Be mediocre

We live in a world of lowered expectations. Our aspirations are blunted and our achievements embarrassingly attainable. These are the lessons we learn about our future, when the biggest achievement on the 10^th of Muharram is not seeing any terrorist attacks. So shocked are we by this, that our grateful interior minister took time out from thanking the security personnel who kept up their defences, to personally thank the Taliban. He claimed that it was his appeal that kept them from committing acts of terrorism on that day. Maybe we can have an appeal like that recorded by him and played on a loop all year round. It seems the Taliban are responsive to such humanitarian requests, as long as they are followed up by public displays of gratitude. It is only fair, considering few people do any good deeds anymore without expecting some kind of appreciation. Maybe if the Taliban keep up the hard work of not killing us all, we can give them a collective Nishan-i-Imtiaz. Our hope is not for heroes anymore, just villains who are slightly less villainous.

The same lowered expectations were first highlighted when, on the night of the 9^th of Muharram, a loud explosion was heard across Karachi. Police have described the cause as a gas cylinder, which seems almost to have disappointed the citizenry. To have gone through such dread and panic with no one to blame but the forces of pressure being applied to compressed natural gas seemed unfair and disappointing. All bang, no blood.

Similarly, the next day, news of President Zardari leaving the country urgently and under the cover of darkness resulted in claims of a coup having occurred. The unofficial explanation that he needed some medical care for a heart condition just seemed so much less exciting. Sure, it afforded us a few easy jokes about the heart attack being caused by our recent improvement in corruption rankings by Transparency International, but that was just the disappointment talking.

We no longer even hope that America will cease drone attacks in Pakistan. Attacks that have resulted in a couple of thousand civilians dead. Instead, we just ask them to clear out the maintenance hangar. A few mechanics go home and we call that a victory. If this is how we stake out territory, we should win back control of North Waziristan sometime in the next millennium.

It is no wonder then, that with this kind of attitude, the next election is shaping up not as a contest between potential winners, but a challenge to see who will lose the least. Entire campaign strategies revolve around promising voters that the candidates they choose wont be as bad as the other options. Not much better, just not worse.

Even Veena Malik disappointed us all by claiming the nude photos weren’t really nude. Now the progressives have no one to rally behind as a symbol of sexual confidence and the conservatives have no one to condemn for immoral conduct. It might explain the quick loss of momentum in the online debates, although that might just be because both sides discovered it’s difficult to type with just one hand.

With options like these available to us, our children will not be taught to reach for the stars, but to keep their hands firmly on their knees. When we write songs about ambition, their lyrics will include verses like ‘there ain’t no molehill high enough, ain’t no two-foot ditch deep enough, ain’t no urine stream wide enough, to keep me from getting to you’, and so on. Just don’t forget to thank the nice terrorists for not blowing you up. It was the least they could do. Literally.

Published in The Express Tribune, December 8^th, 2011.