Ask Asad: My mother doesn't like my choice of a potential life partner, what should I do to convince her?
Financial discrimination is common in our society and is the root cause of stress and upheaval in many homes
Dear Asad,
I am a 25 years old Pakistani guy living alone in Canada. My family – mother and siblings, my father has passed away – live in Karachi, Pakistan.
I like a girl who is in the final year of university and will be graduating this year. She is a pious and religious girl who does hijab and niqab. We have been communicating regularly for some time now, although I haven’t seen her face as she covers herself. I like her character and way of thinking and I want to marry her.
But my mother is against this marriage. In fact, this is the fourth girl that I have an interest in for marriage purposes who has been rejected by my mother. She keeps on rejecting them on the basis of them not being well off financially. Also she doesn’t like girls who do hijab and wear niqab.
My mother likes girls who are bold in their manner and dressing and wants her daughter-in-law to be like that. But I don’t like such type of girls. I prefer girls who are modest in their manner and dressing. But my mother doesn’t understand this. She believes I am old fashioned and a fool for trying to marry such a girl. She has given me an ultimatum – many times actually – that if I marry such a girl, she won’t attend my wedding and won’t have anything to do with me.
Ask Asad: I love a girl for the past eight years, but want to get settled before approaching her. Should I wait more?
I want to marry a nice, pious decent girl with whom I can grow both emotionally and spiritually – with both of us being loving, supportive and understanding of each other. But my mother’s requirement is totally opposite of mine. She doesn’t understand me and doesn’t appreciate at all the type of girl I want to marry. I have tried all means to convince my mother but nothing works. She is adamant about the type of girl she wants me to get married to.
I am very stressed and in a great deal of mental anguish these days because of the behaviour of my mother and her manner of thinking. Please help me and tell me what I should do.
Unhappy Son
Dear Unhappy Son,
I am sorry to hear about your dilemma. You seem like a decent, level-headed guy who knows what he wants and what is best for him. There is nothing wrong with the type of girl you want to get married to. What you have written about her, she seems to be a nice person and will hopefully make a good wife. Although I must say that it would be prudent of you and a good idea if you were to at least meet her once in person and see her face before finalising anything. Just as a precaution, if nothing else.
Ask Asad: I love a girl for the past eight years, but want to get settled before approaching her. Should I wait more?
As for your mother, it’s quite sad that she is prejudiced against girls who do hijab and wear niqab and also discriminates against them based on their financial status. Sadly, financial discrimination is something quite common in our society and in many cases is the root cause of stress and upheaval in many homes. People fail to understand that money – although a great thing to have to lead a comfortable life – cannot match the good virtues and values that some people are blessed with. The least she could do is at least meet the girl and her family. You never know. She might actually end up liking them enough to give her permission and blessing to this union. Do you believe you could convince her to meet the girl and her parents? Is there any chance of that happening? Rather than trying to convince your mother to accept you’re the girl you like, try to convince her to at least meet her and her family.
Ask Asad: I don't want to marry my cousin because she isn't pretty!
The bone of contention between your mother and you is that both of you have a very different set of requirements that you are looking for in a girl that is eventually to become your wife. In fact, it’s poles apart. Therefore, one of you – either your mother or you – will need to make a sacrifice. I don’t believe it will be your mother because she has already rejected four of your chosen girls and will keep on doing so in the future. Therefore, it will be you who will need to make sacrifices and marry a girl of your mother’s choice. But then in doing so, you will be quite unhappy and that too perhaps for the rest of your life.
On the other hand, if you go against your mother’s wishes and marry a girl of your choice, there is the risk of your mother cutting ties with you. This is, of course, something which is not ideal and thus not recommended.
To break the deadlock between your mother and you, the only suggestions that I could come up with is that you sit down with your mother, have a heart-to-heart talk with her – without either of you losing your cool. If she does, you be patient and calm and don’t lose your cool too – and try to reach common ground. Try to reach a compromise about your prospective wife in which both you and your mother are willing, if not completely happy. Reaching a compromise will hopefully lessen the stress between your mother and you and will help in starting the process of your marriage.
Tip: Make a list of the qualities that you want in your future wife. The qualities that you simply cannot do without, write them in red, the others in blue. This way when you negotiate with your mother, you will know where you can make compromises and where you don’t want to.
All the best!
Asad
Asad is a counsellor, life coach, inspirational speaker and a personal-development expert. He advises on social, personal and emotional issues. You can send him your questions for this weekly column at advice@tribune.com.pk with “Ask Asad” mentioned in the subject line and provide as many details as possible.
Note: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of The Express Tribune.
I am a 25 years old Pakistani guy living alone in Canada. My family – mother and siblings, my father has passed away – live in Karachi, Pakistan.
I like a girl who is in the final year of university and will be graduating this year. She is a pious and religious girl who does hijab and niqab. We have been communicating regularly for some time now, although I haven’t seen her face as she covers herself. I like her character and way of thinking and I want to marry her.
But my mother is against this marriage. In fact, this is the fourth girl that I have an interest in for marriage purposes who has been rejected by my mother. She keeps on rejecting them on the basis of them not being well off financially. Also she doesn’t like girls who do hijab and wear niqab.
My mother likes girls who are bold in their manner and dressing and wants her daughter-in-law to be like that. But I don’t like such type of girls. I prefer girls who are modest in their manner and dressing. But my mother doesn’t understand this. She believes I am old fashioned and a fool for trying to marry such a girl. She has given me an ultimatum – many times actually – that if I marry such a girl, she won’t attend my wedding and won’t have anything to do with me.
Ask Asad: I love a girl for the past eight years, but want to get settled before approaching her. Should I wait more?
I want to marry a nice, pious decent girl with whom I can grow both emotionally and spiritually – with both of us being loving, supportive and understanding of each other. But my mother’s requirement is totally opposite of mine. She doesn’t understand me and doesn’t appreciate at all the type of girl I want to marry. I have tried all means to convince my mother but nothing works. She is adamant about the type of girl she wants me to get married to.
I am very stressed and in a great deal of mental anguish these days because of the behaviour of my mother and her manner of thinking. Please help me and tell me what I should do.
Unhappy Son
Dear Unhappy Son,
I am sorry to hear about your dilemma. You seem like a decent, level-headed guy who knows what he wants and what is best for him. There is nothing wrong with the type of girl you want to get married to. What you have written about her, she seems to be a nice person and will hopefully make a good wife. Although I must say that it would be prudent of you and a good idea if you were to at least meet her once in person and see her face before finalising anything. Just as a precaution, if nothing else.
Ask Asad: I love a girl for the past eight years, but want to get settled before approaching her. Should I wait more?
As for your mother, it’s quite sad that she is prejudiced against girls who do hijab and wear niqab and also discriminates against them based on their financial status. Sadly, financial discrimination is something quite common in our society and in many cases is the root cause of stress and upheaval in many homes. People fail to understand that money – although a great thing to have to lead a comfortable life – cannot match the good virtues and values that some people are blessed with. The least she could do is at least meet the girl and her family. You never know. She might actually end up liking them enough to give her permission and blessing to this union. Do you believe you could convince her to meet the girl and her parents? Is there any chance of that happening? Rather than trying to convince your mother to accept you’re the girl you like, try to convince her to at least meet her and her family.
Ask Asad: I don't want to marry my cousin because she isn't pretty!
The bone of contention between your mother and you is that both of you have a very different set of requirements that you are looking for in a girl that is eventually to become your wife. In fact, it’s poles apart. Therefore, one of you – either your mother or you – will need to make a sacrifice. I don’t believe it will be your mother because she has already rejected four of your chosen girls and will keep on doing so in the future. Therefore, it will be you who will need to make sacrifices and marry a girl of your mother’s choice. But then in doing so, you will be quite unhappy and that too perhaps for the rest of your life.
On the other hand, if you go against your mother’s wishes and marry a girl of your choice, there is the risk of your mother cutting ties with you. This is, of course, something which is not ideal and thus not recommended.
To break the deadlock between your mother and you, the only suggestions that I could come up with is that you sit down with your mother, have a heart-to-heart talk with her – without either of you losing your cool. If she does, you be patient and calm and don’t lose your cool too – and try to reach common ground. Try to reach a compromise about your prospective wife in which both you and your mother are willing, if not completely happy. Reaching a compromise will hopefully lessen the stress between your mother and you and will help in starting the process of your marriage.
Tip: Make a list of the qualities that you want in your future wife. The qualities that you simply cannot do without, write them in red, the others in blue. This way when you negotiate with your mother, you will know where you can make compromises and where you don’t want to.
All the best!
Asad
Asad is a counsellor, life coach, inspirational speaker and a personal-development expert. He advises on social, personal and emotional issues. You can send him your questions for this weekly column at advice@tribune.com.pk with “Ask Asad” mentioned in the subject line and provide as many details as possible.
Note: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of The Express Tribune.