What is your idea of perfect happiness?

Being happy with what I have now.

What is your greatest fear?

Being happy with what I have now.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

Donating blood every day at 7 pm to help the poor.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?

I don’t like brutally honest people. Not all opinions deserve voicing.

What is your greatest extravagance?

Junk food.

What is your current state of mind?

Have become a bit pessimistic, the internet has shown me the enormity of the challenge of changing how people think in this country.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

Fasting in Pakistan. Rather than become better human beings, everyone turns into New Yorkers on a hot and traffic jammed day.

On what occasion do you lie?

I love this questionnaire.

What do you most dislike about your appearance?

My hair. Whatever I do it cannot be controlled.

Which living person do you most despise?

Gene Simmons, the bassist of KISS. I have utter contempt for the man.

What is the quality you most like in a man?

That he doesn’t have stupid rules when you are in his car. Very off putting, especially smokers who won’t smoke in their car.

What is the quality you most like in a woman?

Nothing superficial. I like substance, she should have a healthy bank balance.

When and where were you happiest?

When I was 18 and solved my first and last crossword in the paper. I was stuck on a five letter word for famous cubist, Picasso didn’t fit, then I realised it was the puzzle make Rubik.

Which talent would you most like to have?

To be able to stretch down standing up and have my hand touch my feet.

If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?

I would like to come back as a President of the US during the Clinton years, and redistribute wealth around the world.

Where would you most like to live?

Sri Lanka.

What is your most treasured possession?

My old comic books. When I reread them I can remember my life when I first read them.

If you didn’t do your current job, what would you choose to do?

Professional sofa tester.

What is your most marked characteristic?

My laugh. I, unfortunately, guffaw.

Who is your hero of fiction?

Zaid Hamid. No one tells porkers like he does.

Which historical figure do you most identify with?

Marilyn Monroe’s.

Who are your heroes in real life?

Hassan Nisar, NFP. Sacha Baron Cohen. Ricky Gervais.

What’s your favourite quote?

ICI on a bullish day in the KSE.

How many hours of loadshedding did you experience yesterday?

Yesterday was particularly bad.

Published in The Express Tribune, August 8th, 2010.