Ask Asad: My obsession with parenting is out of control. Please help!
I am stressed out usually to the point of anxiety about how the kids will do in the world
Dear Asad,
I am a 29-year-old happily married woman with two lovely kids. I have a positive attitude towards life with good education. I also pray regularly. I do not have typical social issues but I think I am obsessed with parenting and this is a problem.
My eldest child is a four-and-a-half-year-old girl and my second child is a boy who is nearly two. My daughter is in her school-going age now but I am not sending her to study because I am concerned about what she would pick up from other students.
Ask Asad: My married cousins look down upon me because I am single at 30. Is it my fault?
I am homeschooling her currently and therefore the problem of her not attending a school is not an issue but the extent of my fear is. For how long will I be able to keep her at home?
I am stressed out usually to the point of anxiety about how the kids will do in the world. I am scared about what my daughter will “know” once I let her out. I avoid places that can have a bad effect on my kids. I avoid relatives who are too fussy about “neat" homes and keep poking kids about being "bad" because they are curious.
I want my kids to avoid mistakes that I made. I was always a mature kid. I read novels and watched films that I would not allow my daughter to watch when she is 13. My mom allowed me though because I was always her a “good girl” but she was quite simple to foresee how it would affect me. I do not want my kids to make that mess in their lives.
I enjoy a good relationship with my husband but sometimes things get tensed between us because of my overboard parenting. I had my first ever fight with my husband after my daughter was born. At one point, I threatened him saying, "If you don't stop giving her unrestricted access to YouTube, I will leave you and go to my parents."
I know I have a problem and I have tried to overcome it but I failed. I now realise that I need professional help. Please help me!
A stressed out mom
Dear stressed out mom,
Being a parent can be one of the most rewarding and fulfilling experiences of your life, but that does not mean it is easy. Having responsibility for the life of another can be scary or overwhelming and may be causing you to over-parent your child.
Ask Asad: My mother is a widow but she has remarried. What should I do?
Most parents want to do everything they can to improve their children's chances of being successful. Unfortunately, this sometimes leads to over-bearing parenting. Over-bearing parents constantly worry about their children's safety and well-being and restrict their freedom to protect them. While the motivation for this kind of parenting is usually love, it can cause children to be less active, to have a difficult time making decisions and handling conflicts on their own, and to suffer from anxiety and depression.
To be a good parent, you need to know how to make your children feel valued and loved while teaching them the difference between right and wrong. At the end of the day, the most important thing is to create a nurturing environment where your children feel like they can thrive and develop into confident, independent, and caring adults.
You can avoid this by helping your child develop maturity, giving them some independence, helping them problem solve, and dealing with your own worries. The following suggestions will hopefully help you in not going overboard as a parent.
Avoid constantly worrying about your children
While it is understandable that caring parents would be concerned about bad things happening to their children, worrying too much can be extremely damaging. The first thing you need to do if you want to stop being an over-bearing parent is to relax and accept the fact that you will never be capable of protecting your children from all of the dangers in the world.
Ask Asad: Will my jealous lover always be like this?
Be aware of your limitations as a parent
Let's face it – we are all imperfect parents. We have strengths and weaknesses as family leaders. This is fine. Try to have realistic expectations for yourself, your spouse, and your children. You do not always have to have all the answers.
Take it one day at a time
Try not to be hyper-focused on your children's future success, especially if they are very young. This will only cause undue anxiety.
Let them take small risks
Children who are too confined to ‘safe spaces’ miss out on many developmental opportunities. If you want your children to learn how to navigate the world, they need to be able to step out of their comfort zones sometimes.
Let your children learn from their mistakes
Parents often want to protect their children from being hurt or feeling bad about themselves, which often means that they intervene in order to shelter them from the consequences of their own actions. This kind of parenting prevents kids from learning from their mistakes, so let your kids experience negative consequences.
Do not make them the centre of your life
Though you love your child very much, avoid making them the entire focus of your life. A child who grows up believing everything centres around themselves will have a lot of difficulties navigating real relationships and dealing with conflicts of any kind.
Focus on your needs too
Take time out from parenting to do things that will ensure your happiness as a person (or as a couple). Focusing on your needs does not make you selfish. It simply means that you care about your own well-being, which is another important value to model for your children. Pursue your career, hang out with friends, spend time with your spouse, and explore your other interests.
Ask Asad: Will my jealous lover always be like this?
Learn how to handle parenting conflicts
You and your spouse may have similar opinions on many matters but the way you parent your children can be drastically different. This can cause tension and stress. Respect your spouse’s parenting methods. Bad-mouthing your spouse’s approach or fighting with him is not healthy for raising children or for your marriage.
Tip: When you feeling frustrated with your husband, say to yourself, “He is doing what he thinks is right and the best he can, just like me.”
Do not judge others’ parenting style
Parenting is extremely personal and everyone does the best they can. One of the quickest ways to ruin a relationship or friendship is to judge someone’s parenting style.
There is not one right way to parent
If there was a guidebook that answered every question parents have and offered all the right advice, parenting would have been a breeze. Unfortunately, there is no such book and parents have to do what they think is best for their children. Everyone makes mistakes and people act according to their situations.
Re-evaluate your parenting techniques
Rather than ruling with an iron fist, aim to consider the practices of others if they seem valuable. Take time after every couple of months to re-evaluate your parenting guidelines. Add new methods and toss those that are not working.
Build a strong support system
It really does take a village to raise a child. You might count on a variety of other adults to help you with your child – teachers, coaches, childcare professionals, and parents. However, oftentimes parents do not really activate the available resources. Leaning on the social support can help you fight stress and become an even better parent.
Ask Asad: How to deal with negativity at workplace?
Talk to other parents
One way to calm your fears is to talk to other parents who can help you keep your worries in check. Often times when we verbalise things to others, we realise how unrealistic and unfounded our worries really are. Friends will be able to give you advice on how to let up on your children a bit and give them more independence. Do not shun them or look down at them believing that they are not doing a good job, as parents or that you are a much better parent. Doing so, you will be setting yourself up for failure instead of learning to be a well-rounded parent.
Delegate when you can
Sometimes the best way to improve your parenting is to admit that you need help. Share the load with your spouse so that you can have some time off every now and then. Accept offers when friends and family ask to babysit. If you occasionally give yourself time to relax, you will be a more effective parent in the long- run. Do not be afraid to hire a babysitter and take a night off. You deserve it.
Get professional help
Talking to a mental health professional, one who specialises in parenting issues, would be helpful. Not only would such a professional help you out in letting go of your overboard parenting style but would also provide you with the tools and techniques to be a well-rounded parent.
In the end, remember one thing. Parenting is supposed to be a joy, not a struggle. Most of the time, you should enjoy being around your children. If you find yourself in constant conflicts with your spouse, relatives, friends, etc. with regard to how to raise children, then re-evaluate your parenting style.
All the best!
Asad
Asad is a counsellor, life coach, inspirational speaker and a personal-development expert. He advises on social, personal and emotional issues. You can send him your questions for this weekly column at advice@tribune.com.pk with “Ask Asad” mentioned in the subject line and provide as many details as possible.
Note: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of The Express Tribune.
I am a 29-year-old happily married woman with two lovely kids. I have a positive attitude towards life with good education. I also pray regularly. I do not have typical social issues but I think I am obsessed with parenting and this is a problem.
My eldest child is a four-and-a-half-year-old girl and my second child is a boy who is nearly two. My daughter is in her school-going age now but I am not sending her to study because I am concerned about what she would pick up from other students.
Ask Asad: My married cousins look down upon me because I am single at 30. Is it my fault?
I am homeschooling her currently and therefore the problem of her not attending a school is not an issue but the extent of my fear is. For how long will I be able to keep her at home?
I am stressed out usually to the point of anxiety about how the kids will do in the world. I am scared about what my daughter will “know” once I let her out. I avoid places that can have a bad effect on my kids. I avoid relatives who are too fussy about “neat" homes and keep poking kids about being "bad" because they are curious.
I want my kids to avoid mistakes that I made. I was always a mature kid. I read novels and watched films that I would not allow my daughter to watch when she is 13. My mom allowed me though because I was always her a “good girl” but she was quite simple to foresee how it would affect me. I do not want my kids to make that mess in their lives.
I enjoy a good relationship with my husband but sometimes things get tensed between us because of my overboard parenting. I had my first ever fight with my husband after my daughter was born. At one point, I threatened him saying, "If you don't stop giving her unrestricted access to YouTube, I will leave you and go to my parents."
I know I have a problem and I have tried to overcome it but I failed. I now realise that I need professional help. Please help me!
A stressed out mom
Dear stressed out mom,
Being a parent can be one of the most rewarding and fulfilling experiences of your life, but that does not mean it is easy. Having responsibility for the life of another can be scary or overwhelming and may be causing you to over-parent your child.
Ask Asad: My mother is a widow but she has remarried. What should I do?
Most parents want to do everything they can to improve their children's chances of being successful. Unfortunately, this sometimes leads to over-bearing parenting. Over-bearing parents constantly worry about their children's safety and well-being and restrict their freedom to protect them. While the motivation for this kind of parenting is usually love, it can cause children to be less active, to have a difficult time making decisions and handling conflicts on their own, and to suffer from anxiety and depression.
To be a good parent, you need to know how to make your children feel valued and loved while teaching them the difference between right and wrong. At the end of the day, the most important thing is to create a nurturing environment where your children feel like they can thrive and develop into confident, independent, and caring adults.
You can avoid this by helping your child develop maturity, giving them some independence, helping them problem solve, and dealing with your own worries. The following suggestions will hopefully help you in not going overboard as a parent.
Avoid constantly worrying about your children
While it is understandable that caring parents would be concerned about bad things happening to their children, worrying too much can be extremely damaging. The first thing you need to do if you want to stop being an over-bearing parent is to relax and accept the fact that you will never be capable of protecting your children from all of the dangers in the world.
Ask Asad: Will my jealous lover always be like this?
Be aware of your limitations as a parent
Let's face it – we are all imperfect parents. We have strengths and weaknesses as family leaders. This is fine. Try to have realistic expectations for yourself, your spouse, and your children. You do not always have to have all the answers.
Take it one day at a time
Try not to be hyper-focused on your children's future success, especially if they are very young. This will only cause undue anxiety.
Let them take small risks
Children who are too confined to ‘safe spaces’ miss out on many developmental opportunities. If you want your children to learn how to navigate the world, they need to be able to step out of their comfort zones sometimes.
Let your children learn from their mistakes
Parents often want to protect their children from being hurt or feeling bad about themselves, which often means that they intervene in order to shelter them from the consequences of their own actions. This kind of parenting prevents kids from learning from their mistakes, so let your kids experience negative consequences.
Do not make them the centre of your life
Though you love your child very much, avoid making them the entire focus of your life. A child who grows up believing everything centres around themselves will have a lot of difficulties navigating real relationships and dealing with conflicts of any kind.
Focus on your needs too
Take time out from parenting to do things that will ensure your happiness as a person (or as a couple). Focusing on your needs does not make you selfish. It simply means that you care about your own well-being, which is another important value to model for your children. Pursue your career, hang out with friends, spend time with your spouse, and explore your other interests.
Ask Asad: Will my jealous lover always be like this?
Learn how to handle parenting conflicts
You and your spouse may have similar opinions on many matters but the way you parent your children can be drastically different. This can cause tension and stress. Respect your spouse’s parenting methods. Bad-mouthing your spouse’s approach or fighting with him is not healthy for raising children or for your marriage.
Tip: When you feeling frustrated with your husband, say to yourself, “He is doing what he thinks is right and the best he can, just like me.”
Do not judge others’ parenting style
Parenting is extremely personal and everyone does the best they can. One of the quickest ways to ruin a relationship or friendship is to judge someone’s parenting style.
There is not one right way to parent
If there was a guidebook that answered every question parents have and offered all the right advice, parenting would have been a breeze. Unfortunately, there is no such book and parents have to do what they think is best for their children. Everyone makes mistakes and people act according to their situations.
Re-evaluate your parenting techniques
Rather than ruling with an iron fist, aim to consider the practices of others if they seem valuable. Take time after every couple of months to re-evaluate your parenting guidelines. Add new methods and toss those that are not working.
Build a strong support system
It really does take a village to raise a child. You might count on a variety of other adults to help you with your child – teachers, coaches, childcare professionals, and parents. However, oftentimes parents do not really activate the available resources. Leaning on the social support can help you fight stress and become an even better parent.
Ask Asad: How to deal with negativity at workplace?
Talk to other parents
One way to calm your fears is to talk to other parents who can help you keep your worries in check. Often times when we verbalise things to others, we realise how unrealistic and unfounded our worries really are. Friends will be able to give you advice on how to let up on your children a bit and give them more independence. Do not shun them or look down at them believing that they are not doing a good job, as parents or that you are a much better parent. Doing so, you will be setting yourself up for failure instead of learning to be a well-rounded parent.
Delegate when you can
Sometimes the best way to improve your parenting is to admit that you need help. Share the load with your spouse so that you can have some time off every now and then. Accept offers when friends and family ask to babysit. If you occasionally give yourself time to relax, you will be a more effective parent in the long- run. Do not be afraid to hire a babysitter and take a night off. You deserve it.
Get professional help
Talking to a mental health professional, one who specialises in parenting issues, would be helpful. Not only would such a professional help you out in letting go of your overboard parenting style but would also provide you with the tools and techniques to be a well-rounded parent.
In the end, remember one thing. Parenting is supposed to be a joy, not a struggle. Most of the time, you should enjoy being around your children. If you find yourself in constant conflicts with your spouse, relatives, friends, etc. with regard to how to raise children, then re-evaluate your parenting style.
All the best!
Asad
Asad is a counsellor, life coach, inspirational speaker and a personal-development expert. He advises on social, personal and emotional issues. You can send him your questions for this weekly column at advice@tribune.com.pk with “Ask Asad” mentioned in the subject line and provide as many details as possible.
Note: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of The Express Tribune.