Operation Only-Kapoor launched

KARACHI:

India recently pulled a Paul Heyman on Pakistan turned heel. As a consequence, all Pakistani celebrities who ever worked in Bollywood have pulled a John Cena, because you can't see them.

Since the ceasefire, Bollywood is erasing Pakistani artists from all posters, thumbnails and marketing materials across their platforms. It's created this digital bizarro-world where characters disappear mysteriously. This Twilight Zone-esque parallel universe of Bollywood where no Pakistani artist exists, and hence, the remaining characters interact with empty air molecules or their narratives shift dramatically, is an amusing idea that could be a lore of its own – a fictional contemporary version of 16th century North Carolina's Roanoke Colony.

Strange disappearances

The first casualty of this strange phenomenon was Mawra Hocane, who was removed from the poster of her 2015 film Sanam Teri Kasam on Spotify.

Sanam is gone, guys. Now the film should be just called Teri Kasam since the poster now only shows Harshvardhan Rane, standing shirtless and with his back half turned, brooding over a splash of colours as if is being forced into an arranged marriage with the red paint and asked to pose for wedding photos. Ismail please!

It's a good thing Saru's father held his nerdy daughter's funeral early in the film. The man was ahead of the times and saw Saru ghosting Inder and possibly eloping with Cena. Poor, shirtless Inder. But hey, at least, no one pinky swore to marry him and died right after signing the nikkah certificate.

Ali Zafar… I mean Luv's brother (not Danyal Zafar) didn't steal his brother ki dulhan. Imran Khan (no, the other one) and his wife lived happily ever after since Zafar didn't exactly 'Luv' his dysfunctional family and kept his distance. I say, good for him.

In Om Shanti Om, Javed Shaikh never got into an accident that killed Om Prakash Makhija. His wife gave birth to a son but they didn't name him Om Kapoor nor called him OK The child was named Osama Baksh. They call him O Bey, and he obeys his parents. The tragedy, however, is that Shanti Priya never got justice.

In Tamasha, Ranbir Kapoor later met Sandy (Shanti Priya's doppelganger) in Corsica. But RK never recovered from his trauma, because his father left a long time ago. He continued his 9-5 and never became a theatre director.

In another chapter, Adhyayan Suman never touches Humayun Saeed's heart with his song. It's not that Humayun has no emotions, he just didn't attend the concert since the 'Jashn' wasn't big enough and Backstreet Boys cancelled their appearance last minute.

There's no Zaalima to romance with Shah Rukh Khan in Raees track's thumbnail either.

Fawad Khan, on the other hand, disappeared entirely out of Milli's life. Milli turned out to be the 41st doctor to quit treating the king and never met or fell in love with the Rajasthani prince. She was later kidnapped by filmmaker Anurag Kashyap but rescued, and went on to Maskali her way through life.

Meanwhile Fawad got sick of the royal lifestyle. For a while, he considered stealing his brother's manuscript to publish under his own name and become a famous writer, but his conscience didn't allow him. Kapoor and Sons lived not-so-happily ever after, despite Fawad's absence.

Fawad, though, went on to become a successful DJ but never met Alizeh (Anushka Sharma). She never became his 'aadat'. My guy Ranbir played the long time and eventually convinced her to marry him. She pretended to be in love with him for the rest of her life, which, fortunately for her, wasn't very long.

There's also a possibility that Bollywood uses AI to remove Pakistani artists from entire films but the actors behave as if nothing has changed. Neither the audience nor the cast can hear them, but they pretend they are there. I mean, if we can play along with R-Truth's Lil Jimmy, this shouldn't be a big deal.

Instrumentals

Speaking of habits, Atif Aslam's Aadat never became the anthem for Kalyug. But what will Kunal jam to while he works out and gets ready for revenge? How will the montage be edited without the iconic alaap and the subsequent beautiful gibberish?

Who will now shine like a setting sun like a pearl upon the ocean? Who, I ask, will come and heal us? The people demand answers.

Madhuri Dixit will have a good arc, though, since no 'jaahil zamana' will be her enemy. No re piya, Dia, and no heartbreaking melody to dance to. Mustafa Zahid's Tera Mera Rishta is muted as well. Now Emraan Hashmi roams around streets, deep into his Awarapan, not to free doves but seeking a melody to hum.

The Andalusian Dog

While this list could be endless, this pretense that Pakistani artists haven't had a significant impact in Bollywood is quite hilarious on its own. This attempt at 'purifying' Bollywood of its foreign enemy contaminants only makes one pay more attention to it. That's not to overestimate Pakistani influence on Bollywood but one can't deny the star power and contributions of local artists.

You can't imagine anyone beside Fawad Khan as DJ Ali. You can't think of Kalyug or Zeher and not remember Atif's hits. In fact, the films may have been forgotten at this point, but the music is still alive (rejoice, Don McLean).

Certain Bollywood films would feel like absurd sequences akin to Salvador Dali and Luis Buñuel's Un Chien Andalou (The Andalusian Dog, 1929). It'd look like as if David Lynch directed overly long musical episodes of Black Mirror with a crossover with Twin Peaks where Pakistani actors are replaced with inanimate objects like David Bowie with a glowing orb (albeit it was after his death).

If Lars von Trier can have Nicole Kidman pretend she's in a small town while on an empty soundstage with chalk marks, anything can happen.

Regardless, this weird strategy to pretend, even if only in posters and thumbnails so far, that Pakistani artists never worked in Bollywood, that the industry is disinfected from the likes of Atif and Fawad, is quite an amusing but ridiculous step. It speaks to the increasing anti-Muslim hatred in India. While the country is being reshaped to fit that fantasy, even the fantasy world of cinema is being molded according to the absurd 'Muslim-free utopia' ideology of Modi.

The step is akin to keyboard warriors picking old films and cancelling dead actors for their outdated views online. It serves zero purpose and benefits nobody. You can change your future, but attempting to erase history is as futile a task as rolling a boulder up the mountain for eternity. But hey, at least, we can imagine Sisyphus happy.

Paap Culture is a column about cynical commentary on bizarre pop culture happenings