The ridiculous rush for rishtas
Is obtaining a decent rishta the be all end all for girls in Pakistan?
When I was 16, all I wanted was to be married by 18 and live happily ever after. Mind you, I hail from a family where most adult couples, including my own parents, divorced soon after they were married. Nonetheless, I always assumed that my Prince Charming was somewhere out there. I imagined he would magically manifest himself upon my 18th birthday, show up before my window on a shiny white horse and we would ride off into the sunset. Yes, even at 16, I hadn’t really given up on the Disney fairytale my life would be.
Fast forward to 21 and I am about as lost as I was back then. In fact, it is even worse now except that instead of Prince Charming, it is his not-so-charming mother who keeps showing up everywhere and so it has been since the day I graduated to university. But naive as I was, I thought I wouldn’t have to deal with Psycho Rishta Aunty 1 because my mother would handle it for me. And boy, did she handle it.
I used to think that mom — who has been a single, working mother for almost a decade now — would be against young marriage, considering her own bitter experiences but much to my surprise, she too started badgering me to start searching for a potential husband, if not get married altogether. At first, I thought she must be joking. Then, I contented with the fact that she was probably just planning our future together. But now, it has come to a point where I can practically hear her heart breaking and thoughts churning every time we hear about XYZ aunty’s mother’s brother’s daughter’s son getting engaged. And every time, she is back on with full force about why I have not found anyone yet and don’t even seem to want to. There are only so many times I can say “I am not ready yet” before our emotions get the better of us and I wonder, what is this rush for rishtas? I am just 21!
At times, I suspect this rishta-business is just a boasting competition for bored aunties who are secretly lamenting over their own fates and releasing their frustrations on us youngsters. If you know any aunties who have daughters of marriageable age, you will understand. “My daughter received a rishta from an army general’s son” and “Meri beti ko XYZ company ke CEO ka beta dekhne aaye thah” are chief conversation starters and almost every aunty will have a story to add to the list! I am no feminist but really, the way this conversation flows reminds me of adolescent boys boasting of their new cars. Don’t they realise that their daughters are not commodities with expiry dates, defined by how many people want to invest in them?
Other times, I wonder if marriage is an excuse for women to interrogate a young girl and show their peers the upper hand they will have over their daughters-in-law. Perhaps I am overreacting but there seems to be no other plausible explanation for their ‘queen mother’ behaviour. Just the other night, my sister and I had to attend a wedding where we were sat on a table with a few strange aunties. What ensued was fit for a Bollywood comedy scene.
Upon our arrival, we were examined from head to toe, our faces analysed, our clothes dissected and body language scrutinised with hawk-eye precision. I can only imagine that we had cleared the initial screening because all four aunties then proceeded to cast their votes and deemed my sister appropriate for their houses. The leader of the pact, Psycho Rishta Aunty 2, then broke the ice with a tedious and completely unnecessary description of the mansion she lived in on main Margalla Road (which happens to be one of the priciest locations in Islamabad) and her Amreeka-return son who would be joining the family medical practice next week. Cue super awkward chuckle.
At least Pyscho Rishta Aunty 2 was candid about her interest in my sister, I will give her that. Unfortunately, aunty’s interest declined in inverse proportion to my sister’s 5 feet, 9 inch frame when she arose to get some food. If Aunty could have, I am sure she would have shrunk my sister with magic but alas, one cannot have everything. What one can have is a 4-inches shorter, similar looking younger sister who will look perfect cooking round rotis for their average-height son.
Fortunately, I managed to weasel out by lying about my relationship status but it saddened me to think of how the aunty and her trio were fishing for girls so unabashedly. It is downright cheap and demeaning. Are fancy wedding attire and voluminous blow-dries such important factors when picking a potential daughter-in-law? What about our educational backgrounds? Our dreams and aspirations? What of our personalities and most importantly, compatibility with their sons?
Regardless, our society continues to pressurise youngsters into marriage without ever stopping to think if they are ready or not. Sara Sameer*, 22, succumbed to societal pressures and agreed to marry her husband if she was allowed to complete her college education post marriage. Unfortunately, her class schedule collided with her husband’s work timings and she was forced to drop out. This, coupled with other familial issues, including a miscarried pregnancy, has created a great deal of resentment between the couple, just a year into their marriage. Neither one of them is to be blamed. As Sara admits, “We were simply not ready for the responsibility of marriage yet.”
Most women I question are of the notion that an engagement or marriage affords some sort of security. A girl is considered to be set for life because she now has boy to fall back upon, who in return, is expected to shoulder her responsibilities, financially and otherwise, as a formal agreement has been made. Backing out of this will lead to too much public propaganda and so, one must adhere to said agreement even if they don’t want to. Unfortunately, this reasoning does not sit well with me as I have personally seen men leave behind their own offspring, even after 20 years of marriage. If one’s children and future are not enough to stop them from bailing, I highly doubt if an engagement or baat pakki would be. Not to mention, why shouldn’t the girl take responsibility for herself? Is it really so necessary to rely on our male counterparts for everything from food to stepping out of the house?
Like I mentioned earlier, I am no feminist. Nor am I a loner or a deeply ambitious person who feels marriage will only create impediments in my climb up the corporate ladder. I do hope to settle down and start a family someday. But as of now, I am simply a 21-year-old college student whose sole concern should be obtaining a better GPA — not proposals! The sooner our society realises this, the better.
Times have changed. It may have been okay back in the yesteryears for people to get married young or without choice but that seems unlikely now. Marriage is no longer the ultimate goal of a woman’s life — it is just a part of it. It is a choice some women make now or later or never. The important thing is that they should be given the liberty to make that choice without being coerced or blackmailed emotionally. Marriage, or the number of proposals one receives, is not a barometer for their worth as a person. What matters in the long run are a person’s education, upbringing, morals and courage to pursue their dreams and celebrate themselves, be it a boy or girl. Give your children all of that and leave the rest up to them. After all, if it is their welfare you wish for then give them control of their own future and let the chips fall where they may. I promise you, they will be much happier this way.
Published in The Express Tribune, Ms T, January 12th, 2014.
Fast forward to 21 and I am about as lost as I was back then. In fact, it is even worse now except that instead of Prince Charming, it is his not-so-charming mother who keeps showing up everywhere and so it has been since the day I graduated to university. But naive as I was, I thought I wouldn’t have to deal with Psycho Rishta Aunty 1 because my mother would handle it for me. And boy, did she handle it.
I used to think that mom — who has been a single, working mother for almost a decade now — would be against young marriage, considering her own bitter experiences but much to my surprise, she too started badgering me to start searching for a potential husband, if not get married altogether. At first, I thought she must be joking. Then, I contented with the fact that she was probably just planning our future together. But now, it has come to a point where I can practically hear her heart breaking and thoughts churning every time we hear about XYZ aunty’s mother’s brother’s daughter’s son getting engaged. And every time, she is back on with full force about why I have not found anyone yet and don’t even seem to want to. There are only so many times I can say “I am not ready yet” before our emotions get the better of us and I wonder, what is this rush for rishtas? I am just 21!
At times, I suspect this rishta-business is just a boasting competition for bored aunties who are secretly lamenting over their own fates and releasing their frustrations on us youngsters. If you know any aunties who have daughters of marriageable age, you will understand. “My daughter received a rishta from an army general’s son” and “Meri beti ko XYZ company ke CEO ka beta dekhne aaye thah” are chief conversation starters and almost every aunty will have a story to add to the list! I am no feminist but really, the way this conversation flows reminds me of adolescent boys boasting of their new cars. Don’t they realise that their daughters are not commodities with expiry dates, defined by how many people want to invest in them?
Other times, I wonder if marriage is an excuse for women to interrogate a young girl and show their peers the upper hand they will have over their daughters-in-law. Perhaps I am overreacting but there seems to be no other plausible explanation for their ‘queen mother’ behaviour. Just the other night, my sister and I had to attend a wedding where we were sat on a table with a few strange aunties. What ensued was fit for a Bollywood comedy scene.
Upon our arrival, we were examined from head to toe, our faces analysed, our clothes dissected and body language scrutinised with hawk-eye precision. I can only imagine that we had cleared the initial screening because all four aunties then proceeded to cast their votes and deemed my sister appropriate for their houses. The leader of the pact, Psycho Rishta Aunty 2, then broke the ice with a tedious and completely unnecessary description of the mansion she lived in on main Margalla Road (which happens to be one of the priciest locations in Islamabad) and her Amreeka-return son who would be joining the family medical practice next week. Cue super awkward chuckle.
At least Pyscho Rishta Aunty 2 was candid about her interest in my sister, I will give her that. Unfortunately, aunty’s interest declined in inverse proportion to my sister’s 5 feet, 9 inch frame when she arose to get some food. If Aunty could have, I am sure she would have shrunk my sister with magic but alas, one cannot have everything. What one can have is a 4-inches shorter, similar looking younger sister who will look perfect cooking round rotis for their average-height son.
Fortunately, I managed to weasel out by lying about my relationship status but it saddened me to think of how the aunty and her trio were fishing for girls so unabashedly. It is downright cheap and demeaning. Are fancy wedding attire and voluminous blow-dries such important factors when picking a potential daughter-in-law? What about our educational backgrounds? Our dreams and aspirations? What of our personalities and most importantly, compatibility with their sons?
Regardless, our society continues to pressurise youngsters into marriage without ever stopping to think if they are ready or not. Sara Sameer*, 22, succumbed to societal pressures and agreed to marry her husband if she was allowed to complete her college education post marriage. Unfortunately, her class schedule collided with her husband’s work timings and she was forced to drop out. This, coupled with other familial issues, including a miscarried pregnancy, has created a great deal of resentment between the couple, just a year into their marriage. Neither one of them is to be blamed. As Sara admits, “We were simply not ready for the responsibility of marriage yet.”
Most women I question are of the notion that an engagement or marriage affords some sort of security. A girl is considered to be set for life because she now has boy to fall back upon, who in return, is expected to shoulder her responsibilities, financially and otherwise, as a formal agreement has been made. Backing out of this will lead to too much public propaganda and so, one must adhere to said agreement even if they don’t want to. Unfortunately, this reasoning does not sit well with me as I have personally seen men leave behind their own offspring, even after 20 years of marriage. If one’s children and future are not enough to stop them from bailing, I highly doubt if an engagement or baat pakki would be. Not to mention, why shouldn’t the girl take responsibility for herself? Is it really so necessary to rely on our male counterparts for everything from food to stepping out of the house?
Like I mentioned earlier, I am no feminist. Nor am I a loner or a deeply ambitious person who feels marriage will only create impediments in my climb up the corporate ladder. I do hope to settle down and start a family someday. But as of now, I am simply a 21-year-old college student whose sole concern should be obtaining a better GPA — not proposals! The sooner our society realises this, the better.
Times have changed. It may have been okay back in the yesteryears for people to get married young or without choice but that seems unlikely now. Marriage is no longer the ultimate goal of a woman’s life — it is just a part of it. It is a choice some women make now or later or never. The important thing is that they should be given the liberty to make that choice without being coerced or blackmailed emotionally. Marriage, or the number of proposals one receives, is not a barometer for their worth as a person. What matters in the long run are a person’s education, upbringing, morals and courage to pursue their dreams and celebrate themselves, be it a boy or girl. Give your children all of that and leave the rest up to them. After all, if it is their welfare you wish for then give them control of their own future and let the chips fall where they may. I promise you, they will be much happier this way.
Published in The Express Tribune, Ms T, January 12th, 2014.