Oversharers anonymous: The too much information list
Ms.T narrows down the top five most awkward things people say.
Ms.T narrows down the top five most awkward things people say.
Ever had your lunch meal completely ruined by the gory details of your co-worker’s waxing regime (or the lack thereof)? How many times have you forcefully stomached news about your over-sharing friend’s bowel movements whilst cringing inside? We have all been there, haven’t we? To sum it all up, Ms.T narrows down the top five most awkward things people say. Make sure you keep them to yourself!
1) Birds and bees? No Please!
As much as I appreciate you being my brother’s wife’s little cousin’s second wife, I really do not wish to hear about the grand seminar of procreation that was your wedding night. If I don’t have feelings for your husband, chances are that I see him as a brother which means the only performance I want to associate him with is the one on his report cards. That’s all! Not to mention, whatever happened to the sanctity of marriage and intimacy? Was I misinformed by my mother?
2) Diarrhoea Dilemma
Many women seem to be unaware that there is a whole variety of other, classier bodily disorders, ailments and infections that they can use as excuses to get out of work. Please, please pretty please save yourself years of embarrassment and stop calling in at work to inform your boss that you ‘spent hours on the hot seat’ or are ‘entertaining brown floods.’ No one wants to know let alone keep track of your bowel functions because it will make us think of soiled diapers when we meet you next, once you are off the ‘hot seat.’ Next time, how about you try something more vague, like stomach cramps or maybe VERBAL diarrhoea?
3) Just Too Mooch!
Well, we didn’t just assume that green lining guarding your upper lip is not your nose’s shadow. We know all too well that you haven’t been visiting your threading lady because the last time you did visit your threading lady, you made sure that was broadcast across town too. Visual evidence is usually sufficient for this purpose — please do not announce it, especially if we have just met. You see, while your facial hair issues will definitely bring us closer, they are not the most ideal ice-breakers and also make me judge your hygiene levels just a bit.
4) Demon in my uterus
In case you haven’t noticed, due to the biological challenge you are experiencing, I am also a woman and fully understand what you go through every month. But that does not mean we have to talk about ‘Aunty Rose’ in detail. Why? Because giving it a cute name does not make discussing it any less gross. And I don’t want to know about your reproductive cycle... period! (Oops, no pun intended)
5) Chef Obnoxious
This Nihari you just made for us smells delicious. Wow, it tastes even better. What’s that? You put goat eyes and cow genitals in it? Really? Well why don’t I just throw my plate at your face and bathe in hand sanitizer until my skin comes off. And of course, never eat Nihari ever again!
Published in The Express Tribune, Ms T, September 29th, 2013.
1) Birds and bees? No Please!
As much as I appreciate you being my brother’s wife’s little cousin’s second wife, I really do not wish to hear about the grand seminar of procreation that was your wedding night. If I don’t have feelings for your husband, chances are that I see him as a brother which means the only performance I want to associate him with is the one on his report cards. That’s all! Not to mention, whatever happened to the sanctity of marriage and intimacy? Was I misinformed by my mother?
2) Diarrhoea Dilemma
Many women seem to be unaware that there is a whole variety of other, classier bodily disorders, ailments and infections that they can use as excuses to get out of work. Please, please pretty please save yourself years of embarrassment and stop calling in at work to inform your boss that you ‘spent hours on the hot seat’ or are ‘entertaining brown floods.’ No one wants to know let alone keep track of your bowel functions because it will make us think of soiled diapers when we meet you next, once you are off the ‘hot seat.’ Next time, how about you try something more vague, like stomach cramps or maybe VERBAL diarrhoea?
3) Just Too Mooch!
Well, we didn’t just assume that green lining guarding your upper lip is not your nose’s shadow. We know all too well that you haven’t been visiting your threading lady because the last time you did visit your threading lady, you made sure that was broadcast across town too. Visual evidence is usually sufficient for this purpose — please do not announce it, especially if we have just met. You see, while your facial hair issues will definitely bring us closer, they are not the most ideal ice-breakers and also make me judge your hygiene levels just a bit.
4) Demon in my uterus
In case you haven’t noticed, due to the biological challenge you are experiencing, I am also a woman and fully understand what you go through every month. But that does not mean we have to talk about ‘Aunty Rose’ in detail. Why? Because giving it a cute name does not make discussing it any less gross. And I don’t want to know about your reproductive cycle... period! (Oops, no pun intended)
5) Chef Obnoxious
This Nihari you just made for us smells delicious. Wow, it tastes even better. What’s that? You put goat eyes and cow genitals in it? Really? Well why don’t I just throw my plate at your face and bathe in hand sanitizer until my skin comes off. And of course, never eat Nihari ever again!
Published in The Express Tribune, Ms T, September 29th, 2013.