Pakistan’s increasing obsession with the dowry syndrome
Next time you make a mockery out of a much-needed discussion, do your homework
KARACHI:
All hell broke loose when newly-weds Aiman Khan and Muneeb Butt posted pictures from an ongoing campaign against dowry culture. The pictures saw Henna stamped on their palms saying #JahezKhoriBandKaro supporting the UN Women Pakistan initiative. While other celebrities also participated in the campaign, the couple was targeted for vouching for an anti-dowry-cause right after their own lavish wedding marathon became a social media spectacle.
A user - all the while tagging Aiman's picture from the campaign - tweeted, "Pre-mehndi, mehndi, post-mehndi, mehndi shower blah blah blah, spread their marriage to some 30+ events and now teaching others to stop this dowry system? Wow very nice."
This was just one of the many tweets that if not criticised the couple for their ‘hypocrisy’, then made fun of the stand they took. It prompted Aiman to turn off comments for this particular post and made us search for method in this social media madness.
The trolls called out the couple for their extravagant wedding but are a lavish wedding and dowry culture the same thing? The bashing is not just uncalled for; it's irrelevant to the issue under discussion.
Setting the record straight
It’s high time for desi marriages to be considered something a lot more significant and sentimental than a ‘settlement’; it’s a new beginning for two people and by in large two families. As much as marriage is a social contract that bounds two people together, neither one of the two companions are each other’s property nor is the Nikkah Nama a sales agreement.
The institution of marriage is rooted in companionship, love and commitment, values that can’t be bought or overshadowed by any form of grand festivity. The UN Women campaign was doing just that by opposing the act of hogging money and riches by the man’s family that the dowry culture of today has become. It was a conversation starter that was reduced to a joke by the trolls.
Don't get it wrong... it's not that we are not appreciating the sense of humour. In fact the memes that came out as a response to this campaign are some of the best we've seen from Pakistan’s messy digital graffiti. This one in particular was our favourite.
The take home
But here's the bigger question: What are we leaving for people to take away from it? What we actually managed to do was bring down a thought-provoking movement to a jest.
One of the comments that went viral was when a man called out girls' families for inquiring about the guy’s financial and social status. While he did make some valid arguments, the truth is much stranger. "Tabdeeli dono side se aani chaiye. Sirf jahez ka naam le kar sympathy hasil na karen (the change should come from both sides. Don't try and gain sympathy by calling out the dowry culture)," the comment read.
Another user, Anfas Malik, however, had an apt response to the aforementioned comment. "Do you realise the movement #jahezkhoribandkaro came to be with examples of women who were thrown acid on, abused, beat up and killed for the sake of jahez? But no you had to bring yourself into this. Has anyone ever killed you or abused you for your low salary?" he wrote.
And to be honest, his comments were a ray of hope in the increasingly suffocating cyberspace. The dowry culture persists across classes and if it isn’t measured in the traditional sense of the woman being asked to bring her own furniture, dinner set and electronics to the house, sometimes it is as simple as a guy asking for a PS 4 in his Jahez. Yes, this has actually happened! While there are instances where women bring things they prefer to their new house out of choice, they are mostly forced to do so by the in-laws to be.
The dark side
What often starts with a ‘yay’ to the jahez question posed by the woman’s family doesn’t stop at a specific number or wish list. Brides are punished. If not by suffering pre-wedding mental torture than through emotional abuse, bullying and deprivation of basic needs in the house. There have also been cases where the husband had mercilessly killed his wife because of disagreements over dowry.
22-year-old girl, Madiha was set on fire by her husband after her family failed to 'gift' him a motorcycle for their wedding. Similarly, five years ago, four sisters in Multan killed themselves over dowry dispute with their father.
Men have never had to suffer such consequences regardless of how simple or grand the wedding.
"In the wake of ongoing debate about #JahezkhoriBandKaro
People are saying that girls also demand too much from a groom.
My answer: No man was ever murdered for failing to provide for his wife or not giving the haq meher. Please stop this no sense comparison!" a user on Twitter penned.
Ray of hope
The Khyber-Pakhtunkhwa Assembly passed landmark legislation last year, barring a bride’s family members, relatives and outsiders from making dowry payments to the groom and his family.
The law also restricted the maximum value of gifts given to the bride by her parents, family members or any other person to Rs10,000. It is now illegal for anyone from the groom’s family or anyone on their behalf to ask or force the bride’s family for dowry. If they still do, they shall be liable to a two-month prison term and a fine of Rs300,000 or both.
The law titled, the Khyber Pakhtunkhwa Dowry, Bridal Gift and Marriage Functions Restriction Act, 2017,’ states that the total expenditures on marriages - including all the events - shall not exceed Rs75,000 and ceremonies should conclude before 10pm.
So, the next time you make a mockery out of a much-needed discussion, do your homework!
Have something to add to the story? Share it in the comments below.
All hell broke loose when newly-weds Aiman Khan and Muneeb Butt posted pictures from an ongoing campaign against dowry culture. The pictures saw Henna stamped on their palms saying #JahezKhoriBandKaro supporting the UN Women Pakistan initiative. While other celebrities also participated in the campaign, the couple was targeted for vouching for an anti-dowry-cause right after their own lavish wedding marathon became a social media spectacle.
A user - all the while tagging Aiman's picture from the campaign - tweeted, "Pre-mehndi, mehndi, post-mehndi, mehndi shower blah blah blah, spread their marriage to some 30+ events and now teaching others to stop this dowry system? Wow very nice."
This was just one of the many tweets that if not criticised the couple for their ‘hypocrisy’, then made fun of the stand they took. It prompted Aiman to turn off comments for this particular post and made us search for method in this social media madness.
The trolls called out the couple for their extravagant wedding but are a lavish wedding and dowry culture the same thing? The bashing is not just uncalled for; it's irrelevant to the issue under discussion.
Setting the record straight
It’s high time for desi marriages to be considered something a lot more significant and sentimental than a ‘settlement’; it’s a new beginning for two people and by in large two families. As much as marriage is a social contract that bounds two people together, neither one of the two companions are each other’s property nor is the Nikkah Nama a sales agreement.
The institution of marriage is rooted in companionship, love and commitment, values that can’t be bought or overshadowed by any form of grand festivity. The UN Women campaign was doing just that by opposing the act of hogging money and riches by the man’s family that the dowry culture of today has become. It was a conversation starter that was reduced to a joke by the trolls.
Don't get it wrong... it's not that we are not appreciating the sense of humour. In fact the memes that came out as a response to this campaign are some of the best we've seen from Pakistan’s messy digital graffiti. This one in particular was our favourite.
The take home
But here's the bigger question: What are we leaving for people to take away from it? What we actually managed to do was bring down a thought-provoking movement to a jest.
One of the comments that went viral was when a man called out girls' families for inquiring about the guy’s financial and social status. While he did make some valid arguments, the truth is much stranger. "Tabdeeli dono side se aani chaiye. Sirf jahez ka naam le kar sympathy hasil na karen (the change should come from both sides. Don't try and gain sympathy by calling out the dowry culture)," the comment read.
Another user, Anfas Malik, however, had an apt response to the aforementioned comment. "Do you realise the movement #jahezkhoribandkaro came to be with examples of women who were thrown acid on, abused, beat up and killed for the sake of jahez? But no you had to bring yourself into this. Has anyone ever killed you or abused you for your low salary?" he wrote.
And to be honest, his comments were a ray of hope in the increasingly suffocating cyberspace. The dowry culture persists across classes and if it isn’t measured in the traditional sense of the woman being asked to bring her own furniture, dinner set and electronics to the house, sometimes it is as simple as a guy asking for a PS 4 in his Jahez. Yes, this has actually happened! While there are instances where women bring things they prefer to their new house out of choice, they are mostly forced to do so by the in-laws to be.
The dark side
What often starts with a ‘yay’ to the jahez question posed by the woman’s family doesn’t stop at a specific number or wish list. Brides are punished. If not by suffering pre-wedding mental torture than through emotional abuse, bullying and deprivation of basic needs in the house. There have also been cases where the husband had mercilessly killed his wife because of disagreements over dowry.
22-year-old girl, Madiha was set on fire by her husband after her family failed to 'gift' him a motorcycle for their wedding. Similarly, five years ago, four sisters in Multan killed themselves over dowry dispute with their father.
Men have never had to suffer such consequences regardless of how simple or grand the wedding.
"In the wake of ongoing debate about #JahezkhoriBandKaro
People are saying that girls also demand too much from a groom.
My answer: No man was ever murdered for failing to provide for his wife or not giving the haq meher. Please stop this no sense comparison!" a user on Twitter penned.
Ray of hope
The Khyber-Pakhtunkhwa Assembly passed landmark legislation last year, barring a bride’s family members, relatives and outsiders from making dowry payments to the groom and his family.
The law also restricted the maximum value of gifts given to the bride by her parents, family members or any other person to Rs10,000. It is now illegal for anyone from the groom’s family or anyone on their behalf to ask or force the bride’s family for dowry. If they still do, they shall be liable to a two-month prison term and a fine of Rs300,000 or both.
The law titled, the Khyber Pakhtunkhwa Dowry, Bridal Gift and Marriage Functions Restriction Act, 2017,’ states that the total expenditures on marriages - including all the events - shall not exceed Rs75,000 and ceremonies should conclude before 10pm.
So, the next time you make a mockery out of a much-needed discussion, do your homework!
Have something to add to the story? Share it in the comments below.