Scorn Republic: Quarantinfidelity

Sweltering heat tends to drive people a bit off-kilter. Add to that, day twenty nine hundred (or so it seems) of quarantine and you have a guaranteed recipe to disgruntled, irritable and melt-down ready emotional wrecks. That’s what the entire sect of elites has now become, a hot mess of domestic violence, irritated wives who are for the first time without domestic help, and of course, there is no respite in terms of school for toddlers to teens, college for young hormone driven adults and office for the crankypants of the house. Is it then coincidential that we also have a whole new crop of keyboard warriors and social media wars that would put to shame, Trump’s Russia-supported electoral campaign!

And every new day a new issue pops up, one that affects our psyche and forces us to divide in our opinions! One can't imagine the public uproar over a private issue between a man, his wife and a third can cause, especially when there is so little going on in people’s lives otherwise. The hint of infidelity, a whiff of a secret romance, the option to discuss others' marital issues and we have ourselves living vicariously through the lives of others. No wonder our TV dramas are so reflective of this psyche.

The shocking Nikkah of a popular TV actor and a popular model broke out on social media. The angst of many was triggered. This time something shocking happened. The nation came together to mock and ridicule, shame and belittle this couple over a completely “halal” Nikkah. But what’s the awaam if they don’t find a divide? And here it was: Some women went on to praise actor's ex-wife, also a popular actor for keeping completely mute through her recent divorce and the remarriage of her former husband, while others demanded her to speak up. I for one, can understand the selective mutism when you have thousands of fans to speak on your behalf, without ever asking them to do so. Not every woman has that privilege, so situations matter in reactions, is what I say.

The absolute latest in the scandalous lives of the elite has been a rather alarming number of students who raised their collective voice against faculty members who sexually harassed them at an elite institution in Lahore. So you see, social media isn’t all that evil, because these girls, these sheroes, managed to make enough noise to have these teachers expelled. Let’s hope there are criminal charges too, because there is a whole body of evidence of their “less-than-ideal” behaviour towards these adolescent girls. Sometimes, I’m really proud of the heaving mess of burger-bunkebab fusion that we become. Why? If we didn’t adapt at least some values from the “open” cultures of the west, our girls would have never had the courage to come out and announce the horrific ordeals they faced at the hands of so called “authority figures” and “mentors” in their lives. I’m so proud of them! It seems that all well-guarded secrets somehow lead to shining examples of extreme perversion in this country. Could it be that if you tell people they can’t have something, they want it all the more or is it just a case of deprivation? This victory for women neatly ties in to the point I made earlier about raising our voices against all wrongdoings, be it abuse, infidelity, harassment, corruption or moral decay. If you have a voice, use it. If you feel you don’t have one, garner support from others who do, and the world will be a better place for it, where the misgivings of no one are brushed under the rug, avoided and ignored, like the unsavoury distant relative from the village we refuse to acknowledge.

And right when the gossip world was getting over this fiasco, an American blogger/journalist accused a former interior minister of rape, and a former premier of sexual misconduct. She also named a third but it was no one of utmost significance or notoriety. As the war embroiled between the two parties, another war brimmed under the surface, of a media trial. People vs people. Blogger is good or evil, righteous or looking for a quick buck. The political party is sinister or not, and so round and round it went. What became glaringly real, is how the nation suffers from major colonial hangover, gora chamri worshipping and the height of hypocrisy when it comes to dealing with “our women,” vs “foreigners.” It also became evident that we just love discussing and probing into anything remotely sexual in nature, whether it adheres to the norms or not. The more scandalous, the more it’s discussed!

We showcase a confused nation, one that can’t decide one set of rules, across the board. Situations keep changing but so do people’s opinions. Those who hated the actor for her silence, heavily critiqued the American Blogger for coming out with vulgar accusations, in the open. Those who commended the girls from Lahore who spoke about their abusive pasts, were the same ones asking the American why she spoke up after so long! Different strokes for different folks?

For some, politics and loyal allegiance to a party meant passing over their ethics. For others, nothing else mattered than to see justice being served, or atleast the right questions being asked.

We all got emotional and highly strung, opinionated and bold in our statements, because it’s easy to hide behind a keyboard.
But most of all, we were enjoying these stories, because how much Netflix and chill can one really do? After a while, we must become like the awaami phupho and discuss everything matter regardless of its irrelevancy to our lives.

Netflix is another tell-tale sign of the level of perversion and suppressed need for sexual escapades we face as a nation. We have consistently topped annual lists for the most porn searching sites, but we also watched a movie (365 DNI) which romanticised non consensual sex, kidnapping, Stockholm’s Syndrome so much that it trended as number one in Pakistan. Social media is inundated with statuses of women asking when their rich, tall, dark, handsome kidnapper would come along and take their breath away. Men have become emboldened in their approach to forceful relationship, stalking behavior and the ready acceptance of kidnapping, sexual perversion and mental torture to get absolute “obedience”. What is supposed to be consumed as entertainment, becomes scripture and the holy grail to the feeble minded, setting the stage for future horrendous onslaughts of criminal behaviour with a dulled moralistic compass.

The last two weeks of lockdown were spent picking sides. But what we all constantly kept doing is ignoring the explicit lockdown and all it entailed since the day it was imposed. We didn’t let our domestics go for their leaves but we didn’t leave a single opportunity to meet friends and eat and drink and be merry, only to then blame the prime minister of our nation for lack of lockdown. Because we desis have a rebellious streak, and a selective religiousness, “Maut Allah ki marzi hay,” and “Corona Muslims ko nahi hoga!?!”

These last few months have been a constant gorgefest for the elite. Women showcasing their cooking talents, making French fries and sandwiches, proudly displaying them as if they made a Michelin star six course meal. And ahem, Instagram newsfeeds were less and less about handbags and insane heels, and more about insane cheeses and foreign foods being replicated poorly at home. Even the fashion bloggers who constantly parade borrowed or gratis dresses with knockoff accessories are now posing with knockoff homewares (plates and tea-sets that would make Gianni Versace turn over in his grave) and insta-storying their mediocre attempts at somewhat normal looking food. Ah, how the tide turns!

You see, these socialites are a special breed that manage to adapt every situation to make it about themselves. A few months later when this is all over, I wouldn’t be surprised if all of them put up poignant shots on their insta stories saying “Missing my quarantine days...”
These socialites are such a paradox within themselves; they will get up in arms and dedicate days to Twitter wars, but won’t step out in the sun to actually protest matters. They will talk emotionally about the poor, but stiff the fruit walas for 50 bucks, but we will talk about that someday else, when I’m in a better state of mind, and feeling polite.

Coming back to the crop of infidelity that was rubbed in our faces, here’s my opinion: Hold the closer relation at fault. The other party owes you nothing, and definitely not loyalty. There is no sisterhood of the travelling pants where money, power and glitz is concerned. Also, there is absolutely no glamour in silence, unless you have hundreds to advocate for you. Speak up, if not for yourself, for the thousands who are in a similar situation. God gave you the privilege of being seen and heard by making you one of the very few elite in the country, use it wisely. Find your voice to call out cheaters and cheating so others being tortured follow the trend. That is, if you don’t have skeletons in your own closets; then by all means, be quiet, be very very quiet.

That being said, I’m always up for some of those yummy treats being exchanged every day between frenemies and photographed heavily on insta in a gross display of popularity weightage. Show some love!

Scorn Republic is a bi-weekly satire column commenting on trending topics and societal happenings