani leader, now in exile, immediately denounced the humanitarian aid worker’s comments as ‘a pack of lies’.
Musharraf government behind reigning champions ignominious exit in T20 world cup: Guyana, May 8:
Talking to a hostile crowd of reporters and former fans after the Pakistani team suffered a shock defeat at the hands of 11 little girls who generally don’t play cricket because it makes their dresses dirty, captain Shahid Afridi held the government of former President Pervez Musharraf responsible for the debacle. “Our batsmen first lost heart when it became clear he preferred golf”, Afridi said, “How do you recover from something like that?” An aide to the once popular Pakistani leader, now in exile, immediately denounced the captain’s explanation as ‘a pack of lies’.
He then went on to say ‘WTF is wrong with everyone!’
But the papers the next day didn’t carry that quote because, here in Pakistan, we continue to stand by our rather literal interpretations of events.
Shandana Minhas