Swiping right: Slim pickings for online daters

After endlessly swiping through pictureless profiles on dating apps, Ali Shah still hasn't found the ‘one’ -- or really anyone -- to get serious with.

In the ultra-conservative country, where arranged marriages are the norm, he says many women choose to stay anonymous, making online dating matches tricky.

"It's slim pickings," sighs the 36-year-old entrepreneur who lives in the federal capital, saying friends have called him "desperate" after going on dozens of dates over the past three years to little avail.

Unlike in many countries, where meeting people online is routine, people who use dating apps in Pakistan regularly face harassment and judgmental relatives -- and now also have to contend with a government clampdown.

Women users, in particular, fear possible retribution and often reveal little about themselves -- using cartoons, avatars, or rand om pictures of nature instead of their headshot as the profile photo.

"Girls aren't comfortable... so they don't really put their pictures or their real names. So it's a guessing game," explains Shah.

The self-described conversationalist relies instead on humorous ice breakers with new matches to kickstart chats and only asks for a picture if the potential date is comfortable and possibly up for a meeting.

"Most of the time I'm just left swiping because there aren't any pictures. There's no real information. The names are not there," adds Shah.

"I don't blame women for being so careful. I actually think it's very smart."

Securing a date, though, is just the first hurdle.

In the self-proclaimed "Land of the Pure" -- where sexual relations outside marriage, and homosexuality, are punishable with prison sentences -- dating culture is unfamiliar.

"People don't really understand the concept (of dating) in Pakistan," explains Shah, who started to use apps to find new people after his divorce.

"You meet them once or twice and then they will be like 'we are looking for something serious'."

A 27-year-old woman from Islamabad, who was brave enough to post her real photos and name, told AFP that it was "kind of taboo to be on Tinder".

"I was getting phone calls from friends saying 'I can't believe you're on Tinder'," she said, asking not to be named, adding that she has connected with both women and men.

But she eventually deleted the app once business clients started trying to interact with her on it.

She says some of her friends who were willing to take the risk have found varying levels of success, but only after going on carefully planned dates.

"What we do when a friend of ours is going on a Tinder date, we normally just hang out at the same place," she adds. "We make it sort of safe."

If finding love online was already difficult, authorities last month banned Tinder, Grindr and other popular dating apps for failing to "moderate" their content.

The move dealt a fresh blow to what is already a niche scene in the country of 220 million people, where most online users come from the middle and upper classes in Pakistan's urban areas.

The ban leaves other apps such as Minder and Bumble outside the dragnet, while savvy users like Shah have already resorted to using VPNs to bypass the prohibition for popular platforms like Tinder.

Published in The Express Tribune, October 13^th, 2020.