At the age of 75

I was born as a twin on the 27^th of Ramadan (August 14, 1947) to my jubilant parents living in an otherwise hostile neighbourhood. It was not a normal birth (some doctors had even warned of a miscarriage) and so I suffered many health-related problems including malnutrition, low weight and heart defects. Miraculously, however, I not only survived but also showed tremendous progress in the ensuing years thanks mostly to some favourable changes in the ecosystem. But this progress happened to be short lived. Now at the age of 75, although not very old, I have severe health problems that, if not cured, might prove fatal!

Most of my problems today are psychological. Top of the list is schizophrenia —a long-term mental disorder of a type involving a breakdown in the relation between thought, emotion and behaviour, leading to faulty perception. One part of this disorder is delusion that I have been suffering from for so long. What happens to me on a daily basis is my inability to give up beliefs or back off from opinion even if there is overwhelming evidence to the contrary. I spend too much of my time and energy thinking that everyone is conspiring against me to the extent that I do not trust even my own kids and siblings.

My other serious problem is dementia. It is the loss of cognitive functioning — thinking, remembering and reasoning — which has now become so severe that it interferes with my daily life and activities. I cannot make sense of history — my previous experiences — and make erroneous judgements on the basis of most vivid but selective events popping up in my mind with irregular pattern. Biased judgment, in turn, creates problems of faulty decisions with grave implications for my personal development, career and social relations.

Because of some perception of grandiosity, jealousy or geographical distance, I developed bad relations with my twin brother at a very early age. Not knowing that small problems could have ripple effects and devastating consequences, I looked the other way whenever he approached me with some grievance about resource distribution and participation in strategic decisions. Instead of acting responsibly, I would give him shut-up calls, call him names, and do other mischievous things to establish boss-subordinate relationship. This state of ugly affairs continued until 1971 when my brother decided to split in a way that caused irreparable damage to our relationship. I did not learn a lesson from this tragedy and instead attributed it to clandestine shenanigans of a hostile neighbour.

What happened in 1971 was partially a blessing in disguise. I thought to myself that the only way to deter my neighbour from aggression was to acquire a strategic weapon. Since the weapon was not available in the open market, I had to develop it through stealth means putting in a huge amount of money and manpower into it. It was a long and difficult journey but the culmination in 1998 gave me a sense of achievement and impregnability. Now the enemy would think ten times before firing a shot! This weapon has, however, created some apprehensions among far-off foes and they express their displeasure in many different ways but I have stood firm vis-à-vis this lethal weapon.

Now I have my own complete family — four sons and two daughters — that I have brought up as biological organisms who have nothing in common except the physical space they live in. I never invested in their emotional/spiritual development and physical wellbeing. They are mostly engaged in turf wars with my elder son always sitting in the driving seat and enjoying all sources of power. Besides internal divisions, my family does not have a permanent source of income. I have depended on friends and financial institutions for sustenance. The debt burden accumulated over the years has broken my back and now it poses existential threat. Getting more loans, besides having many strings attached, has become a challenge.

There has been and continues to be an atmosphere of confrontation all around. It has weakened my family and does not have the capacity to deal with daunting challenges. Who creates this whirlwind and who benefits from the resulting chaos is difficult to determine. I need some expert psychiatrist to help me overcome my paranoia, delusions and other psychological problems that, I hope, will address all other problems (financial and social) to ultimately enable me to live a normal life. May Allah help me at this age of 75! Ameen.

Published in The Express Tribune, August 24^th, 2022.

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