Mr know it all

Q. Dear Mr Know It All,

I consider myself an accepting, open-minded person – which is why I don’t mind having discussions with people about topics like politics and religion. Recently, though, I had a discussion with my boss about politics – and it turns out that we are on opposite sides of the political spectrum. I think my boss was offended by my views, because now, every time he sees me, he asks me aggressive questions about ‘my’ political party and what ‘my’ leaders said/did last morning in Parliament. This is an uncomfortable situation – do I have to renounce my affiliations just to get respect at work?

Office politico

A. There are some conversations that don’t belong in the workplace, and being an adult who’s smart enough to hold down a job and have political opinions that are strong enough to offend his superiors, you should’ve known better. Seriously man, even kids today know that politics is one of the most controversial topics of discussion that ever existed; it’s right up there with sex, religion and whether Meeraji is the legal age to get married yet or not. You see, you can’t go around having casual deliberations about these things — even more so in Pakistan — and expect them to turn into productive repartee, because they never do. This world ain’t that perfect yet! So, the next time your boss attacks you with his debauched put-downs, take a deep breath and give him the silent treatment because confrontation and smart-assed retorts would only serve to make things fester. I’m not asking you to renounce your affiliations or beliefs; just don’t be feeling the need to lay your life and career for them, and hopefully in a couple of weeks, one of your colleagues will make a bigger boo-boo that’ll divert the baby’s attention elsewhere. Even you can join in on the mockery then to see how fun it can be sometimes.

 

Q. Dear Mr Know It All,

There is this guy I really like (read love) and I know for a fact that he feels the same way about me, because he keeps talking about ‘how we should move beyond being just friends’. The problem is this: I was hoping that we could eventually get married, but he says his parents will never agree to him marrying outside the family, plus asking them would be equivalent to committing suicide. He won’t ask them himself and he won’t let me or my parents talk to his parents. I am extremely confused and I don’t know what to do. He says that we should end everything between us, since we have no future together. He also says that staying ‘just friends’ won’t work because we will eventually fall in love again and then it will be much harder to let go. Every time I ask him what to do, he says that I should simply forget about him and find someone else with whom I can have a future, but I DONT WANT ANY ONE ELSE. I haven’t been myself lately, I haven’t been eating or sleeping right and I feel like I won’t survive long without him. What should I do?

Shattered

A. Oh boy. Looks like someone wasn’t paying attention in the male psychology class! I wish there was a better, less painful way of telling you this, but there isn’t, so I’m going to come right out with it: You, my friend, have been hoodwinked. Yep, that’s all there is to it. Your man is playing with you and your neediness is fuelling his cheap theatrics. Have you ever asked yourself why exactly can’t any of you talk to his parents? Is it because they don’t want their son to be happy, or does it have something to do with the fact that maybe he’s already engaged to someone else? Or maybe he wasn’t that into you to begin with? All I’m saying is, the possibilities of deceit in situations like these are endless. So stop with the I-can’t-eat-or-sleep nonsense and sit down to think this through. Does he really love you as much as he’s made you believe he does? Because frankly, he sure as hell isn’t doing much to prove his devotion to you or your twisted relationship. What’s worse, your email just reinforces the sad fact that women—no matter young or old, pretty or ugly, smart or dumb—like the excitement of being with good-for-nothing jerks, and that just royally ticksme off.

When we are in lust, or in the process of falling in love, we tend to overlook so many negative things about that person because so much feels right. We actively throw away any bad data that could ruin our high, and that’s exactly what’s happening to you. You need to get a grip over yourself and holler your waning self-esteem back because if you think about it, you’ve actually been saved. This is a big warning sign of how he would have behaved in a long-term relationship. He’s abrupt, unreliable, and an all-round wuss. Who needs that, right?

 

Q. Dear Mr Know It All,

When I was parking my car in the office parking lot today, I grazed the car next to me. I didn’t recognise the car, so I just kept quiet about it. Turns out, it is the VP’s car, and he’s pretty mad. I’m currently cowering at my desk, caught between two courses of action – admitting to my mistake (the sooner I do this, the better, I know, but I’m scared) or ignore the whole thing and hope it goes away. Thing is, the parking lot may have been monitored by CCTV, but I never noticed any camera, so my dilemma is all the more excruciating. Help!

Criminal mind

A. I’m surprised that amidst all the perturbation, you had the time and wits to write to me and not to casually ask around the office whether the parking lot is wired or not. It’s called common sense. A rare commodity, sure, but if you look hard enough, you may find little specks of it lying around somewhere up there. Still, since you have placed your trust in my good judgment, I should warn you that there can only be two scenarios here: either you’ve already been found guilty and reprimanded for your unabashed neglect, in which case I cannot really help you anymore; or else no body’s really interested in reviewing the surveillance tapes, which means you’re off the hook and on the loose. In which case… YOU BETTER STAY AWAY FROM MY SHINY BEAUTIFUL CAR, YOU MALICIOUS CAR-SCRAPER MAN!

Published in The Express Tribune, Sunday Magazine, June 12^th, 2011.