A 10-point agenda for the entertainment industry of 'Naya Pakistan'

We went to sleep on July 25 in the old Pakistan and woke up in 'Naya Pakistan', or that's what we liked to...

KARACHI: The morning of July 26 felt like the beginning of a new era. We went to sleep on the 25th and woke up the next day in 'Naya Pakistan' - or at least that's what we'd liked to believe. All was right in the world. We expected the sky to exude purple, the air to be pollution-free and Sahir Lodhi to announce the sequel to Raasta… okay, maybe not that.

But nothing really changed. Lights shone the same. The same clouds of cigarette smoke hovered in my room. My breakfast omelette stared back at me like it always did and said, "Life is meaningless. You are still chubby. Everyone's going to die. Go watch TV." What a beautiful morning indeed!

PHOTO: PTI OFFICIAL

I followed its advice and turned on the TV in 'Naya Pakistan' to see the same old faces. Mahira Khan was still selling soap, Javed Sheikh was still shooting close-ups smoking a cigar, Syed Noor still considered himself a film-maker at his peak and Shahroz Sabzwari was still trying to act.

Following my omelette's advice opened new doors for me. It got me dreaming about what changes I'd like to see in the entertainment industry of 'Naya Pakistan.' Here is what I came up with:

1)      Shaan and Sajjad Ali start acting their age

PHOTO: PUBLICITY

In Netflix's BoJack Horseman, there is a character named Vincent Adultman who is basically three kids stacked on top of each other inside a trench coat, pretending to be a grown-up. He talks like adults, trades at the stock market and the factory, and insists he is not a boy but a man. Adult man. Mind it!

Look around the local entertainment industry and you'll see several kids pretending to be grown-ups. After Arth: The Destination's failure, Pakistani star Shaan threw a fit on social media, constantly abusing and calling out journalists, bloggers and everyone who criticised the film. Sajjad Ali has been on a roll, down the rabbit hole. The Cinderella singer has become Alice in Wonderland, thanks to his inflated ego and refusal to mature with the always-evolving industry.

But it's all good in Shaan and Ali's eyes. Whenever they are about to publicly rage after facing criticism or refuse an offer out of creative inflexibility, they quote Adultman: "Business-wise, this all seems like appropriate business." Brothers, if this continues, there won't be any more business.

2)      Hocane sisters banned from social media

PHOTO: FILE

Hocane sisters' relationship with social media is similar to my relationship with fast food.  I know it's not good for me but momentarily, it makes me feel better. And so, I gorge on it like Po does on dumplings in Kung Fu Panda.

From comparing the 'Farwa' (Farhan and Urwa) wedding to the Royal Wedding or Mawra being upset over the viral Mahira-Ranbir picture, the Hocane sisters do the same with social media, subsequently never making headlines for the right reasons. We understand social media se door rehna, ae dil hai mushkil, but it's 'Naya Pakistan' so we can at least hope.

3)      Waqar Zaka goes to Syria and finds nirvana

PHOTO: INSTAGRAM

Waqar Zaka is the KRK (Kamaal Rashid Khan) of Pakistan. There are righteous people in the world, and then there are those who shove righteousness in other's faces. Zaka is one of the latter. We hope the shockwaves of 'Naya Pakistan' send the Living on the Edge host to Syria, where he helps people, as he did last year, and finally achieves Nirvana. Because come on, all this righteousness and generosity has to lead somewhere, right?

We hope it leads to enlightenment so he can come back and declare himself the modern-day Buddha. This would give him enough content to stay relevant for the next two years. 'Naya Pakistan', naya Waqar Zaka.

4)      Ali Sethi recognised as Bilal Khan of 'ghazal' singing

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Frankly, this doesn't need an explanation. The beauty of a woman's eyes is a common topic in many ghazals and in general, Urdu poetry. But the so-called poster boy of today's music has contributed as much to ghazal singing as Taher Shah has to discourse about eyes. On that note, he should also be given the Taher Shah legacy award.

5)      Salman Ahmed falls from the container

PHOTO: INSTAGRAM

Salman Ahmed is to Imran Khan what Minions are to Dru (although, too bad there is only one Ahmed). And like Minions are fascinated with their favourite toy, a photocopy machine, Khan and Ahmed are inseparable from containers. While 'Naya Pakistan' is going in full force after elections, the entire country would be aboard the containers. And that just might make the containers shaky enough, causing a fall.

6)      Ali Azmat releases new album

PHOTO: FILE

While we are hoping when Ahmed falls from the container, Ali Azmat is there to catch him so we can maybe have a Junoon reunion, we hope 'Naya Pakistan' also inspires the former Junoon vocalist to release his new solo album. Come on, it's been seven years already since the last one came out.

7)      Imran Abbas returns to Bollywood with 'Creature 4D'

PHOTO: INSTAGRAM

It's 'Naya Pakistan', not Naya Hindustan so it may be a long shot to hope for Pakistani films to be released in India. But we can surely hope Imran Abbas returns to Bollywood as relations between the two countries smoothen. And just as he mesmerised the world (cough) in Creature 3D, we hope he adds a new dimension in the sequel, Creature 4D... Just like that awesome 4D ride in Karachi's Sindbad amusement park.

8)      Mahesh Bhatt launches Momina Mustehsan

PHOTO: FILE

If Mahesh Bhatt launches new talent in his films, they are almost guaranteed success. In 'Naya Pakistan', we hope he contributes to our industry and launches Momina Mustehsan… into space. Because obviously, Coke Studio or this world isn't big enough a stage for her boundless talents.

In 1977, NASA launched Voyager Golden Records, depicting life and culture on earth for the possible intelligent extraterrestrial life forms in the universe. In 41 years, we haven't attracted any alien visitors who discovered earth, thanks to those records. Mustehsan's live concerts on a grand cosmic stage might change that.

9)     ' Maula Jatt 2' releases before 'Waar 4'

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It's not that we want to watch Waar sequels come out (the first one and Yalghaar was more than enough). But if Bilal Lashari takes as much time in releasing Maula Jatt 2 as James Cameron does with Avatar 2, we might as well catch Waar 4 first. Forgive me for the blasphemous comparison between Lashari and Cameron.

10)  Ayesha Omar quits the industry (hopefully). Maulana Tariq Jamil takes credit.

PHOTO: INSTAGRAM

She's tried acting, she's done singing, she's now a TV host and also made a feeble attempt at becoming an "item girl" with Tutti Fruity. Now if the industry doesn't weed Omar out naturally, the girl should just leave herself and give a chance to newer, fresher faces.

Thanks, omelette. You were a great help.

Note: This article is based on a social media post by journalist Rafay Mahmood. It is categorised as humour/satire and the content is not meant to be taken literally. The views expressed here do not reflect the views of the writer or the views of the Tribune Life&Style editorial staff.

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