The ultimate IST assist

A sleep-deprived perfectionist's guide to seeing it all in Istanbul

LONDON:

If you're reading this to find out more about a relaxing holiday in Istanbul, this isn't the place for you. No, this is the kind of trip where rest is an annoying hindrance to your quest for sightseeing. This means taking the earliest possible flight and forgoing some functionality. At 3 AM, while the rest of the world was in REM sleep, my friend and co-owner of our one cabin bag were at the front of the check-in line. Yes, we took turns sitting on our suitcase while the other zipped it closed, and yes, we're cheap. Or practical. Same thing.

The itinerary obsession

Let me tell you, this trip was planned with the precision of a military operation. I had our itinerary nailed down weeks in advance after scouring TikTok, YouTube, and Google. I knew every tram number (T1 is a personal favourite, it takes you everywhere), every closing time of every mosque, and even the best way to avoid the charming men lining the streets up to these attractions yelling compliments aimed at your grace and beauty, trying to entice you to buy something - anything. Stay strong, avoid eye contact and walk on. If they clock that you're Desi, they'll throw in a "chalo chalo" as well.

We arrived in Istanbul and headed straight to Sultan Ahmet, where our hotel was strategically located to maximise our sightseeing potential (and minimise our chance of getting lost, which is essential when your day starts before dawn). The Blue Mosque and Hagia Sophia, like two old friends who live across the courtyard from each other, were our first stops. Now, a little tip: if you happen to arrive at prayer time and the doors close on you, don't worry. Just whip out that headscarf you packed, head inside, and join the jammat. Not only do you get to see the breathtaking interiors, but you also save yourself the entrance fees. A tip: don't wear expensive shoes since you'll have to leave them unattended while you explore.

Next on our list was the Basilica Cistern, where you can wander among the eerily lit columns that once stored water for the Byzantine emperors. You'll feel like you've stepped into an underground kingdom, which is cool unless you're claustrophobic—then it's less cool. All of this should take you approximately three to four hours (line times and impromptu photoshoots included).

We rounded out the day with a visit to the Grand Bazaar, which is like a giant maze filled with all the things you don't need but desperately want. After successfully resisting the urge to buy a fake Birken bag, we headed back to the hotel, with just enough energy left for a sunset Bosphorus cruise. Imagine cruising down the river, watching the sun dip below the horizon while belly dancers perform on deck. It's one of those touristy things you'll be glad you did, trust me.

Scam central

Day two started with the Topkapi Palace, a place so big that by the time we finished, I felt like I'd personally walked every single hallway Sultan Mehmed II ever strolled down. We paid way too much for online tickets (curse you, GetYourGuide), only to discover we could have gotten them for a third of the price at the door. Rookie mistake.

From there, we hopped on the T1 (yes, again) to Kabata? on the European side and walked to Dolmabahçe Palace, famous for its Insta-worthy gates opening up to the Bosphorus. After buying tickets at the gate (we finally learned) and wandering around the grounds, we tackled the Galata Tower. But let me warn you, getting to Galata is not for the faint-hearted. The hill is steep, and your quads will scream, but it's worth it. Once you reach it, reward yourself with a San Sebastián cheesecake. It's TikTok-famous for a reason, and if you're not a cheesecake fan, well, you haven't tried this one.

To balance out our sugar intake, we ventured to Balat, the so-called colourful neighbourhood that Instagram loves. Here's the thing: it's overhyped. The trek uphill is brutal, and the payoff is a few colourful houses that look better in photos than they do in real life. If you skip this, you won't miss much, except maybe a few calories burned.

Saving the best for last

Our final day started with an ill-advised trip to Prince's Islands. The internet promised a historically preserved town with horse-drawn carriages on an idyllic, motor-vehicle-free island. What we got instead was a motorbike-infested tourist trap with zero horses and even less charm. After a disappointing two-hour ferry ride, we found ourselves having an underwhelming waterfront meal. A complete waste of time, especially for someone like me who treats time on trips as precious as gold.

Back on the mainland, we tried to salvage the day with a visit to Hafiz Mustafa, the baklava guru of Istanbul. The baklava was as good as they say, and you can't resist boxing some up to bring home even if your suitcase protests. When choosing where to eat, there will be countless restaurants lining the streets near attractions, and they'll look great and Instagrammable, but the food will be far from it. They'll also try and stick you with what they call "premium water" which costs around 5 dollars a pop. My recommendation would be Nus-ret, home of the famous #saltbae. While it's an indigestion-inducing 300 dollars per person abroad, in its home country it's a quarter of that.

We wrapped up our trip with a visit to a traditional hammam. If you've never been, prepare to have every ounce of stress (and dead skin) scrubbed away. We booked Cagaloglu Hammam, one of the oldest in the city, and it was an experience worth every penny.