Jane Austen has never wrecked anyone's life

In the two centuries or so since her soothing observations of the pains of repeated dinner invitations were unfurled before us, has Jane Austen ever managed to wreck anyone's life?

We Austen fangirls (and fanboys; we do not shun the small handful of male readers keen to join our esteemed subset) already know the answer - but for anyone wishing to dig deeper, French director Laura Piani's aptly named feature-length debut Jane Austen Wrecked My Life, ready for a global release on May 23, provides further clues.

Of course, some of you may already have more exciting events pencilled in on your calendar, filmwise. The more adventurous amongst you may be counting down the minutes until you can fully appreciate Tom Cruise's Ethan Hunt dangling off yet another moving vehicle in the upcoming Mission: Impossible (The Final Reckoning) come May 21. One can only hope that this truly is Ethan's final reckoning, because he is running out of vehicles from which it is humanly possible to dangle from. (If the trailers are to be believed, Ethan opts for a biplane this time, although he may need to move on to a tricycle or push chair in future if he wants to keep this up.)

Action fans, step aside

However, for those of you who remain obtuse to the appeal of Ethan's exhausting cardio activities over the course of his spy career, a gentle rom-com whose title appears to apportion all sorts of blame at poor Austen's door is the balm to a soul battered by senseless sequels and pithy prequels. Jane Austen Wrecked My Life speaks to the heart of every fan of the original mistress of chick lit. Parisian aspiring writer Agathe (Camille Rutherford) aches to be wooed by a hero inhabiting Austen's pages, and takes one giant step closer to this wispy dream by accepting a place at a Jane Austen Writers' residency in England.

Being received by a man who we are informed is Austen's great-great-great-something nephew, Agathe's disgust is palpable when her host makes the unspeakable declaration, "I find her work overrated." Looking not unlike one who has found a slug nestled in her salad, Agathe declares in French, "He is unbearable." As well she ought to. If you are amongst those who loathe subtitles with a sulphurous passion, by the way, you can temporarily shelve that loathing for this half-English, half-French love triangle. With the great-great-great-something nephew full of prejudice against the mistress of chick lit and our heroine nursing wounded pride at his idiotic taste in prose, there is no Sherlock-esque mystery in working out which hero Agathe will be persuaded to join forces with. But of course, like anything crafted by our dear Jane, the joy lies in not the destination, but the journey.

Another Austen film? Really?

By now, those of you who have yet to watch the trailer may be hosting dreamy visions of a modern-day Pride and Prejudice with a touch of Persuasion sprinkled in. You are strongly advised to rein in such flights of fancy. Jane Austen Wrecked My Life is a love letter to the woman who provided a blueprint for all chick lit to follow, much in the same way way that La La Land paid homage to a Hollywood that died decades ago - but beyond that, it will pay no more homage Austen's Regency period than Bridgerton pretends to.

Jane Austen Wrecked My Life notwithstanding, there is no gap in the market waiting to be filled by Austen mania, and, the further filmmakers stay away from it, the better it is for us all. There is not a single Austen fan who needs to see another heroine who can produce nosebleeds on command (Emma 2020), nor an Anne Elliot who waxes lyrical about exes (Persuasion 2022). Going even further back, die-hard Emma Thompson fans may channel their inner fire-breathing dragon upon encountering anyone who dares speak ill of the 1995 version of Sense and Sensibility, but perhaps it would have been no bad thing had we been spared Thompson's Eleanor Dashwood being courted by a wooden Hugh Grant who looks as though he wandered off the set of Four Weddings and a Funeral.

And since are already treading these dangerous grounds, let it also be known that whilst director Ang Lee's version may have been wrong to inform a young and terrified Kate Winslet that she would "get better", there are not many of us who needed to watch Winslet's Marianne paired up with Alan Rickman's awkward Colonel Brandon, with both actors having as much chemistry as two north-facing magnets forced together. Sorry, Sense and Sensibility. You deserved so much better.

Should we set fire to all adaptations?

Heavens, no. Where would pop culture be without the original Bridget Jones' heavy leanings on Pride and Prejudice? What would the '90s have looked like without the Emma-inspired American teen drama Clueless starring a blonde Alicia Silverstone and a Paul Rudd who, now, looks barely half a day older than he did back in 1995?

Despite Netflix's latest disastrous attempts, it would be scandalous to write off all Austen adaptations on the basis of random nosebleeds and like magnets, because - as we all know by now - the 1995 version of Pride and Prejudice starring Colin Firth, a lake, and a wet shirt exists to prove otherwise. The gold standard against which all adaptations ought to be measured, this work of art may be thirty years old, but with dialogue lifted straight from the text capturing Austen's wit like a genie in a bottle, this BBC miniseries is the key to unlocking a delight of literature that may otherwise forever have been guarded by the fortress of a deeply uninviting cover.

Meanwhile, Gwyneth Paltrow's take on Emma (1996), released the following year, proved that you do need neither six hours nor a floppy-haired blank-faced Hugh Grant to successfully transfer page to screen. For those of you who have not yet discovered this almost three-decade-old treasure and are put off by Paltrow's take on lifestyle matters, try to forget about this actor-turned-lifestyle-blogger's painful lessons on bed-making. With Paltrow assuming a flawless English accent, here is the Emma we all deserved, and the one we still have should anyone care to dust it off and rediscover it. Starring a charming, Jeremy Northam as Mr Knightley, a delightfully obtuse Alan Cumming as Mr Elton and a pitch-perfect snooty Juliet Stevenson as Mrs Elton, this gem of an adaptation is laced with wit, humour and a Mr Knightley who sets hearts pounding even as he admonishes his lady love for her wayward antics.

No truer words were spoken than when Agathe from Jane Austen Wrecked My Life muses, "I believe that some books become a part of our life, because they reveal to us our true nature." To paraphrase Agathe, some adaptations become the fabric of our lives. They reveal to us a world that may have been lost to time forever. Bring them on - but without the nosebleeds. Please.

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