10 things I hate about Twilight: Breaking Dawn
The soft porn. No one wants to see a lifeless vampire make love to a dull, expressionless, teenager.
1. Bella’s Helpless Woman syndrome. Gone are the days when women kicked butt, earned their own money and depended on themselves. Our helpless heroine has not once tried to fight a single enemy on her own. Bella doesn’t need college, ambition or money. All she really needs in life is to marry her 100-year-old rich, vampire boyfriend or, in case things go wrong,her hot backup wolf lover.
2. The soft porn. No one wants to see a lifeless vampire with wild hair and a goofy expression make love to a dull, expressionless, teenager. Do not tempt me with deserted islands in Sao Paulo or moonlit beaches, it ain’t working!
3. The fast forward pregnancy. Yes, one day she has the abs of Paris Hilton and the next day, she’s got the belly of Sheikh Rasheed after a good plate of nihari.
4. She’s dead but really, she’s ALIVE. Visualise: While Edward weeps on Bella’s apparent death after delivery, little does he know that vamp energy is quickly making its way into her body. When he comes back from mourning, she lies there with a face of fresh makeup indicating that the magic has worked and she is about to wake up. Yea Bella! (read: die witch, die!)
5. The Indian movie moments. There were so many that it probably would’ve made sense to spray white paint on Shahrukh Khan and Kajol, and shoot this movie on a Kerala beach. At least, they would’ve done a more believable job and it would’ve cost less.
6. The maamta. Visualise: the baby is sucking the life out of Bella, straining the poor girl’s body so much that she could possibly get stuck in the drain. But does she hate the thing growing inside her? Of course not! Because the maamta has jaagofied and now she keeps rubbing it lovingly while the baby viciously bites her internal organs.
7. The oh-so-realistic delivery scene. First, the baby decides to crack Bella’s ribs for pure fun. Then, she takes her hand out of her belly to grab a bottle of blood.As for our hero Edward, he tears up Bella’s tummy with his bare fangs to take out the baby while taking quick bites on her body to bring her back to life. My nephew was born the EXACT same way! No kidding.
8. The horrible dialogue delivery. When Jacob finds out Bella’s pregnant, he gets up violently and dramatically screams at Edward. “YOU DID THIS!!! YOUUUU!!!” You think, Einstein?
9. The pre-teen crowd at the cinema. Call me judgmental, but my parents would never have appreciated me reading or watching such hormone-driven drama at that age. Come to think of it, they still wouldn’t!
10. Despite hating every second of Breaking Dawn, I will find myself in another theatre next year, watching the second part in a cinema filled with pre-teens, if only to write another Hater on it. Let’s just hope, for the next part, Bella doesn’t get knocked up by the wolf!
Published in The Express Tribune, December Sunday Magazine, 18th, 2011.
2. The soft porn. No one wants to see a lifeless vampire with wild hair and a goofy expression make love to a dull, expressionless, teenager. Do not tempt me with deserted islands in Sao Paulo or moonlit beaches, it ain’t working!
3. The fast forward pregnancy. Yes, one day she has the abs of Paris Hilton and the next day, she’s got the belly of Sheikh Rasheed after a good plate of nihari.
4. She’s dead but really, she’s ALIVE. Visualise: While Edward weeps on Bella’s apparent death after delivery, little does he know that vamp energy is quickly making its way into her body. When he comes back from mourning, she lies there with a face of fresh makeup indicating that the magic has worked and she is about to wake up. Yea Bella! (read: die witch, die!)
5. The Indian movie moments. There were so many that it probably would’ve made sense to spray white paint on Shahrukh Khan and Kajol, and shoot this movie on a Kerala beach. At least, they would’ve done a more believable job and it would’ve cost less.
6. The maamta. Visualise: the baby is sucking the life out of Bella, straining the poor girl’s body so much that she could possibly get stuck in the drain. But does she hate the thing growing inside her? Of course not! Because the maamta has jaagofied and now she keeps rubbing it lovingly while the baby viciously bites her internal organs.
7. The oh-so-realistic delivery scene. First, the baby decides to crack Bella’s ribs for pure fun. Then, she takes her hand out of her belly to grab a bottle of blood.As for our hero Edward, he tears up Bella’s tummy with his bare fangs to take out the baby while taking quick bites on her body to bring her back to life. My nephew was born the EXACT same way! No kidding.
8. The horrible dialogue delivery. When Jacob finds out Bella’s pregnant, he gets up violently and dramatically screams at Edward. “YOU DID THIS!!! YOUUUU!!!” You think, Einstein?
9. The pre-teen crowd at the cinema. Call me judgmental, but my parents would never have appreciated me reading or watching such hormone-driven drama at that age. Come to think of it, they still wouldn’t!
10. Despite hating every second of Breaking Dawn, I will find myself in another theatre next year, watching the second part in a cinema filled with pre-teens, if only to write another Hater on it. Let’s just hope, for the next part, Bella doesn’t get knocked up by the wolf!
Published in The Express Tribune, December Sunday Magazine, 18th, 2011.