Spillovers of the patriarchal paradise
Picture a drinking glass with a limited capacity. Irrespective of its shape or size, the vessel takes the color of the liquid poured into it, trying its best to hold it even when the spillover stains its existence. It can survive multiple small scratches until one fine day when a final plunge shatters it into a million irredeemable pieces. With the micro-glass particles piercing through the skin of anyone coming into close contact, the fragmented drinkware is too dangerous to be kept at home and is thrown away for good. But the question remains; who was at fault, the glass that broke, or those who broke it?
In Pakistan, women are often treated as if they are no more than a drinking glass. Just as the glass must be empty to hold the contents of a liquid, the ideal woman must be devoid of personal aspirations, traumas, likes and dislikes, to make space for the whims and desires of the household and the society at large. Single-handedly responsible for carrying the emotional baggage and physical burden of societal expectations, household management, childbearing and family care, women’s value is defined by their ability to forego their individuality and embrace the culturally ordained role of an unconditional nurturer in the marital home.
Through taught self-negation and persistent behavioral policing from male kin, older women and egoistic husbands, this female figure is molded into a doormat, which no longer holds the capacity to challenge injustice and question its subordinate status. Covert jibes, overt gaslighting and the occasional slaps and blows reinforce this patriarchal system, serving the sacred purpose of redirecting a defiant daughter, sister or wife towards her “true” calling at the expense of her own identity, self-esteem and mental well-being.
In this system, a daughter's refusal to clear her brothers’ dishes can be seen as an act of defiance whereas a single woman rejecting one proposal can be convinced into believing that she will die a spinster. Similarly, a married woman demanding new clothes for Eid can be beaten red and blue by her husband while a new bride with a PhD can be forced to abandon academia and use her debating skills against an unruly house-help. For the flagbearers of appropriate femininity, “good” women are supposed to seek fulfilment solely within the domain of cultural reproduction by compromising for the sake of raising a decent family.
To the vast majority, including many literate women, this system appears to be working just fine especially since the vilification of feminism leaves no room for them to defy the gendered norms. The reality, however, is quite the opposite and can be sensed just five minutes into an all-female gathering. Amidst lavish trails of rose, lavender, and vanilla and the intermittent clinking of embellished dupatta tussles, an air of suppressed resentment lingers and is indirectly channeled through relentless gossip. For many women battling difficult emotions, venting to other women is the only way of relieving some of their psychological turmoil.
“Unaddressed emotional and physical traumas can significantly heighten the risk of psychiatric disorders among women in Pakistan. Studies indicate that approximately 45.5 million people suffer from mental disorders, with women disproportionately affected due to societal norms and gender-based violence. The stigma surrounding mental health in Pakistan exacerbates these issues, as many women face barriers in accessing care, often resulting in untreated conditions like anxiety and depression,” confirmed Dr Rafia Rafique, a health psychologist.
Wounds without bruises
It is often believed that time is the best healer. For wives accustomed to regular beatings from their husbands, swollen eyes and bleeding cuts may indeed fade away. Yet, what remains deeply etched are the indelible marks carved onto a woman’s psyche by each dismissal, taunt or violent outburst, silently pushing her spirit to succumb to the wounds without bruises.
According to Amna Arshad, a Dubai-based clinical psychologist and trauma specialist, a large number of her female patients present with symptoms like anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, or emotional dysregulation, which are rooted in some form of unaddressed abuse at home including extreme physical violence, chronic emotional neglect, humiliation, and controlling and dismissive behavior, which had all left deep psychological scars.
“I’ve had clients who never even labelled their experiences as abuse because they were taught to see them as “normal” or “part of marriage”. One woman, for example, had constant panic attacks and kept blaming herself for being “too sensitive.” But in therapy, we uncovered years of emotional manipulation and verbal degradation from both her husband and her in-laws. Most women do not even speak openly about their experiences because they know the system won’t protect them. They suppress the hurt, normalize it, and try to carry on until their mental health starts to collapse under the weight of it all,” explained Arshad.
Aaminah Qadir, Founder of She-her Pakistan and a human rights advocate, seconded Arshad’s view that women faced greater difficulties in accessing the criminal justice system. “While cultural factors restrict women from freely leaving the home, financial dependence on husbands prevents many from seeking legal help. Furthermore, most women lack the education or awareness required to pursue the legal route, which is generally unwelcoming towards the female gender. Since we’re keeping a large proportion of our population disenfranchised, it can lead to the development of various mental and physical health issues,” noted Qadir.
Dr Humaira Jami, Assistant Professor at the National Institute of Psychology at the Quaid-i-Azam University Islamabad unveiled that unaddressed anxiety and stress among women can also manifest through bodily ailments that appear to have no biological cause. “Stress may also aggravate health-related conditions like asthma, skin allergies, headaches and cardiac problems. Internalization of abuse leads to self-blame and self-doubt that may lead to depression, self-harm, and even suicidal ideation,” highlighted Dr Jami.
According to the results of a survey conducted for female psychiatric patients in Pakistan, 80 per cent of women seeking treatment for mental health were facing marital problems while 70 per cent were victims of some form of gender-based violence. Yet while persistent abuse triggers mental issues in some women, the few who dare to resist their oppression are often targeted with the misuse of psychiatric labelling.
Sara*, a 20-year-old, grew up hearing the tale of her grandfather’s “crazy” first wife. Wedded to Sara’s grandfather through an arranged setup in the 1960s, the “fair and tall” bride was apparently suffering from a serious mental illness, which was hidden by her family during the initial matrimonial meetings. On the wedding night, her mental condition was disclosed when she hurled a shoe at her husband. As expected, the unruly bride was sent back home the very next morning with the three dreaded utterances of divorce at her tail. Amidst the whole drama, no one questioned the groom.
Five decades ago, when women were customarily married off after seeing just a photo of their husbands, for a new bride to give in to the sexual demands of a stranger, was undoubtedly a cruel expectation. However, consent within marriage, or marital rape, was unheard of let alone seen to justify the unabashed use of force by a timid bride against her entitled husband. Hence, the bride’s natural shock and instinctive self-defense was taken as a sign of deviancy, the perfect excuse for labelling her mad and ostracizing her from society.
More than half a century later, not much has changed. For Arshad, Sara’s family saga is nothing new under the sun. “I recall a woman whose husband divorced her within weeks of marriage, claiming she had “mental issues.” In reality, her only ‘symptom’ was refusing non-consensual sex on their wedding night. Instead of recognizing it as her right to bodily autonomy, she was framed as unstable, hysterical, and “unfit for marriage.” There was no diagnosis or assessment. Just a social label slapped onto her because she had boundaries,” noted Arshad.
Marital rape is just one example since women raising their voices against all forms of gender-based violence and oppression including harassment, domestic violence, infidelity, sexual, financial, and emotional abuse, are often given similar labels. Arshad recounted another case, where a woman who confronted her in-laws about financial abuse was labelled “mad,” and pressurized into seeking psychiatric treatment.
“The woman’s anger, sadness, and frustration, which were normal reactions, were reframed as mental illness, because a woman expressing rage disrupts the cultural fantasy of the ever-sacrificing, soft-spoken daughter-in-law. When women challenge societal norms, they are often labeled as mentally unstable to discredit and silence them. This tactic can be subtle, like calling them “too emotional,” or more overt, through misusing psychiatric terms without a clinical basis. When used this way, psychiatry becomes a tool of discipline rather than healing, reinforcing the image of the obedient Pakistani woman and punishing those who resist,” observed Arshad.
Caged by fate
“May God bless you with a good naseeb.” For a girl growing up in Pakistan, every occasion, achievement, kind gesture or simple greeting is incomplete without this one banal prayer tightened around her neck like a choking noose. On the surface the wish seems heartfelt, however, there is a catch. With each repetition of the phrase, a woman is conveyed the bitter reality that both her fate and fortune lie not in who she becomes but in who and how well she marries.
In essence, a woman could be an accomplished highbrow but if by “fate” she remains single, ends up with an indolent fraud, or worse, is sent back home after divorce, then she will be doomed to live her life as an ill-fated spillover of the patriarchal paradise. By placing the entire burden of social acceptability on something out of their control, women are forced to settle for glaring red flags, compromise in abusive marriages and go to extreme lengths to fix their relationships.
Yet when the clock strikes 12 and all this fails, their pitiful worth in society is of little more than a shoeless Cinderella scurrying home after midnight. According to data obtained from the Fountain House, a prominent psychiatric facility in Lahore, 60 per cent of the patients brought in for treatment are divorced while 30 per cent are unmarried. At least 10 per cent of these women are not taken back by their relatives even after treatment.
“I have worked with women who were institutionalized, abandoned or shamed by their own families not because of any clinical condition, but simply because they got divorced or chose not to marry. As a result, women begin to internalize the idea that if they are not “chosen,” they must be flawed. Even successful, independent women often struggle with shame, self-doubt, and loneliness, not because they aren’t enough, but because the world around them keeps suggesting otherwise,” noted Arshad.
Unfortunately, this pressure of “being chosen” rarely ends with marriage, which is often the beginning of a lifelong scuffle, where the new bride is compelled to openly care for, silently compete with and gradually overthrow her arch nemesis, the mother-in-law, who too seeks to retain her power within the household. While in most cases, these everyday tussles end with trivial clashes and rehearsed tears, the fixation among women to monopolize the attention of the men in their lives can take a deadly turn. In 2024, a mother-in-law in Daska killed and mutilated her daughter-in-law because her son “cared for her too much”.
“The tragic case in Daska is an extreme, but the underlying emotions, jealousy, fear of being replaced, and insecurity are not uncommon. When women are denied direct access to power, be it financial, social, or personal, they often end up channeling their need for control into relationships. In many households, the only source of influence a woman might have is through her husband, son, or brother. Therefore, when another woman is simultaneously present in that space, it becomes a battle for validation and relevance. Mentally, this is exhausting since women are constantly stuck in survival mode,” commented Arshad.
Although some level of animosity between a daughter-in-law and mother-in-law is seemingly universal, in our society its severity is amplified by the fact that most housewives have no positive outlet to direct their energy apart from mundane household chores or vapid morning shows. Even today, female labor force participation is barely 25 per cent hence a large majority of women are stuck in a cycle of domesticity, which can inevitably breed negative behaviours and emotions.
“The lack of constructive outlets plays a huge role in emotional stagnation. Despite being incredibly capable, many women are boxed into homes without any creative or intellectual stimulation. The built-up frustration comes out through gossip, control, passive-aggression, or internalized resentment. Society tends to romanticize domesticity, but the truth is, when it’s not by choice, it can feel like a slow erosion of the self, leading to anxiety, low mood, and a loss of identity. Unless we normalize women seeking fulfillment beyond the home, whether through work, volunteering, hobbies, or social change, we’ll keep seeing this silent suffering repeat itself,” observed Arshad.
Language and pop culture
“Nothing shows a man’s character more than what he laughs at.” - Goethe. For the masses in our society, nothing proves a man’s sense of humour more than his ability to crack sexist jokes. Boring family gatherings, friends’ hangouts, WhatsApp groups and even comedy shows can be brought back to life by an effortless, brainless jibe aimed at the intellect of nagging wives or the road sense of female drivers.
“Misogynistic language used in daily life or pop culture sustains the sexist mindset which subjugates women's rationality as a subtle tactic of control. Generally, in social interactions, it is observed that women are taken to be intellectually low and are not seen as good decision makers. This is quite often verbalized through sexist jokes and regular comedy surrounding the husband-wife relationship, where wives and their mental faculties are belittled. Such interactions lower women’s self-esteem and confidence, convincing them that they are nothing without their family. Dependency and negativity lead to depression and anxiety,” noted Dr Jami.
On the other hand, Dr Rafique highlighted the fact that stigmatizing language, such as "pagal aurat" serves to further alienate women struggling with mental health issues. “This derogatory terminology perpetuates shame and fear of judgment, discouraging women from seeking help. The reliance on traditional healers instead of psychiatric intervention reflects a broader cultural misunderstanding of mental illness, which is often attributed to supernatural causes rather than psychological factors,” noted Dr Rafique.
Yet where everyday language serves to vilify women suffering from psychological issues, the local pop culture’s irresponsible portrayal of mental illnesses further fuels the flame of ignorance. Over the years and across various channels, quite a few highly rated television serials have shown the female antagonist "going mad" and ending up in a psychiatric asylum towards the end of the play as a means of serving justice.
“These portrayals do not just reflect stigma, they reinforce it. When dramas show a strong or outspoken woman “going mad” as punishment for her ambition, defiance, or anger, it sends a very clear message. If you step out of line, this is your fate. The psychiatric asylum becomes a metaphor for societal control. I’ve had clients use these dramas as reference points. Women say things like, “I don’t want to be like her on TV,” or “My family thinks I’ll end up like that character if I go to therapy.” creates fear not just of mental illness, but of seeking help. And that’s terrifying, because it stops people from healing,” claimed Arshad.
Beyond tropes and tranquilizers
Even as awareness on mental health is gradually increasing among people in the country, for women suffering from psychiatric ailments whether at home or a facility, the society, media and asylums offer little more than tropes and tranquilizers.
“What the media needs to show are nuanced, humane portrayals of women who struggle, seek support, recover, and live meaningful lives. We don’t need more “mad woman” tropes. We need stories that show resilience, growth, and emotional complexity. Because stigma isn’t just built through silence. It’s built through repeated caricatures of real pain,” emphasized Arshad.
When it comes to asylums, despite the Universal Declaration of Human Rights (UDHR) guaranteeing fundamental human rights to all people regardless of their mental status, in Pakistan once a patient is diagnosed with a mental ailment, they lose their right to be treated with dignity. Female patients are often subjected to physical and sexual abuse alongside being constrained in inhumane and unhygienic conditions.
“Unfortunately, the mental and psychiatric facilities sector is particularly unregulated because there is no board or regulatory body that oversees mental health professionals. Although the provinces have various legislations on mental health, implementation remains a challenge. The lack of regulation leads to mistreatment not being criminalized,” noted Qadir.
Another major issue plaguing women abandoned by their families at psychiatric asylums is that even when the doctors are convinced that the patient is mentally stable and can be discharged, they cannot leave the facility until or unless their family members agree to take them home. As a result, some women end up spending their entire lives locked away in confinement purely because nobody at home wants them back.
“This is also the case with many women who have to remain in abusive marriages since their families do not want them back. This is where the duty of the state comes in. The establishment of Women Protection Centers could provide women with a place to live as well as an opportunity to learn some skills and earn an income. Hence, in cases where society fails to safeguard women, it is the state’s responsibility to step in,” implored Qadir.
While pondering over how awareness on gender-based violence can be spread in society, Qadir opined that public service messages through ads on Radio Pakistan, PTV, and call waiting can be extremely beneficial for a slow mindset shift. “I also believe that it is critical to incorporate courses on human rights laws, and gender-based violence into the public education system to raise awareness among children from a young age. This is particularly important in the context of women since they are systemically suppressed in Pakistan,” concluded Qadir.
With additional data reporting by Asif Mahmood