Sharks don't care about your period

This here is a little ode dedicated to the segment of the population frequented by periods. Those who have been groomed into a strict code of silence relating to the very utterance of the p-word may, of course, continue to refer to it by its charming moniker Aunt Flo, the aptly named Red Monster, or the all-encompassing Time of the Month. For those who need a refresher, and for those who just want to be seen, validated, and embraced, here is a reminder of the less-talked issues surrounding menstruation.

Not always on time

If you are a practicing Muslim who likes to be regular with prayers, perhaps you subscribe to the school of thought that says a coat of nail polish renders your ablution invalid. If describes you, you can forget about scheduling a nail-painting session in advance. You may begin to think you have mastered your timings, but as you age, your cycle begins to shift. As the American College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists tells us, a typical cycle for a teenage girl may be 21 to 45 days. Over time, thanks to hormonal peaks and troughs within your body, this cycle can get shorter, ranging from 21 to 35 days. Gradual life changes are part of the process; however, unusual changes such as missed or heavy periods require medical attention. Download a period tracker app to keep on top of your cycle and help ward off the unexpected. Speak with your doctor if the length of your cycle changes suddenly.

Pads are not your only friend

If you are a solid pad girl, you may most likely be put off by the prospect of tampons. In that case, you will most assuredly be even more horrified by the prospect of a menstrual cup, which sits in your vaginal canal to collect, rather than absorb, blood. However, those who have transitioned from pads to cups swear by them and report more comfort than ever, having waved goodbye to the fear of unplanned leaks and stains. If you have never used a menstrual cup before, you may be appalled by the prospect of leaving this rubbery object (which now looks freakishly large) inside your body. However, not only is it more environmentally friendly, a menstrual cup is simple to insert once you have watched a tutorial online. Once you have conquered your fears, your new silicone friend will give you the serenity of mind no disposable pad apt to slipping can hope to offer.

Copper coil makes things worse

Women who are exploring contraceptive options may consider having a copper coil, or an intrauterine device, inserted. A copper IUD ostensibly guarantees peace of mind in the sense that once it is inside you, you are free from the hassle of remembering to take pills. However, according to the NHS website, a copper coil is also known for inducing heavy periods – so heavy that you will have no choice but to swap out that pad every two hours on the first couple of days of your cycle. In case all this was not hideous enough, not only do periods become heavier, they also hang around for longer. In effect, if your period was a person, a copper coil would be your period on steroids. Tread lightly when exploring this option if prolonged and more painful periods are something you wish to avoid.

Yes, you can still swim

The arrival of your period should not mean banishment from the pool if swimming is part of your fitness routine. Whilst pads are useless in this area, menstrual cups and tampons are unlikely to spell a bloody fashion disaster when you enter the water. And despite what you may have been led to believe in Kathy Lette's novel How To Kill Your Husband (And Other Handy Household Hints), sharks will not hunt you down in the unlikely event that you plan an open water swim in shark-infested waters during your period. As Penn Medicine baldly states, sharks do not care if you are on your period, since period blood is tempered with mucus and secretions from the uterus. Sharks, apparently, will not favour this over any old open-water swimmer.

Why the shame?

We may be almost a quarter of the way through the twenty-first century, but the shame and gaslighting women in Pakistan experience when it comes to menstruation continues to thrive in full bloom. Whether young girls are forced to partake in a charade pretending they are fasting (lest they besmirch their honour before males in their orbit) or shrivel up in embarrassment at the prospect of leaving a tell-tale bowl in the sink before those same fasting brothers or fathers or uncles, the message remains incontestably true. Periods are a source of shame and must never be spoken of, or even obliquely referred to. Lest you forget this at your peril, you can rest assured that a stern world-weary pursed-lip older woman will be on hand to remind you.

It is up to the next generation of slowly ageing women to set fire to all this needless shame. This is a monthly phenomenon that requires you to wear the equivalent of diapers, leaves a foul metallic taste in your mouth, and essentially banishes you from wearing pastels. (Cups or no cups, white is temporarily out of the question.) It involves impromptu rushed trips to the loo. It is, at best, a recurring nuisance, and at worst, a monthly phenomenon inducing debilitating pain and a hot water bottle. A bodily function that makes you bleed every month, wreaks havoc with your hormones begets sympathy, not shame.

A final tip

Since we are preaching to the choir here, you will all be aware that not only do periods cause bleeding and nauseating cramps, they also turn everyone around you into bonafide idiots. The medically accepted reason is hormones; as your hormones fluctuate throughout your cycle, they bring with them mood swings that nobody cares for, which usually translates into nuclear rage aimed at everyone in your vicinity. No medical journal or doctor will tell you this, but one way of muting the morons in your surroundings is to look up Get Set Go's beautiful track I Hate Everyone. Those lyrics will speak to your soul and act as a balm to your troubled heart. Listen to it on repeat. Use headphones.