‘Conversations with Kanwal’ discusses the slippery slope of divorce and its effects
Rizwana talks to Kanwal about her struggles growing up without a mother
In the latest episode of Conversations with Kanwal, we meet Rizwana who recounts her story as a child who grew up in a broken home. Settling in as a toddler without a mother, dealing with feeling rejected and lonely, and navigating her emotions as she grew up with a new mother figure in her life, Rizwana opens up about her tough life.
Diving into the story, Rizwana recalls how at the age of two, she had to accept the fact that her mother, who belonged to the US, will no longer be in her life. “My mom is from the US, so her lifestyle was quite westernized. When my dad proposed her, she was only 18 and we lived in a joint family, so she couldn’t understand that culture. She had me when she was 20,” she reminisced.
She continued sharing how the responsibility of having her and living in a joint family became too much for her mother, who then suggested her dad to come to the US with her. “He was born and bred here, so he wanted to live here only. So they eventually found a solution – they got separated,” she said.
Rizwana, at the tender age of two, found herself at crucial crossroads – she eventually had to stay back in Pakistan because getting a passport for her was becoming a hassle. Her parents had an amicable divorce by all means, but that did not ensure a healthy childhood for her.
“When she left, it was just the two of us – my father and I. He got very attached to me, so when she later called my dad to ask for me, he refused. Over time, my mother descended into depression, so she started working, got busy and married another man,” Rizwana recalled.
Naturally, as she grew up, her grandparents advised he dad to re-marry, and at the age of three, Rizwana accompanied her father to India to get him married and bring back her new mother. “After a month of two, my stepmother came to Karachi and got me a lot of gifts. I remember, I was not a big eater as a kid, and she would feed me. Then, my stepbrother was born and things started changing…”
Even though the change was standard – her newborn brother needed more attention – it felt too much for the young Rizwana to handle. “As I was very young at the time, I used to feel alone, like no one is with me,” she remembered. “You know how society waits for times like these to make you feel low, so some relatives used to literally stop me from wearing makeup or wearing certain clothes. Because I had no mother, they thought they could treat me that way,” she lamented.
She went on to recall how people would constantly remind her that she did not have her mother with her and badger her with questions like “do you miss her?” She also shared how the people around her and their narratives about her relation with her stepmother actually started shaping her connection with her – she felt growing resentment and would often lash out.
“People would say I’m really aggressive, but they did not know what made me that way. I would cry every day because I was alone and had no one to share my feelings with,” she opened up. Nevertheless, as they say, time is the best healer and over time, with her biological mother visiting her in Pakistan and creating a connection with her, she started seeing a positive change around her.
Now, her mother visits Rizwana more often, after the two sorted their relation out – they spent a week together when Rizwana was in college, allowing for age old resentments to resolve. In fact, her mother has even struck up a great rapport with her stepmother with the two regularly exchanging gifts.
“When my mother visited me when I was in university, my stepmother prepared food for her and asked me to take it to her, and my mother had brought her gifts from the US. That’s when I felt lucky because now, I have not one, but two mothers and they treat each other like sisters!”
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Diving into the story, Rizwana recalls how at the age of two, she had to accept the fact that her mother, who belonged to the US, will no longer be in her life. “My mom is from the US, so her lifestyle was quite westernized. When my dad proposed her, she was only 18 and we lived in a joint family, so she couldn’t understand that culture. She had me when she was 20,” she reminisced.
She continued sharing how the responsibility of having her and living in a joint family became too much for her mother, who then suggested her dad to come to the US with her. “He was born and bred here, so he wanted to live here only. So they eventually found a solution – they got separated,” she said.
Rizwana, at the tender age of two, found herself at crucial crossroads – she eventually had to stay back in Pakistan because getting a passport for her was becoming a hassle. Her parents had an amicable divorce by all means, but that did not ensure a healthy childhood for her.
“When she left, it was just the two of us – my father and I. He got very attached to me, so when she later called my dad to ask for me, he refused. Over time, my mother descended into depression, so she started working, got busy and married another man,” Rizwana recalled.
Naturally, as she grew up, her grandparents advised he dad to re-marry, and at the age of three, Rizwana accompanied her father to India to get him married and bring back her new mother. “After a month of two, my stepmother came to Karachi and got me a lot of gifts. I remember, I was not a big eater as a kid, and she would feed me. Then, my stepbrother was born and things started changing…”
Even though the change was standard – her newborn brother needed more attention – it felt too much for the young Rizwana to handle. “As I was very young at the time, I used to feel alone, like no one is with me,” she remembered. “You know how society waits for times like these to make you feel low, so some relatives used to literally stop me from wearing makeup or wearing certain clothes. Because I had no mother, they thought they could treat me that way,” she lamented.
She went on to recall how people would constantly remind her that she did not have her mother with her and badger her with questions like “do you miss her?” She also shared how the people around her and their narratives about her relation with her stepmother actually started shaping her connection with her – she felt growing resentment and would often lash out.
“People would say I’m really aggressive, but they did not know what made me that way. I would cry every day because I was alone and had no one to share my feelings with,” she opened up. Nevertheless, as they say, time is the best healer and over time, with her biological mother visiting her in Pakistan and creating a connection with her, she started seeing a positive change around her.
Now, her mother visits Rizwana more often, after the two sorted their relation out – they spent a week together when Rizwana was in college, allowing for age old resentments to resolve. In fact, her mother has even struck up a great rapport with her stepmother with the two regularly exchanging gifts.
“When my mother visited me when I was in university, my stepmother prepared food for her and asked me to take it to her, and my mother had brought her gifts from the US. That’s when I felt lucky because now, I have not one, but two mothers and they treat each other like sisters!”
Have something to add to the story? Share it in the comments below