Adoption — what will people say?
'I felt there was no need to have my own child when so many others have to live without the love of a parent.'
As countless children yearn for a safe and happy home, many childless couples long to hold a baby. What are the barriers to adoption in Pakistan?
Two years ago, Aleena Mumtaz* was known as a headstrong, independent young woman who took every ‘You can’t’ as a dare to prove she could. One of the resolutions she made very early in her life was that she would never give birth to a child; she had decided she would adopt one.
“So many children are abandoned every single day in Pakistan. I felt there was no need to have my own child when so many others have to live without the love of a parent,” she said.
Her husband agreed with her. Today, however, Aleena is pregnant.
So what happened to change the mind of a girl who was determined to help abandoned children?
“It was ... not possible,” she says. “A few months after my marriage, my mother-in-law started dropping hints about how she would like to hear the sounds of a baby around the house.”
Mumtaz, Aleena’s husband, explains, “You see, my parents subscribe to the old ways of thinking. The idea of bringing up someone else’s child wasn’t acceptable to them.”
“I always said I would adopt a child instead of having my own, but I couldn’t do something that would have made my husband unhappy,” sighs Aleena.
Social and cultural norms have a strong hold on families and decisions in the subcontinent. Traditionally, giving birth is considered to be the crowning glory of a woman’s life. Aleena’s views on adoption were a radical departure from the norm. While she and her husband were able to have a baby, there are many couples out there who cannot have children due to medical reasons.
Rana Omair* told me, “I’ve been married 7 years and don’t have children, so it’s an issue I have thought about and discussed with my wife in detail. My wife was all up for adoption but I am not. The reasons are more social in nature than religious. I guess, to go for adoption you have to be really crazy about children and I’m not.”
Rana’s reasons for deciding against adoption are largely social. Similarly, many people refuse to adopt because they cannot see the point of spending time and money on raising children who are “not their own”. However, the dearth of clear information about religious teachings regarding adoption is another reason why many people are wary of adopting.
“I come from a conservative background and it would have been frowned upon in my immediate and extended family,” he said. “Adoption has been looked upon favourably in our religion as the Prophet (PBUH) was also an orphan, so I feel guilty for not being able to accept it openly. Plus, the fact that adopted children are na-mehram and you can’t give them property bothers me a lot and I need a satisfactory reply on the religious front before I can decide what to do.”
While adopted children do not inherit their parents’ property after their deaths, during their life, parents can transfer any amount of property or investments to their adopted children. This is perfectly in consonance with Islamic precepts and is a practice followed by many religiously inclined couples who do adopt. The other obstruction — that adopted children are na-mehram — is also quite easily got around by breastfeeding the adopted baby. In Islam, breastfeeding a child makes the child his parents’ mehram.
However, religion is only one facet of the situation. People from other religions seem to have the same reservations when it comes to taking in another man’s child.
“It’s not about religion,” says Akram Masih, a local school teacher. “It’s more about what people will say. I am willing to face the questions that might arise out of my adoption of a child, but my parents and my wife aren’t.”
Zarina, Akram’s wife, declares, “I will never raise someone else’s child. What will people say? When the child grows up, it will not look after us in our old age. So, why should I spend so much time and money for nothing?”
Of course, many who have given birth to ‘real’ children live in homes for old people because they have been abandoned, but Zarina brushes that aside: “It is their sins being revisited upon them. They must have done the same with their parents.”
Would she agree to adopt a child if her in-laws forced Akram to marry again for a child? Zarina seems to have already considered that option, “They can’t force him. They have tried but he will never agree.”
Then there is the rare case of a mother like Mrs. Taimur who doesn’t care about what people will say. If her son wants to adopt a child, she vows to support him completely.
“Babies are innocent,” she says. “If one can’t have a child, there is no harm in adopting a baby.”
It appears that cultural barriers and social pressure are the biggest hurdles in the way of adoption. The question ‘What will people say?’ seems to rule most lives. While we obsess over what other people might say, thousands of parentless children wait for the touch of a loving parent in orphanages around our country.
Many of today’s educated young men and women understand this and would like to help these children find a happy home.
“I intend to adopt a child. Even if I have a child of my own, I will adopt at least one child,” says Nazia Bilal.
I just hope the parents of today do not grow into the ‘people’ in the question “What will people say” and instead, choose to end this seemingly incessant chain of prejudice.
Rabab Khan works as a content creator, social media strategist, writer, journalist and editor. Currently she is a business consultant for IBFS Inc.
Published in The Express Tribune, Ms T, December 16th, 2012.
Two years ago, Aleena Mumtaz* was known as a headstrong, independent young woman who took every ‘You can’t’ as a dare to prove she could. One of the resolutions she made very early in her life was that she would never give birth to a child; she had decided she would adopt one.
“So many children are abandoned every single day in Pakistan. I felt there was no need to have my own child when so many others have to live without the love of a parent,” she said.
Her husband agreed with her. Today, however, Aleena is pregnant.
So what happened to change the mind of a girl who was determined to help abandoned children?
“It was ... not possible,” she says. “A few months after my marriage, my mother-in-law started dropping hints about how she would like to hear the sounds of a baby around the house.”
Mumtaz, Aleena’s husband, explains, “You see, my parents subscribe to the old ways of thinking. The idea of bringing up someone else’s child wasn’t acceptable to them.”
“I always said I would adopt a child instead of having my own, but I couldn’t do something that would have made my husband unhappy,” sighs Aleena.
Social and cultural norms have a strong hold on families and decisions in the subcontinent. Traditionally, giving birth is considered to be the crowning glory of a woman’s life. Aleena’s views on adoption were a radical departure from the norm. While she and her husband were able to have a baby, there are many couples out there who cannot have children due to medical reasons.
Rana Omair* told me, “I’ve been married 7 years and don’t have children, so it’s an issue I have thought about and discussed with my wife in detail. My wife was all up for adoption but I am not. The reasons are more social in nature than religious. I guess, to go for adoption you have to be really crazy about children and I’m not.”
Rana’s reasons for deciding against adoption are largely social. Similarly, many people refuse to adopt because they cannot see the point of spending time and money on raising children who are “not their own”. However, the dearth of clear information about religious teachings regarding adoption is another reason why many people are wary of adopting.
“I come from a conservative background and it would have been frowned upon in my immediate and extended family,” he said. “Adoption has been looked upon favourably in our religion as the Prophet (PBUH) was also an orphan, so I feel guilty for not being able to accept it openly. Plus, the fact that adopted children are na-mehram and you can’t give them property bothers me a lot and I need a satisfactory reply on the religious front before I can decide what to do.”
While adopted children do not inherit their parents’ property after their deaths, during their life, parents can transfer any amount of property or investments to their adopted children. This is perfectly in consonance with Islamic precepts and is a practice followed by many religiously inclined couples who do adopt. The other obstruction — that adopted children are na-mehram — is also quite easily got around by breastfeeding the adopted baby. In Islam, breastfeeding a child makes the child his parents’ mehram.
However, religion is only one facet of the situation. People from other religions seem to have the same reservations when it comes to taking in another man’s child.
“It’s not about religion,” says Akram Masih, a local school teacher. “It’s more about what people will say. I am willing to face the questions that might arise out of my adoption of a child, but my parents and my wife aren’t.”
Zarina, Akram’s wife, declares, “I will never raise someone else’s child. What will people say? When the child grows up, it will not look after us in our old age. So, why should I spend so much time and money for nothing?”
Of course, many who have given birth to ‘real’ children live in homes for old people because they have been abandoned, but Zarina brushes that aside: “It is their sins being revisited upon them. They must have done the same with their parents.”
Would she agree to adopt a child if her in-laws forced Akram to marry again for a child? Zarina seems to have already considered that option, “They can’t force him. They have tried but he will never agree.”
Then there is the rare case of a mother like Mrs. Taimur who doesn’t care about what people will say. If her son wants to adopt a child, she vows to support him completely.
“Babies are innocent,” she says. “If one can’t have a child, there is no harm in adopting a baby.”
It appears that cultural barriers and social pressure are the biggest hurdles in the way of adoption. The question ‘What will people say?’ seems to rule most lives. While we obsess over what other people might say, thousands of parentless children wait for the touch of a loving parent in orphanages around our country.
Many of today’s educated young men and women understand this and would like to help these children find a happy home.
“I intend to adopt a child. Even if I have a child of my own, I will adopt at least one child,” says Nazia Bilal.
I just hope the parents of today do not grow into the ‘people’ in the question “What will people say” and instead, choose to end this seemingly incessant chain of prejudice.
Rabab Khan works as a content creator, social media strategist, writer, journalist and editor. Currently she is a business consultant for IBFS Inc.
Published in The Express Tribune, Ms T, December 16th, 2012.