Help’s on the way
Self-help books are as helpful as throwing a drowning man both ends of a rope.
If you’ve picked up this book, it probably means that you have done horrifically in all spheres of life and now ridiculously expect to solve all of your life’s troubles with this 8787356245-page self-help book. Let me assure you that your hard-earned money was well-spent because, as you continue to read this book, not only will you feel much worse about your current life, you will also develop a prevailingly deep sense of depression and denial.
Regardless of your real problems in life, I will have you convinced that the centre of all your problems can be traced back to your traumatic relationship with your parents. If you are a man, I will persuade you that you have mummy issues and if you are a woman, I will make sure you realise that you have serious undealt-with daddy issues. That’s my real job as a failing psychologist who couldn’t make it as a practitioner and who has since devoted all his time to making ends meet by writing books which capitalise on your weaknesses.
By the end of it, I will have you conned into buying my next book titled How to deal with Mummy/Daddy issues so I can be ready to succeed, get rich, snag a perfect beau and have a life only a gazillion times better!
If you make it through my second book, and if you have the smallest amount of common sense still flickering inside you, you will decide to shred my badly-researched books into very small pieces after you have drawn a beard and horns on my serene-looking picture on my author bio page.
But if you are as dense as you seem by the fact that you’ve already purchased two of my ridiculous books, you will either decide to kill yourself, kill your parents, or come stalking me with an axe in order to take your final and absolute revenge.
On a side note, weren’t you the least bit embarrassed asking and paying for these books in front of the sales people? Let’s move onto a few impractical steps that have changed the lives of many unsuccessful, fat, lazy people like yourself who think that using self-help books means that they are independent, empowered and in control of their destiny (but really, if you are doing everything I am telling you to do, you are definitely not self-helping).
Steps to Success
Step 1: Everything you have been doing is WRONG, STUPID and IMMORAL!
Step 2: Everything I tell you is CORRECT, INTELLIGENT and MORAL!
Step 3: Everything that has worked for Bill Gates, Steve Jobs and Richard Branson HAS to work for you too!
Step 4: If it doesn’t work, you are too stupid or are not trying hard enough.
Did any of the steps work? No? Well then try this amazing new exercise that is bound to make you ready to succeed, get rich, snag a perfect beau and have a life only a gazillion times better!
The Fat Cow Exercise
Imagine yourself as a fat cow (you probably already are, so it shouldn’t be a problem imagining this). Now think that all the fatty deposits are the failures of your life hanging onto your body.
The black marks on your white skin are the insecurities that are holding you back.
Make a loud mooing sound to really immerse yourself in this imagined scenario. Ignore the people who look at you like you are insane.
Now let me tell you the truth: this is how you’ll always be unless you change your patterns in life.
Now imagine a skinny cow next to you with no marks on its body. You can mentally switch the skinny cow’s head with your successful neighbour/friend/co-worker/cousin’s face — yes, the one who turns you a sickening shade of green with envy every single day.
Realise that they are not being held back by any insecurities and that is why they have never failed in life.
But YOU…you fat cow….have failed everyday in every aspect of your life!
Now breathe and open your eyes. Didn’t that feel incredibly relaxing? Now repeat this exercise for the rest of your life.
Published in The Express Tribune, Sunday Magazine, October 16th, 2011.
Regardless of your real problems in life, I will have you convinced that the centre of all your problems can be traced back to your traumatic relationship with your parents. If you are a man, I will persuade you that you have mummy issues and if you are a woman, I will make sure you realise that you have serious undealt-with daddy issues. That’s my real job as a failing psychologist who couldn’t make it as a practitioner and who has since devoted all his time to making ends meet by writing books which capitalise on your weaknesses.
By the end of it, I will have you conned into buying my next book titled How to deal with Mummy/Daddy issues so I can be ready to succeed, get rich, snag a perfect beau and have a life only a gazillion times better!
If you make it through my second book, and if you have the smallest amount of common sense still flickering inside you, you will decide to shred my badly-researched books into very small pieces after you have drawn a beard and horns on my serene-looking picture on my author bio page.
But if you are as dense as you seem by the fact that you’ve already purchased two of my ridiculous books, you will either decide to kill yourself, kill your parents, or come stalking me with an axe in order to take your final and absolute revenge.
On a side note, weren’t you the least bit embarrassed asking and paying for these books in front of the sales people? Let’s move onto a few impractical steps that have changed the lives of many unsuccessful, fat, lazy people like yourself who think that using self-help books means that they are independent, empowered and in control of their destiny (but really, if you are doing everything I am telling you to do, you are definitely not self-helping).
Steps to Success
Step 1: Everything you have been doing is WRONG, STUPID and IMMORAL!
Step 2: Everything I tell you is CORRECT, INTELLIGENT and MORAL!
Step 3: Everything that has worked for Bill Gates, Steve Jobs and Richard Branson HAS to work for you too!
Step 4: If it doesn’t work, you are too stupid or are not trying hard enough.
Did any of the steps work? No? Well then try this amazing new exercise that is bound to make you ready to succeed, get rich, snag a perfect beau and have a life only a gazillion times better!
The Fat Cow Exercise
Imagine yourself as a fat cow (you probably already are, so it shouldn’t be a problem imagining this). Now think that all the fatty deposits are the failures of your life hanging onto your body.
The black marks on your white skin are the insecurities that are holding you back.
Make a loud mooing sound to really immerse yourself in this imagined scenario. Ignore the people who look at you like you are insane.
Now let me tell you the truth: this is how you’ll always be unless you change your patterns in life.
Now imagine a skinny cow next to you with no marks on its body. You can mentally switch the skinny cow’s head with your successful neighbour/friend/co-worker/cousin’s face — yes, the one who turns you a sickening shade of green with envy every single day.
Realise that they are not being held back by any insecurities and that is why they have never failed in life.
But YOU…you fat cow….have failed everyday in every aspect of your life!
Now breathe and open your eyes. Didn’t that feel incredibly relaxing? Now repeat this exercise for the rest of your life.
Published in The Express Tribune, Sunday Magazine, October 16th, 2011.