Let’s not forget to raise decent humans
When a case of child abuse surfaces, we conveniently alienate the abuser from ourselves
The writer is a practising counselling psychologist and a part-time journalist. She tweets @nhd00
The heart-wrenching tales of child abuse victims in Kasur sent shivers down our spine — news of the rape and murder of eight-year-old Zainab by a serial rapist followed by that of Asma in Mardan.
From parents to the masses, political leaders to judiciary, social activists to celebrities — the call for justice has been made from all quarters. Perhaps for the first time in a long time, Pakistan stands united for a cause.
Ironically, we are seeking justice for the same crime committed in the same city two years after the sexual abuse scandal that took the nation by a storm. A total of 451 child abuse cases were reported in 2015 — of which 285 are accounted for in the molestation, about 141 in 2016 and 129 in 2017 bringing the number of cases in three years to a whopping 721 in one city alone.
Not surprisingly, the 2015 child abuse incident was hushed down by law-enforcement agencies, politicians until it eventually faded away from our memories.
But this time it is different. This time the nation is angrier. Guilty, may be. Emotional definitely, as calls for public hanging get shriller. Most importantly, this time we are aware of what needs to be done: educating our children, parents to make a better society for our future generation.
A lot has been said about introducing sex education in schools — stressing the need for teaching children to differentiate between a good and a bad touch, training them to recognise abuse and laying emphasis on how not to associate sexual abuse with shame rather encourage victims to speak up.
Yet there is one aspect that is being overlooked: do we only need to protect our children? Is that the only way we can promise them a better, safer future?
By focusing only on how a child needs to learn to recognise abuse, we are taking away the conscious responsibility that lies with the abuser and enforcing it instead on the abused — thus reinforcing the stigma around it.
A child should be equipped to know when he/she is being abused. However, it should not be at the cost of letting the abuser get away with a heinous act. The abuser should be burdened with shame not the victim who is already traumatised.
When a case of child abuse surfaces, we conveniently alienate the abuser from ourselves — we term them ‘monsters’ in a bid to shirk away from the responsibility of admitting that they are from amongst us. They breed within this society. They belong to the same community we are part of. We would rather pretend that rapists, paedophiles are alien creatures, rather than accept that they are fellow human beings — who we may even have grown up with.
The impact of denying this reality enables sexual predators lurking in society — hiding in open sight only because we choose to stay blinded. When we hush down inappropriate behaviours of people we know — out of respect, love or fear — we not only enable abusers but we set an example to the children, making them believe that sexually abusing another person is not something to be acted against. We normalise abuse.
As important as it is to protect our children, it is equally important (if not more) to raise decent, responsible human beings who know better than to be harassers.
Let’s not forget that the rapists in recent cases have been protected by their family and friends at some point in time despite the atrocity committed against a minor. They take refuge in the innocence that accompanies blindness that comes with love, other times it is hushed down owing to uphold ‘honour’ of the abuser or his family. In legal terms, however, it is aiding and abetting a criminal.
As true as is the possibility of a child becoming a victim of sexual abuse, there is also a probability that another child from the same age bracket may grow up to be a predator. No parents would want to imagine their child turning out to be a villain but ignoring signs of a potential abuser may ruin many lives.
Before teaching children to protect themselves, we need to at least try to ensure there is nothing they need to be protected from. The adults need to take responsibility for their actions that lay the foundations for the next generation’s behaviour pattern. Engraving values of empathy and basic sense of right and wrong is the need of the hour — both of which need to start from home, our communities and schools.
Published in The Express Tribune, January 26th, 2018.
From parents to the masses, political leaders to judiciary, social activists to celebrities — the call for justice has been made from all quarters. Perhaps for the first time in a long time, Pakistan stands united for a cause.
Ironically, we are seeking justice for the same crime committed in the same city two years after the sexual abuse scandal that took the nation by a storm. A total of 451 child abuse cases were reported in 2015 — of which 285 are accounted for in the molestation, about 141 in 2016 and 129 in 2017 bringing the number of cases in three years to a whopping 721 in one city alone.
Not surprisingly, the 2015 child abuse incident was hushed down by law-enforcement agencies, politicians until it eventually faded away from our memories.
But this time it is different. This time the nation is angrier. Guilty, may be. Emotional definitely, as calls for public hanging get shriller. Most importantly, this time we are aware of what needs to be done: educating our children, parents to make a better society for our future generation.
A lot has been said about introducing sex education in schools — stressing the need for teaching children to differentiate between a good and a bad touch, training them to recognise abuse and laying emphasis on how not to associate sexual abuse with shame rather encourage victims to speak up.
Yet there is one aspect that is being overlooked: do we only need to protect our children? Is that the only way we can promise them a better, safer future?
By focusing only on how a child needs to learn to recognise abuse, we are taking away the conscious responsibility that lies with the abuser and enforcing it instead on the abused — thus reinforcing the stigma around it.
A child should be equipped to know when he/she is being abused. However, it should not be at the cost of letting the abuser get away with a heinous act. The abuser should be burdened with shame not the victim who is already traumatised.
When a case of child abuse surfaces, we conveniently alienate the abuser from ourselves — we term them ‘monsters’ in a bid to shirk away from the responsibility of admitting that they are from amongst us. They breed within this society. They belong to the same community we are part of. We would rather pretend that rapists, paedophiles are alien creatures, rather than accept that they are fellow human beings — who we may even have grown up with.
The impact of denying this reality enables sexual predators lurking in society — hiding in open sight only because we choose to stay blinded. When we hush down inappropriate behaviours of people we know — out of respect, love or fear — we not only enable abusers but we set an example to the children, making them believe that sexually abusing another person is not something to be acted against. We normalise abuse.
As important as it is to protect our children, it is equally important (if not more) to raise decent, responsible human beings who know better than to be harassers.
Let’s not forget that the rapists in recent cases have been protected by their family and friends at some point in time despite the atrocity committed against a minor. They take refuge in the innocence that accompanies blindness that comes with love, other times it is hushed down owing to uphold ‘honour’ of the abuser or his family. In legal terms, however, it is aiding and abetting a criminal.
As true as is the possibility of a child becoming a victim of sexual abuse, there is also a probability that another child from the same age bracket may grow up to be a predator. No parents would want to imagine their child turning out to be a villain but ignoring signs of a potential abuser may ruin many lives.
Before teaching children to protect themselves, we need to at least try to ensure there is nothing they need to be protected from. The adults need to take responsibility for their actions that lay the foundations for the next generation’s behaviour pattern. Engraving values of empathy and basic sense of right and wrong is the need of the hour — both of which need to start from home, our communities and schools.
Published in The Express Tribune, January 26th, 2018.