Memorable memorial

Critics say in a time of financial crisis billions for the Benazir monument is callous, clearly they lack vision.

I just submitted my proposal for designing the Benazir Bhutto Monument. It has generated a great deal of controversy recently, locally and internationally, due to the fact that $11 million have been put aside as an estimated cost. Critics say in a time of financial crisis, to put aside over a billion rupees for a monument is callous. That this money could have been spent on caring for the poor and the suffering. Critics clearly lack vision. Let’s remember, that money guarantees quality. The Diana, Princess of Wales Memorial Fountain in London, built to honour the most famous auto accident victim since James Dean, cost a piddling 3.6 million pounds. Critics have described it as being a largely rubbish fountain that fulfills very few of the job description criteria of fountains. By ignoring the needs of the country and effectively raising a middle finger at good taste, the government has guaranteed that, if nothing else, the Benazir Bhutto Memorial will be truly worthwhile and inspiring. Inspiration is the key element here. Nothing raises our spirits and hopes like a good monument. A good example is the KPT Fountain in Karachi. Built at a cost of Rs320 million by the inspirational management of the Karachi Port Trust, it shot a jet of water over 500 feet in the air. Just writing that description makes me all tingly. Karachiites flocked to see this gigantic bidet and bask in its spiritual and emotional glory. Either that or they tried drinking it to see if the money spent on it made it any cleaner than the typhoid that drips from their taps at home. Either way, the fountain is referred to in the past tense because parts of it were consequently stolen.

Keeping these historical mistakes in mind, let me now share with you the proposal I have for the Benazir Bhutto Memorial: the goal here is to insure that the finished work truly encapsulates everything the government is trying to tell us with their budgetary expectations. Therefore, I have recommended the construction of an immense statue of President Asif Ali Zardari. Standing taller than the Burj Khalifa, it will be constructed entirely out of the crushed bones of the victims of the recent floods. At its base will be a reflecting pool filled with the tears of poor people. Initial plans were to have the statue be hollow from the inside so that homeless flood affectees and IDPs could live inside it. However, I decided this sort of utilitarian and humanitarian element to the final piece would be counter to the wishes of the government. Therefore the inside will now house a lavishly furnished multi-storey apartment that will serve as a rest house for members of the government. It will be soundproofed so that the wailing and gnashing of teeth that the ungrateful poor often emit do not assault their delicate ears. To prevent the monument from suffering the same tragic fate that befell the unfortunate KPT Fountain (oh how I miss it!), every policeman and Ranger in the country will be made to form a series of protective rings around it. This may leave the entire population of the country unprotected by terrorist attacks but it will also serve as a constant reminder of the priorities of the government. According to my excel spreadsheet, the total cost of this construction will come to around $9 million. For the remaining $2 million, there shall be a flaming torch placed in the hand of the statue, which will be lit using the cash. The statue will also have flight capabilities, allowing it to serve as a form of transport for the President whenever he needs to make an emergency relaxation trip to his French chalet. On the back, an LED display will continuously loop the text “WHAT IMAGE DEFICIT?”

The alternative design that I am considering submitting is an immense bonfire in which we will burn the hopes, dreams and sanity of the country.

Published in The Express Tribune, September 16^th, 2010.