10 things I hate about skinny jeans

1.    Getting them on. Groan, grunt, tug, suck in and ahhhhh! They are finally over your calves. Repeat to get them over your thighs, and then, the worst… the hips. You might wobble a little bit and, in extreme cases, hop vigorously too.

2.   Getting them off. Peel them over your waist and then get an unwilling accomplice to pull them off while you sit on a chair, legs stuck out straight in front of you. One huge tug and the deed is done. If you are lucky, your accomplice will not be sprawled on the ground with the jeans in her hands.

3.   If you have gained some weight, be prepared for the ‘thunder-thigh’, ‘bubble butt’, and ‘round rump’ syndrome. Once they are on, there is no hiding the flab.

4.   They just don’t seem to fit after meals. If you have starved all day to fit into them, don’t fool yourself in to thinking that you can afford to eat dinner. Make that mistake and you might just split a seam.

5.   The smallest rip is actually a gaping hole in the stretchy material of these skinnys. You discover a pea-sized hole in them — no problem, who is going to notice that? You manage to get into the jeggings, and after the effort of pulling them on, you forget to check if the hole is actually visible. Next thing you know, you have walked around your entire office building with a huge hole on your behind!

6.   They look so damn good on skinny girls. Isn’t the whole point of jeggings to make you look skinnier than you actually are? Nope — there will be no kapra relief to hide your flab once the jeans are on.

7.    You bought a pair of jeggings, wore them once, and threw them in the laundry hamper. Next thing you know, your jeans have shrunk, and now you are wearing a very tight pair of capris that are cutting off circulation on your lower calf.

8.   Bending is a little difficult in skinny jeans. So is twisting, stretching, turning, and any sudden movement. Dare to do any of the above, and you might have to tie a sweater around your waist to hide the rip near your backside.

9.   If you have a small bladder, jeggings aren’t for you. The elastic waist will squeeze your lower abdomen, and you will be rushing to the bathroom every half hour.

10.   Wearing these tight, skin-fitted denims during the summer is a terrible idea. Do so, and suffer sweaty legs with no respite as there is absolutely no place for the air to seep through.

Published in The Express Tribune, Sunday Magazine, February 19^th, 2012.