Frailty, thy name is marriage now

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Matrimonial relationships have never been more fragile despite being morally bound and legally secured. The two parties in the relationship, sometimes after weathering the early hitches and glitches caused by temperamental clashes and/or external influences, come to terms with each other and enjoy the nuptial bliss. However, doubt over a man's patriarchal potential or a woman's fidelity can irreparably damage a marriage.

We can't pass a blanket judgement on any one gender for souring the matrimonial bliss. Circumstances vary from family to family, as Leo Tolstoy says: "All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." And I have selected two unhappy families.

In the first case, the husband is the sole earner for his wife, a divorced sister having a daughter, and a maternal uncle's orphaned daughter. He is embroiled in the family politics, ending with his wife demanding a separate residence despite having the second story of her husband's six-marla house all to herself. The husband can neither afford separate lodging for his wife nor leave his dependents, who are all women. Moreover, it would be difficult for him to maintain work-life balance in such circumstances. The wife is now living at her parents' house along with her married brothers and their extended families.

In the other case, family conflicts or the aspiration to live an unencumbered life force a wife to leave her one-year-old daughter with her in-laws, consisting just of a father-in-law and the husband. The father-in-law cannot babysit his granddaughter because of his old age and failing health. He takes the baby to his married daughter and gives her the responsibility of bringing up the child. The married daughter is a working woman who has her own three children to take care of.

The married daughter faces problems as her husband and children claim their own due share of undivided care and attention. She is torn apart between her familial duties and matrimonial responsibilities. She is taunted that she never sacrificed so much for her own family. She defends it, saying that one can afford a lapse in caring for one's own children but not in the case of others' children. But neither the husband nor their children stand by her. The result is that her own married life becomes chaotic, teetering on the verge of breakup.

In both cases, no factor comes up as potent enough to threaten the relationship. Yes, just a lack of empathy, a little lack of understanding of each other's position. I am not saying that one should not try luck for better chances. I have never been against moving on at all.

The wife in the former case should have provided emotional reinforcement to her husband for supporting the three women morally and financially. The husband doesn't agree to the wife's demands, not because of his own personal interests or ego. How could he leave the other three women helpless?

In the second case, the husband must have stood by his wife because taking care of her brother's daughter wasn't her independent choice. Rather, it was her filial duty. Later, her brother reconciled with his wife and took his daughter back, yet his sister would continue facing resentment from her husband and their children.

What to speak of the durability of a relationship if it fails to survive the slight circumstantial pushes? A relationship remains fragile as long as both the parties contest what benefits the relationship holds for them instead of thinking about what investment each one is pouring in.

Given our cultural norms, social taboos, upbringing of children and hurdles to matchmaking and remaking, the scenarios demand pause, rethinking and decision-making based on the larger good.

In Eastern culture, the idea of premarital understanding doesn't exist. The idealist approach to searching for a perfect match is a mirage in our culture. To respect and love the other with all their failings and infirmities is the test of one's own loving nature.

With every right comes a corresponding duty. Respecting spousal and filial duties must be given a chance before making any hard decisions. Marriage is about honouring commitment every day. Companionship is not a right. It's something to be earned.