Wield weapons, set boundaries

Instead of gol rotis, here is what we should be teaching our girls

Slough

I have two daughters. I say this not to brag, but to express how disquieting it is to have brought two individuals into a world containing men who are happy to pound a woman's face just because she will not succumb to blind obedience. Just ask Nargis.

For those not in the know, the former actor has brought charges against her husband, alleging him of assault. To back up her statement, she has supplied a horrific video depicting her bruised face. Her friend and actor Resham has informed us that these photos are a sanitised version of what she has seen in person. The husband, meanwhile, has so far evaded arrest and secured interim bail. He has also released his own statement to the media, which reads in part, "Disputes happen in every home."

It will astonish no one to learn that Nargis is not the first, nor the last, woman to have been embroiled in such a 'dispute'. Let us then take a step back to reassess just what skills we need to equip our girls to ensure that they can combat a world hell-bent on dishing out 'disputes'.

Self-defence 101

Should we get them shooting lessons? Should they carry pepper spray every time they leave the house lest they encounter (or worse, marry) gun-toting brigands? Do we enrol them in Judo lessons? I'm sure Judo would have helped actor Hina Bayat, who recently regaled us all on a morning show with a tale of a self-righteous man some years ago who attempted to teach her to cover her head with a dupatta in a shop, of all places. Hina did not have Judo at her disposal, but fortunately, she had an armload of shopping that she managed to wield as a weapon to repel this unwanted specimen, turning a deaf ear to everyone's sympathetic pleas to "leave him alone".

So maybe we can forget about Judo and remind ourselves that literally any object (such as a shoe or a bag of shopping) can suffice in a flight-or-fight situation. In this spirit, let us consider another cautionary tale of where a woman had to physically defend herself—this time featuring model Areej Chaudhary, an errant taxi driver, an ominous motorcycle gang, and a deserted road at night.

Speaking on the same morning show as Hina, Areej recalled that she had been on her phone at the back of the taxi when she noticed the driver muttering into his own phone, gliding to a halt in front of a motorcycle gang.

"I realised he had been coordinating it the whole time," said Areej. Sadly for the taxi driver, Areej had a very sharp, pointy surprise hidden in her purse, which she subsequently aimed at his head before instructing him to drive away as fast as he could. As bonus motivation, Areej withdrew from her bag a second knife she carried for special times like these and placed it upon his thigh. Fortunately for everyone, the driver got the message and did as he was told. Areej was soon able to safely leave the car without any further escapades.

A hobby is a lifeline

Whether or not a robust knowledge of Judo or an abundance of knives would have helped Nargis escape her plight is anyone's guess. As Resham tells us of her dear friend, "She left behind everything that her husband didn't like. In pursuit of a happy marriage, I can swear that this woman did everything to please her husband. She never did anything except humbly agree to everything he said, but to no avail."

Such blind devotion to appease a man is a quality as highly prized as making rotis as round as a frisbee and sanctioned with grave promises of a heavenly afterlife. What no one tells you, however, is that offering blind devotion never enriches your earthly life. So perhaps whilst we may not need to shell out for those Judo lessons just yet, what we really need to do is to tell our girls to find something to love (not a husband or child) that is just theirs, be it a vocation or a hobby. Whether it is picking up a guitar or learning how to knit, a hobby can be a lifeline when everything around you falls apart, although Nature Medicine explains just why in much greater detail in a study published online. Knitting a blanket may not save you from a 'dispute' - but knowing that you don't have to pack away your yarn just because a man says so can be all the motivation you need to take a stand.

Reprogramme men

If you do not have the time or inclination for a hobby, an equally worthy goal is to train the boys of today so they can leave future generations of women in peace. Start by teaching your son how to operate a toaster and give him a tutorial on boiling eggs. By observing their own fathers, men have long since learned how to con any woman into cooking for them. Having been thus programmed, they are primed to employ a high dose of emotional blackmail when they acquire wives, usually via the sentence, "We have defined roles in the family." It is time to cure men's pathological fear of 'women's work' so that they know what to do when a zombie apocalypse hits. Ideally, of course, it would be fabulous if the boys of today - who will be the men of tomorrow - could learn how to treat women with respect without the threat of a zombie apocalypse hanging over their heads.

Protect your circle

Once you have secured a hobby, find your core group of friends. For heaven's sake do not sacrifice those friendships because a man tells you to. As Oprah Daily tells us, one of the reasons women outlive men is their strong social network. Having someone to talk to outside your family is crucial to survival. Moreover, a man is statistically likely to die before his wife (with or without that zombie apocalypse), especially since Pakistani culture rather insists on wives being younger than their husbands. Do not let a man be the only person you talk to. You are going to be twiddling your thumbs for a long time after he pops off.

Finally, the most important thing to remember is to draw your boundaries. Boundaries are not a line in the sand to be brushed over or washed away at will. They should be made of sturdy stuff - as sturdy as the self-confidence of the man driven to school Hina in the first place. Sling out anything that trespasses your borders and threatens your peace of mind, your self-respect, or your safety. And of course, keep those knitting needles in your purse, lest you run into Areej's taxi driver.